Incoherent With Desire to Move On.
written: 9:29 p.m. on Friday, Apr. 25, 2008

Is it wrong that I kind of stopped breathing when I saw these pictures? Because I did. But if it's wrong to love David Cook, then I don't ever want to be right.

I really see fashion model in that face, but I'm glad he's tubby because I don't want my rocker boy to be a fashion model. He's so beautiful that I haven't got the adequate words to describe it, and that picture of him frowning instantly reminded me of Joaquin Phoenix. JOAQUIN RAPHAEL PHOENIX! Whom I think is one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen in my life! (He's also tubby. Oh my god, what is it with me and tubby men?) How is it possible that David is hot even when he frowns? Especially when he frowns? He makes me want to do all sorts of things to and for him. (To AND for, not just to, thanksverymuch.)

I've also decided that I'd be quite happy to be his mic stand after the way he was almost caressing it when singing Always Be My Baby. That man is, quite honestly, sex on two legs.

ARGH. He's the most beautiful man in the world. <3

Replies to CS and V! Thanks muchly for the comments, first of all. Second of all, you guys made my day. <33333

V: If I wanted to keep it private I wouldn't have posted it, so no worries. I'm just a bit embarrassed 'cause it's not really complete and some parts are quite clumsily written. But thanksssss!

CS: Singing Music of the Night = impressive as hell. This actor who's playing the Phantom in the States said the song is very "rangey", and IT. SO. IS. When Cookie sings the low parts I can't croak a single note out, when he sings the mid-range part it's just nice for my range, and when he hits the high notes I'm like, "Wah lau I can't sing anymore lah." (Yes I sing along with David.) So if you can sing it, I'm impressed! You know, I don't know how that story turned out like that, 'cause I really wanted to write something else. Similar theme and idea, but less dark and more optimistic. Somehow it became like that and I just went along with it. Maybe it's a reflection of my subconsciousness BUT in my defence, I didn't consciously inject my own cynicism about love into the thingy! Haha. And um, if those powerful arms belong to David Cook, then I yes, yes, and yes, I concede, I should stop resisting! HAHAHAHA.

I went to Chinatown today to get some fresh air. Why fresh air equated with Chinatown in my mind still remains a mystery, but I didn't really feel like going to the usual town-y areas and spending money on clothes because I am honestly trying to save money for Europe, and the only things I spend on nowadays are David Cook iTunes downloads. Even then my iTunes money has already been deducted from my bank account, so I'm shockingly not spending very much nowadays. No way, right? Seriously, I'm so impressed with myself.

I walked around Lucky Chinatown, People's Park Complex, and People's Park Centre from 12 to 3 without stopping. Halfway through I had cramps in both feet, and now my feet and legs hurt and I'm quite sleepy.

In short, it was boring. There's nothing to see in Chinatown but tourist trap-ish nonsense. It was fun getting a kick out of the Singapore souvenirs and wondering who's retarded enough to buy those crap, but after seeing the same things for miles on end (seemingly), it just got utterly boring. One shop was selling bags that were everywhere when I was in Cambodia, and while I bought those bags at US1 in Cambodia, here it was going for S$12. Like, utter insanity.

One good thing that did come out of the...trip? I can't think of a better word, so trip. One good thing that did come out of the trip was that...*drum roll* I SAW A BUBBLE TEA SHOP AT PEOPLE'S PARK COMPLEX.

AND THAT BUBBLE TEA SHOP IS OPENED BY A VERY POPULAR TAIWANESE BUBBLE TEA FRANCHISE.

It's 50 Lan, for those that want to know and to whom that name actually means something. Because 50 Lan means a lot to me. Why? THE BUBBLE TEA IS FUCKING AWESOME.

Actually, on second thought, any random bubble tea stand in Taipei serves awesome bubble tea. But 50 Lan has a special place in my heart because...I don't know. There's a branch near my grandparents' house, I bought a huge cup of iced green milk tea with small pearls in 2006 and absolutely loved it, and I was bummed when I was back in Taipei last year and didn't get a chance to go to 50 Lan (it's near my grandparents' house, but I'm not sure exactly how to get there, and it's about a ten-minute walk).

