dirty dancing with blake.
written: 11:09 p.m. on Friday, Jun. 01, 2007

Apart from that, it was boring and the climatic scene was super anti-climatic. And I really don't like Mike Myers, not even when it's just his voice I'm torturing myself with. He's obnoxious and irritating.

I spent the afternoon reading at Starbucks with Chloe and two grande iced soy latte. Happiness. And I bought a new top from Esprit which is happiness too, and my movie companion was cool, too. So all is good.

Yep, all is good.

Anyway, I was voyeuring on Blake's MySpace pages last night, along with a couple of his friends', because I was bored and because I have no life. I am such a sad individual but in spite of that, I must say that he's total one night stand material.

You know how some guys (strictly referring to hot ones - duh) are boyfriend material and others one night stand material? Well, if you didn't know that, yes, there is such a thing. One night stand guys are fun to be with, fun to make out with, but they don't induce in you the inclination and impulse to commit. They're fun, you enjoy their company, but you can't seriously see yourself being with them in the long term (I'm not referring to marriage; that's WAY too long term for me).

Boyfriend guys are fun to make out with and be with, etc, and more importantly, they are special enough for you to want to stick around, to be in it for the long haul. Which is good, I suppose.

Except - what is the point? Nothing is a guarantee, not even marriage. Just because a guy decides to marry you, doesn't mean he won't ever find himself lusting after another woman; it doesn't mean that he won't wake up one day next to you and wonder why he decided to marry you in the first place. You place your faith in love, but what if it's misplaced? What if it's fleeting, temporary? Because more likely than not, it is fleeting, it is temporary. And even if he doesn't divorce you, it doesn't necessarily mean that he still loves you; it simply means that he doesn't want to be alone. Wanting you only when it's convenient for him, the ultimate act of selfishness.

So, fuck all of it. At one point in time I thought I could do the get married thing after all, and it was quite recently too. But after some serious evaluation over the past couple of days, I've realised that I was right all along: It's utterly, painfully, mercilessly pointless. There is no guarantee, no certainty, and change is always the only constant. I just won't do it - invest so much in something that has been empirically proven to be doomed to failure, plan your life around someone who can leave any minute, be the fool left behind sobbing her fucking eyes out because she thought she needed someone else to guide her, to complete her.

I am not that kind of girl. I won't be that girl. Ultimately you realise that it's not worth it. The only person worthy of your full attention and investment? Yourself. You are all you have and so the last person you should ever let down is yourself.

I have never been the kind of girl that bends over backwards for a guy. Marriage/commitment/relationships that go on for years/whatever require selflessness, the willingness to compromise, to give in - and I am not equipped to do any of those things. I admire people who can, but I will say right now that I am self-centered, I am self-serving, I am self-interested. I am selfish and I am not as nice and sweet as I look. I don't do sweet things for boyfriends, I hate romantic comedies, I look at couples on the streets and mentally predict how long they'd last (usually? Not very long at all). People staying together surprises me more than people breaking up. I am also arrogant and I am difficult - I have trust issues, I have commitment issues, I even have intimacy issues. How fun, right? And it's not because of any prior traumatic experience that has left me scarred for life; it is because it's simply the way I am. My insistence on not letting a guy pay for me has nothing to do with me sparing a thought for his wallet; it's about pride and it has always been about pride.

I still have the whole world pegged. Pretty obvious then, isn't it, why I've never been in a relationship that's actually capable of lasting for more than...oh, I don't know, two months. But most people aren't worth it. In fact, I'd even go as far to say that no one is really worth it when you strip the issue down to its bare essentials and remove your unreliable emotions and feelings from the picture. When all you have are facts and evidence, you see, plainly, that no one is ever worth compromising for.

Ergo, I would rather dirty dance with Blake than to fall in love with him.

Mostly, though? I can't be bothered to do either.

**

Yeah, so just ignore my dark cynical thoughts.

Blake is still a major cutie.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010