Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts.
written: 2:16 p.m. on Thursday, Apr. 24, 2008

Dear Friends,

Thanks for wanting to buy my novel, but I must let each and every one of you know right now that if a miracle happens and the universe is turned inside out and I do publish some sort of a novel someday, buying it alone will not be enough to placate me. I must be honest and warn you in advance that I would probably quiz you in an entirely non-interrogatory and nonchalant manner that is a reflection of my general dislike for imposing on others by asking them to do things for me what the novel is about, what you liked about it, what you hated about it, whether or not it's at least worthy enough to be toilet literature, and I would fully expect you to tell me simple things like whether you liked it, hated it, or quite simply think that I should never write ever again because every single word I write is utterly useless.

If you still say that you want to buy my novel after the advanced warning, well, forgive me for being rude, but um, I don't really believe you anymore.

At the risk of sounding petulant and whiny: Save for V (I think you are who you think you are ;)), the overwhelming response to this has been...wow. I am blown away. When was the last time I openly and shamelessly asked for feedback like that? Um, let me think, never?

I've tried to get my head around this and to brush it off and maybe understand, but the truth of the matter is, I don't understand at all, and it's not really okay, and I'm sure (actually, maybe I shouldn't be) everyone knows that I'm generally non-confrontational and I don't like making things awkward with the people that I have to interact with in real life, so for me to even be writing this now kind of goes to show how bothered I am by what could very well be a non-issue.

Then again, considering most of the people that read my blog are people that know me, and that a sizable portion of these people are my friends, I honestly don't think that I'm being petulant or unreasonable, especially not the latter. I didn't post an 8000-word first chapter of a fifty-chapter giant (if I can croak out a fifty-chapter giant, I will drop out of law school right now). I posted a simple 1600-word thingy that anyone with a passable command of English can breeze through in 15 minutes. I wasn't asking for an in-depth analysis of my literary technique (I'd tell you not to bother because I have no literary technique, and other insulting things that I'm biting back right now), just a simple I liked it/hated it/it sucked/it was good/I didn't understand a single word you wrote/please for the love of humanity stop writing because your writing is destroying the world. And, really, when was the last time I did this? Have I ever done this? I've never even shown any of my stuff to the ex-boyfriend, apart from the things that were written about him for the obvious reason that they were written about him, and I think we all know the story of how close I was to him by now. Says a lot, I think.

This seems like a good point of departure to finally write about what I was emo-ing over a couple of weeks ago. I was walking around Isetan at 9-something waiting to watch "I'm Not There" and I was walking by myself and it struck me, quite poignantly I must say, how I don't think that I have ever truly, whole heartedly and without reservations connected with another individual, like, ever. I have close friends, of course, and I love my close friends, but with every single person that I call a close friend I still find myself holding back, albeit subconsciously. There's always something that I think they wouldn't understand, be it David Cook (seriously) or music or literature or writing, whatever, something about myself that I hold back because I don't want to make things awkward between us. Does that even make sense?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I haven't found a soulmate, and I don't mean that in the cliche boy/girl (or boy/boy or girl/girl if you're gay) sort of way. If we really are born incomplete and our time on this earth is about looking for the other piece to complete us, then I must say that maybe I should stop searching, because I think the only person that can complete me is myself. Which is quite ridiculous if you think about it, for how can I expect anyone to be like myself, right?

But then again, I think what I mean is this: You don't have to be me (duh), but at some fundamental level we must have some point of intersection. In the boyfriend context, it must go beyond Mad Crazy Physical Attraction and we actually must have some common interests, and those interests must be quite important to me. In the non-boyfriend context, common interests once again, and an unexplainable force that makes our personalities instantly click.

It seems like the people that I know have one or the other, but never both at the same time. Or maybe the problem really is just me, that I'm socially awkward, that I have trouble opening up to people (which, yes, is true), that I'm suspicious and not trusting, that I'm always expecting people to disappoint me and when they don't, they automatically advance to the next level because my expectations were set so low to begin with. Guilty as charged, actually.

I don't even know where I got my emotional defects from. Is it an Asian thing? Is it my family? We're all quite introverted and not particularly fond of social whoring (I hate it, by the way). And if that's the case, I have just unintentionally made a bigger case for why I'm meant to be a writer, to the extent that I believe in these fate/pre-destination sort of things. (I don't, actually. It's just easier to write "meant to be..." and it's also more dramatic than "I should be....")

Maybe I will publish something someday without the universe having to turn itself inside out. I'd need whatever David Cook has been drinking/eating though, because he has the balls to do that sort of thing while I am severely lacking in that department, and of course I'm not just referring to the obvious biological fact. When I say he's inspired, I really mean that he's inspired me, in so many more ways than one, but for things that count the most. I think I've always known that the lawyer thing wouldn't really make me happy, but I was so tired of fighting that it became a 'whatever goes' sort of thing, and I genuinely thought I wouldn't mind doing it. I still think that I wouldn't mind, but this is really vastly different from "I want to". Because the truth is? I don't want to. At all.

