I'm giving up on trying to think of a title.
written: 2:26 a.m. on Monday, Nov. 10, 2008

Right, enough waffly preambles. I found this paragraph mildly interesting:

Even if I wanted someone right now, it'd be for two things: the physical gratification and the sole purpose of finding a replacement, or a substitute, or a distraction. I can no longer see any long-term, or fathom the concept of a 'long-term', or understand what it is to want a long-term. When I see myself in the future I am with myself. It's always been like this. I don't know why I ever thought it'd be different. I don't know why I ever thought that I'd be one of those girls with a relationship tenure that slowly chalks up the years. (From here.)

It's nearly a year since I wrote that and most of it still rings true to me. Should I be alarmed that nothing of substance has changed? Should I even care? Sometimes I can't help but marvel over how pointless it is, the quest for love to put it in a corny way, or chasing after something that you would prefer to achieve in its most perfect form, but eventually ending up settling for much, much less. My relatives are perpetually worried about my cousin who's 30-ish and unmarried, but I am of the view that there's no point in marrying if she hasn't found a person that she wants to marry. And women desperate to marry by a certain age, seemingly without much thought as to the quality of the thing she's binding herself to.

I mean, really. Is this weird love thing the be all and end all to human existence? Would we die without it? Would I die if I never fell in love again? I'd be lying if I said I gave a shit right now because I really, really, really don't care. My priorities do not include getting myself a boyfriend. I think I'd rather not. It's too painful when he stomps all over your heart and you realise how dumb you were to have wasted all that time and love on someone who didn't really deserve it anyway. The effort, simply put, isn't worth the trouble.

Even then, it doesn't mean you stop feeling altogether. Your head may be clear on something, but the emotional side sometimes insists on barging in and mucking things up. Issues become conflated when they were never confused before, all because your stupid heart refuses to die. Oh, it doesn't die. So much for jealously guarding it, planting tripwires all around. A softie is a softie is a softie. How tragic, really.

Still, on a brighter note, that distraction/replacement thing doesn't hold anymore. To say that I'm seeking a replacement would imply that the person whom I'm trying to replace still has a place in my heart. That is untrue. I don't know how else to say it, but: it is completely untrue. There is nothing to replace if the loss has expired. And I don't want to replace something broken because it'd just break again, and so I'd rather get myself something entirely different. You know, sui generis and everything.

Okay, sad to say, I've lost the plot. I really, really ought to sleep. It's just - I don't even know. I am really very capable of being a cold-hearted bitch; it's just too bad that, essentially, that's not who I am. Why was I that person when I was younger and didn't need to be, but not that person anymore when it would be quite convenient now that I'm older? Sometimes I swear my own stupidity is not just endemic, but completely punishable.

I forgot all about Clarke Quay Guy.

You know, sometimes when I'm boosting my own ego I'd try to list out all the guys I've ever gone out with, and inadvertently I'd find myself forgetting a few. It's not even like I've gone out with that many guys; I can probably count the total number on one hand. I guess some things - some people - simply don't really matter, and never had.

Anyway, Clarke Quay Guy was really weird, and he never called me back after that snub so yay. I vaguely remember someone harassing me recently...oh yeah it was that fat guy who hit on me at my very own condo. He, thankfully, stopped harassing me after a while too. It's really easy to not reply to SMSes, yeah?

This encounter was probably the worst Random Stranger Hitting on Me encounter I've ever experienced. Like, ever. And I can write a freaking book on getting hit on by weird and unsavoury people: ugly guys, guys that pretend to know meta-physics, old men, more old men, guys that can't speak English... It's damn sad, really. The only time a normal and cute guy hit on me, he was going for bible study. ARGH! My life sucks.

Lastly, I just read that I started writing my Emergencies term paper about four days before the deadline. I got an A+ for it.

I suddenly feel so much better about the fact that my R2P is due this Friday and I haven't started on it. HAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck I wanna kill myself now. SLEEP! Gonna die in class later.

(I don't even give a fuck who reads this anymore.)

Oh yeah, I finally watched Cookie's Saturday Night Live performances. While Light On still sucks, I totally, totally loved his other song, Declaration. Don't know if he wrote it, but his treatment of that song as compared to Light On was glaring. Light On was a bit going-through-the-motions, but he turned it so on for Declaration that I fell in love with him ALL OVER AGAIN! I watched some of his Idol performances and listened to his Analog Heart songs.

I LOVE DAVID COOK OMG. I just love him. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010