my severe randomness.
written: 10:38 p.m. on Monday, Dec. 03, 2007

Apart from that, I don't know why it came out green. I am not particularly fond of green; it just turned out like that. And I'm really too lazy to spend more time on it and I honestly think that David's hotness alone is enough to save the rest of it from ugliness so whatever lah.

I told my mom to come see my newest husband and she was like, "He's not good-looking. Special-looking, yes, but not good-looking." (Say that in Chinese.) Whatever; David is MY David and I LOVE HIM. I think he's aged quite a bit over the past five years though, if one compares his early Alias days with his current appearance on Heroes. He looks noticeably older now, no longer boyishly charming, yet dangerously suave with an oddly sophisticated, older-than-his-years air to him as per his early Alias days.

STILL, he's my David and I still totally love him.

Anyway, I went to Orchard today with no reason whatsoever and before that I went to Kent Ridge to return books and I'm really surprised that I managed to drive there without getting lost. Despite going to KR for one year, I never knew that it's just go straight all the way from that whatever Flyover past King Albert Park all the way to the left turn to NUS. Now that I've driven there, I think KR is slightly nearer to my house than BTC is.

But still, I bloody hate going to KR. I climbed about ten million stairs to get from the car park to the library. It's so damn big and I'm not used to it and I would never accuse the law library of being 'so far' ever again. I almost died climbing those stairs in my HEELS, hello? And I thought KR had first hour parking free like BTC has but nooo. I parked for like, 15 minute and they deducted 30 cents from my cash card. THIRTY CENTS ALSO WANT TO TAKE.

So after that I drove to Orchard. The initial plan was to go back to where I came from and take Bukit Timah to Orchard 'cause I didn't know how to go from KR. But then I saw Ulu Pandan and I remembered that night when I drove by myself for the very first time and taking a wrong turn home and somehow ending up at Ulu Pandan and seeing the sign to Orchard and freaking out because I thought I was going to Orchard, and so I turned to Ulu Pandan and nearly freaked out 'cause it was like, so long, the road, 'cause I thought it'd be fast, but I saw Tanglin and whatever and yay, I was at Orchard!

Initial plan was to park at the open car park opposite Wheelock Place so as to save money on parking. I drove in and drove out because there were ten million cars and only nine million lots. Cars were waiting practically everywhere and I honestly do not have the patience for such nonsense (I also don't know how to navigate such things) so I decided to park at the Wheelock car park which was just opposite.

But there was no left turn out the car park, and I didn't dare to dash across the road into the Wheelock car park. So I drove ONE HUGE ROUND out of there and back to the same place again. And even then I somehow ended up at the Liat Towers car park because I am an idiot and didn't know that the Wheelock car park's entrance was after the Liat Tower one.

So I went up five storeys and almost died of fright. It was a double-lane ramp and it was damn scary but luckily I was the only car going up so I made it through without any scrapes or anything.

As I was going down I checked out the parking rates and discovered that it was a bloody $2.10 per hour.

WTF WTF WTF TWO TEN?!?!?!?!?!?!

All thanks to the 2.10/hour I rushed through everything and did NOT have a fulfilling shopping trip and I actually left at 2.30, when I reached at 12. If I hadn't driven there, I would've left at like, 4? By 2 p.m. I was thinking, "Shit, should I go Zara? The parking damn expensive leh." And then, "Aiya what the hell, since I'm already here and they're gonna deduct the next half hour or part thereof thingy anyway, so might as well just go."

By 2.30 my parking was $6.80.

SHA REN FANG HUO. (Kill people set fire. HAHAHA.)

Also, multi-storey/basement car parks should install automatic cash card deduction machines, i.e. those that do not require me to insert the card into the machine. Because I didn't know that I had to insert and I was happily driving downwards, waiting for the barrier to lift, BUT IT DIDN'T MOVE. I had to reverse on a slope and I almost died of fright.

But thankfully, I was only car, if not I would have died. Of fright. I'm sure we're seeing a pattern here.

Driving's fun but costly and that makes it not fun. Parking should be free. How can parking in Orchard cost two arms and three legs? It's completely ridiculous. And there are like ten trillion cars in Orchard and ten million seemingly-blind people who cross the road as if they own the road, as if they're more powerful than ME WITH A BIG POWERFUL CAR that can TOTALLY ram you over/down anytime I want to. And they make things worse by crossing leisurely like it's a green pedestrian light, or even a zebra crossing but I am of the opinion that one should really cross a zebra crossing as quickly as possible because you're just being a prick by strolling as if you own the damn country, because you don't, and it's already irritating that I have to stop to let you walk so just SPEED. THE. FUCK. UP.

And speaking of walking slowly, I don't understand why this entire country walks like a snail. I really don't get it. Even in Orchard and town-ish areas people threaten to make me go nuclear like Peter Petrelli when they block my way by crawling everywhere like total SNAILS. Why can't people just walk faster? Or get the hell out of my way? It's completely inexplicable.

I woke up at 10.30 a.m. today because I thought it was past 2 p.m.