See, nothing has changed from Year 1, except hopefully I'm able to express my angst better and in a less whiny and more eloquent manner than two years ago. A part of me finds all of this quite hilarious, but mostly I find it sad.

Okay, so I just cried. This is kind of why I'd much rather talk about David Cook than anything of substance because the only things of substance that are weighing on my mind nowadays are the things that make me cry. And I'm sorry if I much prefer gushing over David and fangirling over him to crying about receiving a $4500/month salary.

But back to the original point of this entry though. In a way I'm glad it happened the way it happened because I think for the first time in my life, and this just happened a few minutes ago, I understand the crucial importance of believing in your own talent. Even if the rest of the world doesn't believe in it, or doesn't give a shit, as long as you believe in your own - my own - talent, half the battle is won.

And for the first time ever, I think I am finally a believer.

***

On a much happier note, boy I love David Cook, and because I don't presently have anything new to say about him, I'm going to picspam.


Oh my god, he's way too adorable.

THERE IS NO WAY HUMANLY POSSIBLE FOR THIS MAN TO GET ANY SEXIER. AND I WANT HIS PUZZLE BOOK. ARGH HAVE I MENTIONED I LOVE INTELLIGENT AND SEXILY NERDY MEN?

HE IS SO ADORABLE, TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS, I JUST WANT TO SQUISH HIM. (And boy, I so need to lay off the caps.)

HIS FACE!!! And that's his brother Andrew, my Facebook friend (hahahaah) on the left.

With Michael Johns. They are the best BFFs EVER. They are so adorable when they're doing stupid dorky nonsense backstage together. I MISS MICHAEL OMG.

With his mom. So sweet right? I'm really going to die of diabetes (to borrow Chloe's saying).

With Andrew. DAVID IS SUCH A DORK AND I LOVE HIM.

"[Andrew Lloyd Webber] is like...the dude." The dude?! To give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm choosing to believe that he was referencing The Big Lebowski. <3

He has the best smile in the world. I like his smile even more than I like my own smile, and we all know how much I love my own smile. Every time he smiles my heart just melts. And it's so adorable when he bites his bottom lip! I think I'm quite close to memorising all his quirks, to be honest. <3

His SMILE!!!! OH MY GODDDDD.

Michael Johns: This is more fun than watching paint dry!
David Cook: (beat) Oh you...sir!

This is quite possibly one of my favourite pictures of him. I love his scrunched up belty face that he does every time he goes for a high note. LOVE him, and I'm more convinced than ever that I've committed all his quirks to memory.

I just...cannot get enough of the pretty. I cannot.

And lastly,

This is quite possibly the most heartwarming David picture EVER. That's his niece and oh my god, he's so sweet I can't stand it!!!!!1

***

On another but related note, WHAT THE FUCK, AMERICA?

Wait, I don't think that drove home my point let me try again.

WHAT THE FUCK, AMERICA?

I can't believe Carly is gone.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Jason and Brooke were easily worse than her.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I can't believe I have to sit through 50 minutes of crap every Wednesday nights now.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I was pissed when Michael Johns left, but I'm even more pissed that Carly's eliminated. HOW THE HELL CAN BROOKE WHITE STILL BE AROUND WHEN CARLY IS GONE? HOW THE HELL CAN JASON CASTRO STILL BE AROUND WHEN CARLY IS GONE?

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK.

David totally doesn't have anyone to be BFFs with anymore. First Michael got the boot, and now Carly. I don't even want him hanging around Jason 'cause I'm afraid Jason's overall retardedness might rub off on David and I don't want anything interfering with his articulateness and his intelligence.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I was really hoping Carly would last at least till top 4 and now SHE'S GONE. I hate this show. If David doesn't win, this show will officially be dead to me.

***

Back to David again 'cause I just remembered something that I wanted to say. I watched a video where this guy who's currently playing the Phantom in, uh, the Phantom of the Opera's current run in the US was talking about David's performance.

HE WAS TOTALLY GUSHING OVER DAVID. Like, TOTALLY fangirling over him. He couldn't stop using the word "totally" and "brilliant" and "beautiful". It made me very happy watching it, especially in the light of what the guy said about Music of the Night being the hardest song to sing in the musical.

Actually I would've thought Phantom of the Opera is harder to sing, but I'm not an actor and I'm not playing the Phantom so I'll take the guy's word for it.

I need to marry David. And he really does chase all my problems away because I'm happy again. Yay.

And because I'm bored and have nothing better to do, I think I'm going to re-write my brother's 50% hopeless GP essay for him.

(Title of entry from Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones, also the song I was alluding to with the "I painted my nails black!" thing.)

***

Edited to add:

CARLY! D:

(But if I'm eliminated from American Idol, the only person I want to be comforted by is David Cook. Even if I'm married.)

***

Edit #2 at 6.22 p.m.:

I just listened to Analog Heart and whatever crappiness I was feeling that was an amalgamation of several factors, some of which have already been talked about in this entry, instantly went away.

David Cook is Magic from head to toe. He is the cure for Bell's Palsy AND depression.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010