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I think I thought I saw you try.
written: 1:39 a.m. on Sunday, Nov. 02, 2008

Today, when a scene from the past flashed across my mind out of nowhere and at the most inopportune moment, this song suddenly started playing in my head and it calmed me down. I've always loved REM's Losing My Religion; now I love it even more.

Losing My Religion

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
I'm losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this
This slip that brought me to my knees failed
What if all these fantasies come flailing around?
Now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

That was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
I'm losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

You don't realise how gut-wrenching and honest these lyrics are until they suddenly speak to you, completely out of the blue, when you least expect it, especially when you listen to it quite infrequently, if at all.

That, at least, is one thing to counteract and neutralise the memories that aren't ever, ever going to go away, no matter how much I wish they'd stop haunting me, once and for all. I try not to feel vitriolic towards you, but it's hard not to when I find myself walking home hugging myself tight, fighting back tears, when I shouldn't even anymore. You're the undertow of a deceptively innocuous wave that pulls me in against my will, and I'm rooted to the spot, trying not to get swept away, and I can't leave.

It's probably going to take every last ounce of fight that I still have in me to get rid of you - but I will do it. And I will do it by myself. And I will do it.

Because you're not worth hurting over. Not anymore. Not ever.

***

In more pleasant tennis news, oh my god, Tsonga reached the final. He's facing Nalbandian. I MUST WATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010