A broken back is only something if you did it saving me.
written: 9:19 p.m. on Thursday, May. 01, 2008

It's only when certain events and the feelings that you invest into those events have passed and died that you're able to look back on them and see, from a much more detached point of view, everything that you did wrong, everything that you did which you shouldn't have done, everything that you didn't do which you should have done. You should have refrained from picking up the phone, you should have stopped yourself from leaving the house, you should have listened to your guts and trust the person that you've always been instead of the person that you temporarily became. You should have known who you are, you shouldn't have even bothered to try to be someone else, you should have known who you are.

This is who I am:

I like luxury and comfort. I cannot backpack, I cannot do budget travelling, and the only instances in which I can force myself not to stay in fancy hotels and settle for youth hostels are when I'm travelling with a close friend to places that I'm dying to visit when I'm still a student. After I graduate and earn actual money, it's back to four-star hotels for me. I cannot go to India and expose myself to grime and dirt and food poisoning, and if I do go to India, I'd need to do so in comfort, and no, I wouldn't eat random shit from the road sides.

I don't like alcohol. I used to be straight-edged and I was proud of it, but I've since broken that trend. It's good and bad, of course; good because it gives me an extra activity to do with friends and dates, but bad because I can no longer claim, proudly, to be straight-edged. It's not a big deal, really; it was just something that I was really very proud of, way back then. I thought it set me apart from most university students, and I didn't give a shit that it wasn't cool or whatever. I'm fine with clubbing and I enjoy it in small doses, but alcohol per se is of no interest to me. I'd still have drinks here and there, but only with close friends, and only in small amounts. I just don't understand the appeal of spending a bomb on something that isn't beneficial for you in any way, shape or form, which is also associated with so many negative things to boot. Maybe someone might care to enlighten me; as it stands, I still don't get it.

I do not have an optimistic disposition. Period. Pessimistic is my default mode of operation, and on good days I'm pessimistically optimistic. I'm also not someone that ever forgets, but I would rather die than to let you in on the fact that I'll never forget all the times you let me down, disappointed me, made me upset. I'm non-confrontational, I don't like talking about unpleasant things, and I'd rather sweep problems under the carpet and just wait until they stop bothering me - and they usually do. But on the rare occasions when they won't ever stop bothering me, I'd rather not deal with the source of all these trouble anymore and just move on with life separately. Everyone has a breaking point; when I reach my breaking point and cross it, I will find no reason to turn back.

I am, quite simply, not a nice person. My mom has said that I'm self-centered since I was a teenager, and I think it's still true. Me doing things for people out of the kindness of my heart is the exception rather than the rule, and I'd much rather receive than to give. When I do someone a favour, I definitely expect it to be returned someday. There's no such thing as "unconditional" in my book, and I always expect a quid pro quo. This naturally means that when I love someone, I fully expect him to be able to love me back. Otherwise, it's an instant deal breaker and he has absolutely no place in my life or my heart.

I still have a heart. It may shock some people, myself included, but despite the hardened cynicism that I thrive on nowadays, fundamentally I'm a freaking bleeding heart liberal. I feel sorry for criminals, I donated to freaking Idol Gives Back and it had nothing to do with David Cook, and despite my good sense telling me otherwise, I tend to always try to see the good in people (unless they personally offended me) and I genuinely believe that people were born good.

I am emotionally stunted. I realised this quite startlingly while briefly retreading my past relationships. Someone else in my shoes would've handled the first two relationships with much more sensitivity and consideration than I did, and they would have made an effort to keep in touch. I honestly and genuinely don't care - at all - that I'll never see the first guy I ever kissed ever again, and that I'll probably never talk to the second guy I dated ever again. I'm just not a sentimental person and I'm quite fine with never keeping in touch, losing touch with people that were once close to you, because the way I see it, you meet new people, you move on, and you're really the only person in this world that you can constantly rely on. Of course, there are a few people in my life right now that I don't want to lose, ever, but there have been people who have been in my life in the past that have proven to be quite dispensable. The fact that I can think something like this kind of shows I'm not really warm and cuddly, and for a girl, I'm quite emotionally stunted.

But - I don't care.

Because this is true: A broken back is only something if you did it saving me. No point in breaking your back if you didn't do it to save me, because it's all about me. I don't care if you'll never walk again, because a broken back is nothing unless it's done for my benefit. And I'm not just talking about a mere benefit; you must have done it saving me.

Kudos to David Cook for writing that line, because it's currently my mantra when it comes to relationships. I used to think I could be happy settling for something less; but unless happiness involved me crying my eyes out every other day and feeling like shit every other day and feeling that I wasn't good enough pretty much all the time and feeling absolutely worthless and walking around with my self-esteem obliterated, then I never want to be happy ever again.

If a relationship is just a game, like chess, then I must always have the upper-hand. Because, honestly? I'd rather die than to ever put myself in that position of vulnerability again, offering my heart up on a silver platter to be cut open and dissected, then thrown to the floor and stomped on. No one is ever worth such intense pain, and so a broken back, really, is only something if you did it saving me.

2 minutes to Idol. I tried to remain spoiler-free today but I accidentally read a spoiler in a comment on an Entertainment Weekly article about Paula's snafu. FUCKKK! An hour and fifty minutes to the show and I was spoiled. Bleah.

Anyway, title of entry from David Cook's "Don't Say a Word". It's kind of why I love him - he occasionally writes these brilliant lines that I read and go, "Dude, I totally relate. And I couldn't have said it better myself, so I'm totally stealing it." And in the song he sang that line with such venom and spite - I love it.

Idol!

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010