still upset.
written: 4:21 p.m. on Friday, Feb. 22, 2008

In fact, I'd come right out and say that I feel absolutely terrible. I'm in a horribly foul mood, I wish I could laugh all this off, but being unable to close my fucking mouth for longer than three seconds without the lower left lip giving way to gravity is extremely, extremely frustrating. Not to mention this pain behind my left ear that won't freaking go away, which seems to be the cause of all this nonsense. Three days after the migraine started, the pain behind the ear started, and two days after that started, my tongue went all numb. Two days after my tongue went numb, I woke up with the left side of my face half-paralysed. Today's the next day and I think it's about 75% paralysed.

I'm glad it's mid-sem break next week; I can't go to school like this. Sure there are presentation meetings for Chinese and Comparative Crim but at least there are Lavan and Kelly. And I'm just going to leave school immediately after those meetings are done.

Hopefully this shit will die down within the next week, enough for me not to look completely weird, like some stroke victim, when I do the presentations. TWO presentations in one week, and THIS has to happen. Can you blame me for waking up in tears and wondering what the fuck I ever did to deserve this? Sure, I'm not the nicest person ever lived, but I've never been outrightly nasty to anyone and I've gone out of my way to be civilised to people that I don't particularly care to see around school. Oh, I don't know. My mind is just completely blown by all of this. For about thirty minutes this afternoon I couldn't stop crying, like it was the end of the world that half my face has virtually collapsed, like my life has TOTALLY! ended because I couldn't smile properly anymore.

Like, okay. I suppose there are worse fates in life. But still - my dad was saying two nights ago before my face became paralysed (the night before it became paralysed) that he should stop telling me that I'm pretty, just in case something happens to change that. He was picking on my large front teeth and saying that they seemed to have grown bigger, then my mom was all, What the hell are you talking about? Stop making her feel bad about her looks! (I wasn't feeling bad, by the way. My front teeth have been huge since time immemorial and I honestly don't think they make me ugly.) Then my dad was all, We have to stop complimenting her so much; if something happens to mar her looks, she'll take it like it's end of the world.

(Of course, the above exchange took place in Chinese and my mom certainly did not say 'what the hell' etc in Chinese, but yeah.)

I'm taking this stupid Bell's palsy shit like it's the end of the world, end of freaking civilisation as I know it. How do I exist in a world in which I don't look like Yelen? Seriously. There are two things I've felt very lucky to have over the past six months (you know, ever since I got rid of the old problem and got myself back) - some semblance to intelligence, and a pleasant-looking enough face. Take one - or worse, both - away and I'm floundering in the middle of the ocean without a life buoy, and not even my ability to swim can save me because there's only so much I can do before my arms and legs start to tire and give out on me. I'm trying to delay that as much as possible and trying to keep my spirits up but I must say that it's incredibly difficult not to feel like crying every other nanosecond because the back of your ear hurts intermittently, you try to eat and you find that you can't chew on the left side of your mouth because you can't un-stuck the stuck food, you brush your teeth and you can't rinse your mouth because your facial muscles are more or less useless at this point, and worst of all, you look in the mirror and, okay, so maybe you don't even look vaguely disfigured, but you're vain and nitpicky and you notice the left corner of your mouth drooping slightly and it's just immensely unpleasant to look at. You refuse to leave the house because you're convinced that you look like a stroke patient and you really, REALLY tried to avoid caffeine, but had to give in at 4 p.m. when your head started hurting due to the lack of caffeine. Oh, and you can't eat spicy food anymore. What's the point of eating when you can't eat spicy food? But then again, you've pretty much lost your appetite, because eating is just seriously humiliating, what with one side of your mouth unable to move and therefore unable to prevent food from dropping out of your mouth when you attempt to take a bite from something. Not to mention? Just this little fact of the left side of your tongue being half-numb. The only good thing that could possibly come out of this is if I manage to lose weight without being able to swim, which I really intended to do this weekend before my face decided that it just felt like punishing me for all the wrongs I did not commit by collapsing for absolutely NO FREAKING REASON. I mean, hello? I wasn't even sick prior to this...thing, save for the migraine but wasn't that because of the mojito? Argh, whatever.

Chloe called just now but I missed her call because my phone was on silent. She texted me saying that she was thinking of me, and Rui texted me asking how I was this morning. She saved her free MOS pass last night so that we could use it sometime before it expires, namely before April. Did I mention that I was supposed to go clubbing last night and that I was REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT? What the fuck. At least I can still swear without it sounding lou feng. But anyway, my point is, I'm muchly touched that they checked up on me - thanks so much. It means a lot. Although I'm not up to talking to anyone or seeing anyone, just knowing that they care is making this better.

My left eye currently feels swollen even though it's not. I slept at 12, which was the earliest I've slept in perhaps years, and I think I woke up randomly for about two hours. I woke up again at 12 noon and I've been feeling crappy ever since.

The physical aspect of this...sickness isn't really all that traumatic per se; it's only when it starts to weigh down on your emotions and self-esteem that it becomes really more than inconvenient. Sure, it's extremely uncomfortable, but it doesn't get in the way of my normal activities, nor should it, for that matter. But it just doesn't feel nice, simply put, and I don't even feel like doing anything except lie on my bed and try to sleep or whatever. But it turns out that I have a paper due next Friday which I still haven't started on, and because I can't stay up all night anymore, I have significantly less time to do it than before.

Wah lau ey. I don't even care about Infocoms anymore; I'm just going to do what I need to do to avoid getting a C. It's honestly just so...I don't even know how to describe it. I have no words to describe it. I don't even know what it is, some weird Science shit that occasionally looks like law, sometimes like economics. I have no idea what it is. And I'm never going to take a What The Fuck? module again, ever, just because it's an intensive. Stupid me, really.

My room is currently damn warm because I didn't turn on the fan just in case the persistent cold makes my face even worse. If that doesn't sound logical in the least bit, it's not. There's nothing logical and rational in all my freak-outs and crying sessions and whatever else. There's also nothing logical in feeling like I wanted to die just because I wasn't pretty anymore, but there you go. What am I supposed to do about that, right?

Please leave me kind words because I still feel shit. I'm suddenly very tired and my left eye has moved on from drying up to tearing up excessively and I can't blink to get the stuff out so I need to manually shut my eyelid and...stuff. Whatever, I have no idea.

Okay, let's change the subject.

So yesterday after Comparative Crim I was sitting with Lavan in the canteen and he asked me what I thought of dating within law school. (I just turned on the fan because it was getting REALLY warm.) And I must say this: the restraint of my response is really to be commended. No angry tirade, no rants, just stating, very simply, It's awkward when you break up and he decides to date someone else in your year. Gosh, what an understatement. But some things really don't matter when the dust has settled and you're finally able to see, after all those months. I won't even say that I'm completely closed off to the idea of dating within law school again, assuming there are guys in law school whom I think are worth dating - which, I'm afraid to say, really isn't the case right now. But if a prospect were to materialise, I wouldn't write it off just because he's from law school.

Still, there are things that I won't ever forget, let alone forgive. I suppose the least I could do is to be civil, but I honestly think that there are much less I could do. But you know, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it; right now, I just don't give a shit.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010