I saw this book called something along the lines of Portable Atheists in Borders and I wonder why non-believers need things like that to affirm their non-belief? Because the great thing about non-faith is that you don't need groups and worship sessions and things like that to remind you of your non-faith, or to reaffirm your non-faith, or to strengthen your non-faith. One's lack of a faith - complete absence of a faith - quite simply just is. And so it strikes me odd that atheists think that they need to read books like that, or that they need to publish books like that, because there is no point and the idea of needing to reaffirm a non-belief is rather paradoxical. If you need to assure yourself of your non-belief, it must mean that a part of you thinks that you're wrong, which means that that part of you does not subscribe to the non-belief. And in that case, you're not really an atheist, maybe an agnostic or free-thinker.

People always mix up agnostics and free-thinkers with atheists and that annoys me sometimes. It's like lumping Christians and Catholics together and saying that they're the same. Or Buddhists and Hindus, whatever. It's ridiculous, sometimes, how religious people expect others to respect their faiths and religious beliefs, but don't seem to think that they need to do the same for people without a religious belief.

Because the absence of a faith can be as strong, if not stronger, than faith. Why is it that Christians don't think that it might be offensive to ask an atheist to go to church, but an atheist thinks it's definitely offensive to ask a Christian not to go to church, or tell him to his face that it's useless? I am generally tolerant of such things, but if they happen over and over and over again, it'd just piss the shit out of me. Because I find it really offensive when a Christian knows that I'm an atheist and yet insists on asking me to go to church or partake in Christian-centric activities; clearly he's not respecting my beliefs, and yet I do everything I can to respect his.

Seriously, if I want to go to church, I will go to church on my own free will. No matter how many times I get asked the answer is just going to be 'no' and it'd just severely piss me off after a while so just don't bother. Let things be, free and easy, and let everyone be happy, thank you very much.

Right, let's get off that unintentional tangent; I really dislike talking about religion because half the time I genuinely don't care.

And there are still things going on that I wish would stop going on, feeling resigned and unexcited, as if you've seen it all and nothing could ever surprise you anymore. That Clarke Quay dude actually called me, the day before my Personal Property paper, at 9.30 p.m. when I was desperately trying not to stop cramming, and he didn't even identify himself as if he just knew that I'd saved his number. Puh-leese. I said, "I have a paper tomorrow and I'm busy right now." He was like, "Call me back later?" I wanted to say, "Hello, I don't even have your number and I DON'T CARE." But I said, "Uh, call me next week." Anyway, his number showed up as 'withheld' for some reason and it was a really odd ring tone, not my default one, so the next time I get a call from 'withheld' with that ring tone I'm not going to pick up.

It's not really because he was a dweeb or because he was weird. I mean, don't get me wrong, he was both, but it's also because I just feel damn tired and I don't care and I don't want to do the 'get to know you' crap and make small talk and forced conversations and pretend to be interested in what the guy is saying when every single word out of is mouth is putting me to sleep. I got bored that night, standing there, listening to him ramble. Maybe if he were cute, or even hot, or less of a bore; but even then, maybe not even then. Maybe not at all.

I think about the whole process and I feel tired. As much as I want to meet guys, I just don't feel like meeting guys. And it really doesn't impress me anymore when a guy tells me that I'm attractive and therefore he wants to get to know me. Forgive me if this comes across as arrogant, but I've heard it so many times already that I am freaking bored and unimpressed and unsurprised. I am unsurprised and unless the guy's really super bloody hot, please just stay away from me.

The other option is to approach guys myself, which I would do a few years ago but now, I just can't bloody be bothered. I don't know what to say, I have nothing to say, he'll probably bore me after a while or vice versa. And right now, apart from a purely physical relationship, I can't imagine what I could possibly want, get out of, or receive from a member of the opposite sex. Am I to open myself up to him? Yeah fucking right. Is he to open up to me? Like I could care any less about his issues and his life and his boring daily activities when mine are already boring me to death.

Nowadays I can count on one hand the number of guys that I have more than five sentences to say to and they're all my friends. And no matter what angle I see it from, I just can't imagine dating my friend. It's just bloody gross, to put it simply.

Even if I wanted someone right now, it'd be for two things: the physical gratification and the sole purpose of finding a replacement, or a substitute, or a distraction. I can no longer see any long-term, or fathom the concept of a 'long-term', or understand what it is to want a long-term. When I see myself in the future I am with myself. It's always been like this. I don't know why I ever thought it'd be different. I don't know why I ever thought that I'd be one of those girls with a relationship tenure that slowly chalks up the years.

Maybe I'm accepting that, and it's kind of okay, because it's nothing new anyway.

I'm not hung up on anyone; it's not about the person per se. I'm hung up on what could have been, and what was, briefly, a flame that sparked and gave out too soon. And trying to understand everything, and always failing to, and trying to not want to understand everything, and of course always failing to. What a horribly useless and vicious cycle. Could I please stop caring? Because who gives a shit? Past is past, buried and dead.

I suppose it's when the future doesn't seem to hold anything new or different or promising that one can't get oneself out of the fucking past.

Oh well, whatever. At least I still have David, my hot husband.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010