Anyway, I got all excited when I saw the bubble tea shop at People's Park Complex. It's called Koi Cafe - no idea why, but whatever. When I saw the sign I was like, "What's this?" Walked closer, saw bubble tea, saw '100% sugar/50% sugar/25% sugar/no sugar' which should have been a clue (any random bubble tea stand in Taipei, even roadside ones, will have those options for you, but it's usually reduced/full/no sugar) then saw the 50 Lan logo, and FREAKED OUT. Mentally, that is. I bought a hazelnut milk tea with no sugar and when it tasted super sweet, I wanted to kill myself. Of course the hazelnut came from hazelnut syrup! I'm such an idiot.

Still, it was damn yummy and I was so happy that I wanted to cry. I love Taipei, I love bubble tea from Taiwan, and oh my god, that cup cost me $2.90 when the same thing costs about S$2 in Taipei. I miss Taipei.

Chinatown also peripherally became about clearing the cobwebs and cleaning out my closet. I definitely did not intend to do so when I decided to go to Chinatown; in fact, it was quite the last thing on my mind, the last thing I wanted to do. But I was already there, and it was right in front of me, and I had to do sooner or later.

Walking around Chinatown by myself with David Cook playing in my head and my mp3 player that contains David's songs in my bag was a good time as any. If someone else had been there I would've needed to explain why I had to take that particular route when it didn't lead to where I wanted to go, and if I hadn't wanted to explain, I wouldn't have taken that route. If David Cook wasn't playing in my head, if David Cook didn't exist to me, I wouldn't have that irrational assurance I needed to calm me down and lead me by the hand, then letting go when I had to complete the rest of the journey by myself.

The flashbacks were inevitable and expected and I saw them coming from a mile away. Then I did what I had to do and I turned back and walked away, and for the rest of the day I didn't think about it again.

And that's it.

The title of my entry is the title of a Midwest Kings EP. David played "rhythm guitar" (bass?) for the band and he was featured on that EP, which I didn't bother downloading because David didn't sing lead vocals on it. (David not singing lead is just incomprehensible to me, sorry.)

It seemed an apt way to describe today and what I've been thinking about for the past few days. There are things that I want to move on from, to leave behind, and things that I want to move towards. I'm not sure how certain I am about some things, and neither do I have the faintest idea what I'm going to do.

But at the heart of it, I've never been more sure about what I want to do, what I need to do, and what I don't think I can do. The problem is, once you've figured that out, where do you go from there? And when everyone around you seems to be in a completely different place, who do you go to for guidance?

Once again, I'm talking about writing. I know that I want to write. I know that I can write and that I'm fucking good at it. The problem is, what do I do about this? I'll be very honest and say that when I think about me being a lawyer, my heart sinks, I'm all choked up, and a sense of dread spreads over me like a noose around my neck.

On the other hand, I have told myself very firmly that I cannot throw away four years of law school and see it go to naught, which means I have to do my pupillage and pass the bar, etc. But after that, what happens? Do I just lethargically stay in the profession and give in to the inertia that will probably set in after you're more or less a newly-minted lawyer? How do I reconcile that with what I want to do?

The problem with me is, I don't just want to be published in Singapore. I think so highly of myself and I want so much that I want to make it internationally. Of course, it's highly possible that I'm fucking dreaming and just plain crazy, but good things only come to those who dream, and I need these dreams in order to get anywhere at all and lead the life that I want to lead.

This basically leads to: I want to leave this country. I've been saying that since I was 17, and now, with one year of law school left, it seems more imperative than ever that I finally leave. But I'm not sure where I should go to, how I'm going to survive without money, where I'm going to find the money for such a move.

I do have a vague plan, but it won't provide a ticket out of here until at least 3, 4 years later. And I'm not sure if I can stick it out here for that long. But if I don't, I really would have no money at all and how am I going to survive without money, right?

Hence, incoherent with desire to move on. Hopefully I've been somewhat coherent in describing my incoherence, but whatever it is, that's kind of what's going on in my head right now. Like I said before, I'm basically back to square one.

I haven't talked to my parents about it and frankly, I'm not sure how much good talking to them would do. I'm basically their only child with some semblance to a bright future, so I can't imagine them giving me the green light to relocate to another, bigger city and try to make it as a writer, and simultaneously throwing away what is definitely a stable income and a stable job. The problem is also this: My mom hasn't read any of my works in years and my dad has never read anything that I've written for the simple reason that he doesn't read English. My dad knows that I can write which he claims to have gleaned from my Chinese essays (uh, my Chinese is really quite shit so I have no idea how he gathered that much) but those are really not even on the same level of skill as my English stuff. And I'm honestly not sure if my mom thinks I can write, or merely thinks that I have a good command of English.

