here comes the sun.
written: 8:04 p.m. on Friday, Mar. 21, 2008

Oh my god. I almost fainted and my eyes were almost stabbed to death. Take a look at this atrocity:

I seriously, seriously need to cut my hair. Not just the bangs, which are obviously in dire need of shortening, but my hair as well. The last time I trimmed my hair was November 30, 2007 (I remember the exact date because it was the day of the Personal Prop paper which also marked the end of the exams). The stylist layered my hair like fuck, and the shorter parts have since grown all over the fucking place and it's super disgustingly messy. It's got to a point where it's a distraction - I'd run my fingers through my hair in class, and when I reach the longer, thinner parts, I'd start inspecting the hair and feeling extremely grossed out that my once-fabulous long hair is now disgusting, unkempt hay! Can you blame me for being upset? Because, I totally cannot blame myself for being upset.

I would love to cut my hair tomorrow, but I can't. Why? Because of Bell's Palsy. I can't imagine how I'm gonna get my fringe trimmed when the left eye still can't shut. It can close, but it can't shut, meaning when I wash my hair and water runs down my face, water still gets into my left eye even though it's closed. Utterly annoying, I tell you. And obviously it won't be fun when hair starts getting into my eye; hence, I can't cut my hair.

It's damn annoying OMG.

On a more positive note, I'm glad that I no longer smile like this:

I find David's half-smile sexy as hell, but my palsied half-smile? Absolutely grotesque. Completely hideous. I am positive I resembled the two-faced villain whose name currently escapes me from Batman. I refused to take pictures of myself for three weeks before my smile started to slowly come back, except this one picture I took of myself trying to close my eye, just to see what it looked like (answer: fucking gross lah wah lau).

But now? Like the picture of me says, LOOK AT THE DIMPLE OHMYGAD! Okay, so it's still a rather faint shadow, but it's coming back! Have I mentioned how afraid I was that I'd lost my dimple forever? I'm not sure if I'm kidding if I say that I won't be the same person without my dimple. I'm utterly shallow, I know, but my dimples are like, you know, a defining physical characteristic, a tool of recognition!

Okay, I'm typing nonsense. Back to the David picture though. I wanted to post a picture of his sexy half-smile which I've personally termed his BP smile for the longest time but was too lazy to Photoshop and upload to Photobucket. Since I'm still deluding myself into believing that I'm super free even though I'm really not, I decided to use the above picture. If you ignore the facial scruff which I really dislike, he looks amazingggg. His eyes are sooo pretty ohmygad.

But what I really want to say is this: I honestly think that another factor for my falling completely head over heels in love with David Cook is because of his faux BP smile. When I first saw his half-smile, my first thought was: "OMG BELL'S PALSY!" Not that I thought he had Bell's Palsy, but that his half-smile was a beautified BP smile. For those three weeks I could only lift the right side of my mouth, exactly like what he's doing in the picture. The difference between me and him, however, is that my mouth couldn't close so I looked like I was grimacing, therefore looking completely ugly. David, though, totally doesn't look ugly. But the point is, as baseless and irrational as this is, a part of me, the part that was shattered by the stupid palsy, felt less alone and sad when it (she?) saw David's half-smile. That part was like, "OMG!!!!! David's sexy half-smile!"

Of course, if I were rational and reasonable at all throughout the whole period, it wouldn't have mattered at all.

But then again: 1) it's David Cook. My whole obsession with him is completely irrational and wholly unreasonable; and 2) it's me. When am I ever not irrational and unreasonable?

On another note, Tris interestingly asked how I was in a comment he left in the previous entry which I will respond to after I type this. Apparently I've been gushing about David too much? Yeah right, too much David = talking about him in every single entry...which...I have been doing. Oops.

But anyway, the lack of emo-shit entries and pretentiously "serious" entries and whiny entries about my face pretty much leads to the conclusion that I'm doing fine. Super fine (ooh Veronica Mars reference!), in fact. How can I not be fine when I'm existing in the same bloody planet as David Cook, right?

Okay, seriously now, the palsy is recovering steadily, and as the picture evidences, I'm well on my way to getting my face back. I'm a firm believer of "everything will fall back into place once the face comes back" so I'm eagerly anticipating the day when I can wear my contacts again and look pretty again, which is, admittedly, a bloody exciting thought. I haven't bothered dressing up for school lately because...well, because I can't be bothered, not to mention I've nothing to wear again 'cause I haven't been shopping, thanks to the palsy. So yep, I'm definitely looking forward to looking hot again, or fooling myself into thinking that I look hot, whichever one prefers.

Apart from that, school is a bitch omg. I realised how absurd my timetable is. I have only three modules left, two of which do not have traditional sit-down-in-a-hall exams, which means that I will have absolutely no excuse anymore if I don't do well for my remaining modules. I mean, I know I'm currently existing in some seriously warped helium-esque David Cook high, but it's absolutely retarded to get shitty grades and then say, "Oh, but erm, the whole time I was kind of obsessed with this amazing singer called David Cook and I had no choice but to screw up my semester." Sorry but that makes absolutely no sense.

So why is school a bitch? Going by what I've said, it should be a breeze, right? Wrong. School is a bitch because, quite simply, it exists. Why does it insist on existing in the same planet and plane as David and I? Hello, school is so totally robbing me of my David time.

Okay, to be honest now, David is so totally robbing me of my school time. Here's the real reason why school's a bitch: I have to present my outline paper for International Law and Asia next Wednesday and I haven't even begun thinking about the topic. I was listening to the presentations on Wednesday and throughout the whole two hours, only one thought existed in my head: "OH MY GOD I AM FUCKING SCREWED."

Because I am fucking screwed. I am absolutely clueless about what to do for my paper, where to go to start researching, what angles I should adopt. As always, I have a stand; I just don't know how to substantiate the stand.

