uh...yeah.
written: 11:14 p.m. on Thursday, May. 10, 2007

Shit. I think I would have stopped behind the scene of the accident if his tone hadn't jolted me awake.

So damn sleepy. Driving at night - first time ever - was terrible. Whenever I attempted lane-changing all I saw in the rear view mirror was an unsorted mass of blinding white-yellow lights, hence inducing a greater panic attack than usual. So not fun. But my current schedule demands night lessons, most unfortunately, especially since I still can't multi-task and therefore the clutch continues to give me problems, after like, a year. Like, seriously.

I'm meeting this dude for dinner and drinks tomorrow night and the last time I saw him was a bit after my birthday last year. For some reason the first thing I think of when I try to picture what would go down tomorrow is me announcing to him that, yes, after a year of knowing me, I'm still not a bloody qualified driver. Fuck. I hope he finds that funny because otherwise I don't know if I can think of anything to say to him, especially if we consider the fact that it'd be after work and I'd be dead tired, once more, which means my brain would be working at, like, 10% at best of its optimal efficiency level. So...yeah.

The social life has been improving considerably. I find myself having to reschedule people in order to fit others in, which is pretty amazing, if you want my honest opinion. I adore meeting friends (CHLOE!) for lunch and getting to know J and KM who're interning with me, two people with whom I've gone to school for 2 years but never said anything to. Even running into schoolmates around the area, which happens a lot, has mostly elicited a friendly response from me. I say 'hi' to people I've never talked to before, just because it's such a comfort to see people you recognise in an otherwise-unfamiliar environment.

The office wear is honestly starting to bug so I'm really excited about wearing jeans to work tomorrow, ha, ha, ha. Apart from the superficial sources of irritation and the crazy tiredness, I have to say that this internship thing has been good thus far. Not only does it make me look forward - really super forward - to the next month which I will spend on nothing but bumming, it's good to feel like you're not wasting your time, for once. There's also the whole "it's a good experience"/"it's good to gain some experience" thing which pretty much goes without saying, and wow, I have something to put on my CV. Can that possibly be?!

On a bum note, I screwed up something I was supposed to get done today because I spent forever trying to search for something that I'm pretty sure is un-searchable. Like squeezing blood out of fucking stone. It was excruciating and I went off for lunch in a pissy mood, and my stupid M1 SIM card died on me inexplicably and out of absolutely nowhere. I couldn't call or receive calls or send or receive text messages. WTF. Thankfully a simple switch-off-switch-off solved the problem; otherwise, I'd be pissed for the rest of the day which wouldn't have helped me with my trouble at work.

Anyway. Two cups of iced lattes of various compositions from Starbucks - ten bucks spent on coffee. No wonder I have no money.

I need to cut my stupid fringe. It's getting on my nerves because it's getting into my eyes and it keeps parting in really ugly-ass places and it's just driving me insane.

Right.

**

I'm really, really scared of something. I know I don't wish I'd not gone through it, but the next step I'm going to take is more uncertain than I'd predicted. I thought it'd get better as the month progresses, but it's only getting worse. I'm only even more cemented in this current state of limbo and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm giving myself time, or if I'm just running away and procrastinating and putting it off. At first it was until the end of the month; now it's until I come back from Taipei/Beijing + Taipei (Rui: We MIGHT be going to Beijing if we can unearth some appropriate and not-too-expensive itinerary. I HOPE WE GET TO GO 'CAUSE I WANNA VISIT YOU!). When that happens it might be until two weeks before my birthday, after which it might become after my second internship, which might possibly morph into a month after the second internship, by which time it'd be time for the new academic year. That means a year later.

What am I even doing?

On the bright side, at least the ball is in my court. At least I have some semblance to control. Otherwise, I might really go crazy.

Recent developments in my life have been rather interesting. A bit more along the same lines and I may just start feeling crowded. It's like how you like spending time with a good friend, but simultaneously you wouldn't want to spend time with that good friend every day because he/she is not a boyfriend. You don't do boyfriend-ish things with your good friend; otherwise, what's the point in differentiating (and having a rational basis for it, too) between the two?

Also, have I ever expressed my immense dislike for text messaging someone for the entire freaking day? It's damn annoying. Some guy did it to me when I was attempting to prepare for my Year 1 Semester 2 exams and in the end I just completely ignored his SMSes. Whenever I replied out of politeness he'd text back, and I'd feel compelled to reply, and he'd text back, and I'd reply, and it'd just go on for fucking EVER and it's SO. DAMN. IRRITATING. I'm totally cool and I like exchanging a few "how's your day" SMSes with friends that stop after like, five or six. But the entire damn day of bloody redundant and nonsensical text messages? You only do that if you have a burning desire for me to unilaterally break off whatever flimsy semblance to a "friendship" we have, which logically extends to you can just forget about dating me 'cause your SMS habit pisses me off.

Another thing: People who give one-liner replies to SMSes are annoying too. Especially when they're the ones who started the stupid exchange in the first place. They'd go, "How's your day?" You'd answer, "Good! [Insert random details of your day.] You?"

Their reply to that? "Not too shabby. [Insert random details of their day.]"

And they honestly expect you to come up with something to say to that. What the fuck. Most of the time the only response that comes to your head is, "Oh okay." But you can't possibly text that back 'cause it's rude which you try to avoid to be, unlike them, so you force yourself to think of something to say and ask polite questions whose answers you really don't freaking give a damn about, and then it goes on like this until you can't stand it anymore, and so you finally text back something without a question mark at the end, something entirely self-involved that you wouldn't have an answer to if you were the recipient.

And what do you know? These people choose this moment - when you're DONE with the SMS exchange - to do the 'ask questions' thing. Like what the fuck. Shouldn't they have done that, oh, I don't know, FIVE TEXT MESSAGES AGO?

What a royal waste of time. I honestly cannot stand conducting what the other party obviously believes is a form of "communication" and "talking" over fucking text messages. To put it more crudely, it pisses the living shit out of me and if that person is someone I actually don't don't give a damn about, it'd piss me off even more. If you really want to communicate or to talk to me, have the decency to call or ask me out. Otherwise, let's not waste each other's time 'cause I'm really not interested in attempting to catch up with you in a space of a hundred and fucking sixty characters. It's utterly insincere and flippant and nonchalant and just plain careless. A shameless cop-out.

Okay. I think I'm PMSing. In any case, I'm super sleepy and I haven't showered and I couldn't wake up this morning and my brother was late for school and it's already 12.19 a.m. so I think I should go and shower and then sleep. I have no idea what I just wrote in this entry so disregard it for the sake of your sanity.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010