You know, I don't even know if I should be making myself all depressed and moody by thinking about this now. And to be honest, because thinking about it makes me all depressed and moody, I choose to indulge (over-indulge) in my David obsession and channel all my energy into fangirling over him. It's so much more fun and brainless and it makes me happy and makes my heart flutter and makes me forget that I still think that men are all jerks at some level.

Another thing I want to move on from? The 'men are all jerks' thing. It's obviously not true (see: David Cook, the specimen of utter perfection) but I still can't help it, and I still need to get laid sometime before I die so I really should abandon it. But I still can't help it. Claws out, defences up, the only person I want in my bed is David Cook and obviously that will never happen, so the status quo still remains.

Okay, I just read something completely hilarious that David wrote in an email interview so I've just lost my train of thought. I read that interview two months ago and I know what he said about illegal music downloading but reading it again still made me laugh.

"I think the whole legal/illegal side of it is too touchy to touch on, other than to say Illegal is illegal, whether or not it should be banned. Hell, in Missouri, it's illegal to give or recieve oral sex. So laws can and sometimes are trite."

Okay, so apart from my "what the fuck, David? It's 'RECEIVE'" and my "WHAT are you talking about in the first sentence? REDUNDANT AND WEIRDLY-PLACED COMMA oh my god I'm going to faint" grammar Nazi responses, I can totally get behind a guy who thinks that laws banning oral sex are "trite", because you know, I totally agree.

Have we repealed s. 377? We have right? It's the anti-homosexuality one that hasn't been repealed, and it's also trite as hell. So yeah, David, do consider coming to Singapore one of these days to get away from the trite laws of Missouri.

Um, I did not just type that.

Yeah, I so did.

I really shouldn't read anything Cookie-related when I'm attempting to write a serious entry because I've just lost all mood to continue with whatever it was I was whining about and I don't care at the moment, so whatever.

An entry that opened with obligatory Cook content must close with obligatory Cook content.

So in an AI Extra video, the question to the Top 6 was, "What don't people know about you?"

David was all, and I paraphrase, When there's nothing else to read, I'd peruse the Cosmo, Bazaar, Reader's Digest...(goes on to list other crappy magazines), just to see what women want. That hasn't got me very far; I'm still single.

1. Stop using non-normal words. I had to giggle at 'peruse'. Stop it, David. You're killing me.

2. Stop reminding the world that you're single. It's diabolical and mean and torturous.

3. Stop being so adorable. Referring to Cosmopolitan as "the Cosmo" qualifies as 'adorable'.

4. Just...stop. You have no idea what you do to me. Oh, and while you're at it, shave your head bald or something, get your old Amish beard back, and um, I don't know, do something drastic to destroy your hotness. I can't stand that such unstoppable and breath-taking hotness is not mine to hold.

You know, I was thinking about what I'd say to Stereophonics if I had won a meet and greet pass and I couldn't think of a single thing to say to them. What else can I possibly say apart from, "Oh my god, I like, totally love your music!" and to Kelly Jones, "Oh my god, I like, totally want to have a groupie encounter with you!" (I kid, duh.) Nothing, right? I just want a picture with Kelly dammit!

But I was also thinking of what I'd say to David if a miracle happens and the universe is tipped upside down and I somehow got to meet him.

And you know what?

I'd be utterly speechless and incoherent - incoherent then speechless - with desire to kidnap him, make him fall in love with me, and have many gorgeous Chinese/Caucasian babies with him.

No, just kidding. I would be utterly speechless and incoherent, but not with desire to um, nevermind, but because I'd have all these things that I want to say to him and I wouldn't know where to start. And being face-to-face with Cookie will render me speechless and my brain useless and no, I'd look like an idiot and I'd rather not meet him ever than to meet him and look like an idiot in front of him, so here's to not meeting Cookie ever, thanksverymuch.

I'm really tired and I have nothing else to say and this entry has been derailed, once again, by my love for David, so yeah, bleah. Will drool over Cookie for a while longer then go to bed.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010