Here's where I need help. The topic is: "South Thailand in the context of international norms." I'm having major problems with the "international norms" part. I didn't take any international law courses; this is the first one, and S!mon T@y didn't really deal with the specifics of international law too much. Basically, I have no idea what the norms are. Are we talking about international humanitarian law? The right to self-determination? International human rights? S!mon T. basically wants me to explore the point at which domestic unrest becomes an international issue and/or a human rights struggle (question: is a human rights struggle an international issue?), which is all well and good and when I talked to him I was all, "Yeah, I could do that."

But I freaking can't. I have no idea what the freaking international norms are. Of course, this could very well be due to the fact that I haven't started on anything, but I'm extremely nervous when I'm faced with the task of writing a paper whose topic throws me into total confusion. I don't have to stick to the exact phrasing of the question, but I'm too lazy to tweak it so I'm just going to stick to it.

So yeah, I would greatly appreciate it if the well-informed could throw me some international norms to get me started. Just, you know, name a few, elaboration not needed. I need this by end of Saturday, Singapore time, which gives me TWO DAYS to come up with something to present for ten minutes.

OHMYGODDDD I WANT TO DIE.

See what I mean about school being a bitch? No wonder I keep gushing over David.

Because I can't stop talking about David, I'd like to say that I'm not a fan of the styling the wardrobe/make-up people did for him for the above picture and the entire photo shoot. I mean, yeah he looks pretty, but he doesn't look like David. The suit and the tie make him look cheesy and his hair is just weird. I get that he's balding, but still, even at his worst, the comb-over didn't look that weird and...unnatural.

Okay, I've made my point. Moving on now.

I can't believe I forgot to mention this. I drank my first cup of coffee in 25 days that day at the airport. Not only did it go down my stomach like acid, therefore giving me weird stomach problems throughout Chinese class, I also felt agitated and jumpy throughout Chinese class.

I haven't felt like drinking coffee since then.

I think it's safe to conclude that I've officially kicked my addiction.

On yet another note, I was saving Joaquin Phoenix pictures to my hard drive earlier on today and I noticed a trend: I'm drawn to pictures where he's either holding a cigarette, or smoking a cigarette.

I find that strange, all things considered. But then again, a cigarette does not diminish the beauty of a gorgeous man in any way, shape or form; on the contrary, the beauty of the gorgeous man evens out the ugliness of the cigarette.

But an ugly guy holding a cigarette? Ew.

I just realised that I still haven't watched Joaquin's We Own the Night, and more tellingly, that I have no idea if it ever came to Singapore. I need the DVD - stat.

Okay, I think I'm done for the night.

Just a reminder - I flove David Cook.

No, seriously, a reminder - I NEED INTERNATIONAL NORMS REALLY BADLY OMG PLEASE HELP ME.

current music: "Holding Court" - Axium (DCook's band) in my head

Edited to add at 11.14 p.m.:

Oh my god Philip Levine is officially my new literary hero (though Julian Barnes is numero uno 4eva <3). The poems of his that I've read are fucking AMAZING. I need to buy his books ASAP - his poetry blows. my. mind.

On another note, I recently wrote something. Or rather, I started writing something two months ago, stuck with it religiously for about nine days, then chucked it aside because it was making me ill. Tonight I revisited it to tie up loose ends and clean up the muck and I'm thinking I might want people to read it. It's the first prose/short story-like thing that I've written that is: 1) actually complete; 2) actually not that terrible; and 3) actually isn't an overly-indulgent piece of emo nonsense that is basically a derivative of my personal life which of course, no one gives a shit about.

The problem is, I don't want to post it here because I'm extremely insecure about my writing. This is another entry for another day, so let's just leave it at that for the moment. Not only am I insecure about my writing, the piece is also inspired by real life and law school being what it is...well, I'm sure the picture is more or less clear.

But then again, I'm not sure if I could do the "will you read this" thing to my friends, partly because I'm too embarrassed. Of course if anyone volunteers to read it I'd be happy to comply, but that's about as far as it goes. And just to show that this post really isn't an attention-seeking one, I'm just wondering what I could do, besides sic-ing my work on my friends, to get it read and commented on. You know, if there's an arena in which this could be done.

The really shitty part about this writing thing is that I really can't tell if my work sucks anymore. Of course my default position is that my work fucking sucks, but sometimes I write something that wows even myself. But I'm not sure if it's really good, or if it's just my desperation trying to convince myself that it's good. I just don't know who to ask for guidance and it's quite frustrating because I feel like I'm emulating the style of the writer whom I've most recently read, or I'm stuck in one place and not improving, and basically, I feel like I haven't got a style of my own. I pretty much hate 90% of all the things I've ever written, and the things of mine that I do like are overly-indulgent derivative emo crap that no one gives a shit about, myself included.

I have a feeling I know where I'm headed with this edit, but I'm currently very sleepy and I don't like emo-ing about law school and writing anymore. Besides, I've already written an entry where I emo-ed about law school and writing, which I think I will post here maybe tomorrow or something. I wasn't going to post it because I didn't feel like retreading old territories as it's rather pointless, but this blog seems to suffer from a dearth of serious, meaningful entries lately, what with my unstoppable love for David Cook and everything which has obviously invaded this blog. But since I'm currently very sleepy, I shall save it for another day.

But still, I need my stuff read. Where in Singapore can I go to get my stuff read and receive useful, constructive criticism from people who actually know what they're talking about? That, basically, is my point.

Question to self: Wouldn't it have been less time-consuming to just say that from the very beginning?

Answer to self: Well, duh, but what fun would that be?

current music: Still "Holding Court" - Axium (DCook's band) in my head

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010