dreams are bad when all they do is leave the truth behind.
written: 3:49 a.m. on Saturday, Jun. 23, 2007

I haven't posted any pictures because I've been going out every night since I got back from Taipei, and when I come home I watch Heroes with my brother until 2 in the morning. Needless to say I wake up in time to go out, so that leaves me no time for things like posting pictures and whatever. And the re-sizing, uploading, copying-and-pasting of URL parts are quite tiresome. And yes, I'm lazy. That's a surething if you ever need one.

I will post pictures, however. It's only a matter of time.

Chloe said that I didn't take pictures of Taipei, but of me in Taipei. HAHA. I think she's hilarious. I'm gonna miss her when she goes to Australia.

In my defence, I self-take when I'm too lazy to ask my parents to take pictures for me. And I DO manage to capture some of the background. So...yes. Uh, I don't know what my point is.

I realise that I haven't been writing good entries in a really, really long time. I'm not even bothered to read my own entries bcause their banality of style and substance bore the shit out of me. I haven't been writing, period - no prose, no pseudo-poetry, not even halfway decent blog entries. The personal diary? Forget it. Picking up a pen to write something longer than a paragraph is a major chore; not only does the wrist hurt after a while, the brain thinks too fast for the hand to keep up...which leads to the wrist hurting. So I guess it's a cause/effect thing. Or something.

I don't know what happened with this writing thing. It's scary sometimes, the way I've drifted so far away from all the things I wanted, everything that inspired me, the dreams that made life seem worthwhile. It's not about law coming into the picture and derailing everything; it's about how I haven't made the effort to keep things from being derailed. Law was an excuse and it was bad one, and I'm done blaming it for my problems because it doesn't address anything.

In fact, more holistically, I honestly don't know what is going in with me right now. The writing thing is just one out of a few problems that I cannot solve, or even begin to understand, let alone break down into parts so that I would know what to do. Ever since coming back from Taipei I've felt like I couldn't process anything. At first I thought it was the fatigue; but fatigue from a four-hour flight doesn't last for days. I don't know what I'm feeling at all, if I'm even feeling anything. I'm just...numb (aside: 'feeling numb' is a major contradiction in terms, don't you think?). And I don't know why. I don't know how to answer questions honestly because I don't have answers. I don't have a next step, I don't have anything to say that would make things easier, I don't have a plan. I'm feeling my way through the dark, floundering every step of the way, only barely picking myself up, not knowing why when I trip over something and fall flat on my face.

It's been a difficult and confusing year. At first I had the surety and certainty of my feelings to fall back on, but now I don't even know anymore. I don't know anything. And this happened out of nowhere, all of a sudden, hitting me unexpectedly when I came back from Taipei. I don't know what it is I'm looking for, if I'm looking for anything, what it is I'm holding on to, what it is that still makes me cry.

Basically? I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want, but I don't know what I want. And I'm getting these strange urges and having idle, inappropriate fantasies and it's just. so. wrong. I shoot my mouth off about being open to the idea of sleeping around but I think when push comes to shove, I'd either be too damn scared to do it or...I don't know, too proud to. Probably the latter, methinks.

I can't do another relationship, not even with the most amazing guy ever. I'm so tired of the whole thing - getting so close to someone, just to have everything collapse on you when something goes wrong. And for some reason something will always go wrong as long as I'm involved; I'm either not invested, or too invested. Just like how I hate being touched but I can get really, really physical with someone and he doesn't have to be a boyfriend I particularly give a shit about. It's all or nothing for me and I don't get it. My Sec 2 form teacher was so wrong about me; I AM a very extreme person.

Therefore, straddling the grey in-between is proving to be more of an adjustment than I'd initially thought. But then again, I don't know what I initially thought, too. I just know that I went with my feelings and everything I say to a person in a particular moment is honest and true, but I can't guarantee that I wouldn't feel differently a while later.

Oh, fuck. Nowadays that's the only thing I can say with conviction: Fuck.

You think you have all the time in the world to wait but you don't. You really don't. And yet you hesitate and you don't go after something because you don't know if you really, really want it, or if you're just clinging on because you're afraid of venturing into the outside world again and risking everything once more. Maybe at some point in the past you could've said with conviction, This is what I want and I'm not letting go, I'm not compromising, this is what I want for the rest of my life; but now, you're really not so sure anymore. And the concept of carpe diem comes in to complicate matters, confuse things, and you end up wondering why we live the way we do. Why do we wait? Why do we hesitate? Why do we make mistakes that are unforgivable? Why do we hang on to something that's dead and extinct?

Oh fuck. I've been having strange dreams, including an EXTREMELY inappropriate one the first night I was in Taipei. But they're so vivid, so real, that I'm kind of back to wondering about how nice it would be if real life were a dream and the dreams were real life.

At least in dreams the crappy drama ends when you wake up and you don't have to return to it ever again. At least nothing in your dreams come back to haunt you during your waking moments. At least your dreams don't leave you with any excess baggage, just an amused upward curl of the left of your mouth before it fades into the territory of the Forgotten. No Big Deal, in other words. Nobody Cares. Because It's Not Real.

So, yes. Reality is fucking overrated. And I'm sleepy and I'm tired and I'm cranky which means my period is probably here. And I had this random thought a few hours ago: I'm an uncaring person. I cut people out of my life without notice and I do it like it's second nature to me, and I've done it quite a few times before in the past, and I think I'm still doing it to some extent. Therefore, if I see a guy purely to fuck him, I see a guy purely to fuck him. That explains why I got over my first boyfriend in about three days: I never cared about him the way I imagined myself to care about him. I don't even care that I haven't seen him ever since the day we broke up. And you know what? This makes me a horrible person. It does. Not because I was 16 and young and didn't know better, but because I was 16 and already I didn't give a damn. And nothing has changed since then, not of significance anyway, and I won't bother patting my hand and saying, At least you're looking out for others more.

Because at the end of everything, I am still the goddess of my own altar. That is why when someone comes in and knocks her off, I don't know how to deal. I suffocate, I become suffocating, I become clingy. I'm not comfortable with caring about someone else almost as much as I care about myself, I'm not good with displaying affection, I don't do "I love you"s. I'm like Cristina Yang, basically - emotionally stunted and self-serving.

Bleah, I need to grow up.

First, though? I need to sleep. I'm so gonna be late to meet Mag and Chloe later on. How am I going to get up to meet them at 12? I'd probably open my eyes at 12, glance at the clock, fool myself into thinking that I'd manage to wake up in five minutes' time, and wake up at 1.

This entry was badly-written. This is probably the last time I'd attempt to write well at 4 in the morning after yawning for the entire day.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010