Eram quod es; eris quod sum.
written: 3:10 p.m. on Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2008

Every time a relationship fails, I go overboard trying to compensate for what I gave away and subsequently lost by piling on defences after defences, brick after brick, lock after lock around myself so that I'm better poised next time to protect myself and not give away too much, too soon. But despite my best efforts, despite my best-laid plans, I can't help but succumb to the same temptation, the same false sense of security and protection, when I have every reason not to, and no reason at all to do so.

You'd think that I'd know better by now after the last relationship that crumbled under the weight of its great expectations and then imploded to no fireworks in the skies, but only a stark, starless night sky. You'd think that I would've learned something by now, after three failed relationships, a perennial lack of luck in love, and my instincts screaming at me to stop, just stop, here and no further. You'd think that, for all my supposed intelligence, I'd actually live up to it for once and stop being the naive, bright-eyed girl I was two years ago, and start being more discerning, more critical, more level-headed. Ex post facto: I should have known better. I've said this before. I've said it repeatedly.

Without my defences, I am nothing. My cynicism is a decoy to distract you from that which I am desperate to protect. Without it I am nothing, just helplessly naked, helpless, irrevocably flawed, treading on thin ice. Then falling right in.

You see, this isn't about you, or him, or him, or all the guys that tried to get to know me but failed, or all the guys I wanted to get to know but failed. It's about me. It's about what you did to me, what I let you do to me. It's about love that goes nowhere, love that ultimately fails, the shattered expectations of a bright-eyed, naive young girl who thought she could take on the world.

I think some things are just not meant for me. Maybe in due time I would come to accept that; but for now, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

***

I hope Roger cheers me up tomorrow by thrashing the hell out of Andy Roddick. If he loses again, I'm just going to feel that much worse. Too bad Nole doesn't do it for me the way Roger does, or I'll look forward to his match with Davydenko tonight. No one does it for me the way Roger does anymore.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010