I swam across, I jumped across for you.
written: 2:47 a.m. on Friday, Nov. 21, 2008

So I'm just going to stop trying and stop pretending I'm not already distracted, and make myself happy by giving myself a huge dose of soma, a.k.a. Roger Federer. I admit, I got distracted when I went to his website and looked at his pictures. I was SO sick of reading Amin Rasheed that I couldn't help myself. In fact, I'd even venture the proposition that I was compelled by the boredom inherent in studying for an exam to look at pictures of Roger Federer.

But anyway.

I think I'm quite far gone. Ever since KL where I was so close, and yet so far, from him, I've been thinking about him more frequently than I used to and in manners to which I haven't been accustomed in a very, very long time. To put it simply, I have a crush on him. To put it more accurately, I think he's the most perfect man ever and I want him.

You see, the thing is, even though I started liking him because of his looks, my interest in him became almost purely about tennis as my obsession wore on. I say 'almost' because I'd be lying if I said I stopped noticing how beautiful he is; I haven't. I never will. But the tennis took precedence over the looks, and for months now it's been about the tennis above everything else - above his natural physical beauty, and his apparent beauty as a person. ("Apparent" because, simply, I don't know him personally and this opinion is formed based on what the world knows about him, which is in turn based on what he chooses to show the world. Assuming he's shrewd like that. I kind of think he's really quite uncomplicated but nevermind about that for the purpose of this parenthesis.)

This surprises me still. The first post I ever wrote about Roger Federer, this one, saw me writing this:

On another note, I've decided I'd love to marry Roger Federer.

I watched him play against Marat Safin during the Wimbledon quarter-finals or whatever it was, and at that time I was all, MARAT SAFIN IS SO HOT!

I mean, Marat Safin is fucking hot, but Roger Federer is gorgeous. He's beautiful. He's so pretty, it hurts - seriously. There's this air of quiet dignity and elegance to him that cannot be described as hot at all, which is precisely why I think he's gorgeous and beautiful and quite honestly one of the most handsome men I've ever, EVER laid eyes on. (He kind of looks a bit like Joaquin Phoenix, which should really figure, eh?) He also looks a touch feminine which I so adore, and so I conclude that it'd be great if I could marry him.

I was soooo sad when I learnt that he lost the Wimbledon championship! Okay, so I wasn't really soooo sad, but I was definitely a bit disappointed. I'm not an avid tennis fan, or a tennis fan at all, but we had sports channels 'cause my bro wanted to watch the NBA finals (David sang the USA national anthem during like Game 3 and I couldn't stop laughing when I was watching it 'cause his eyes were glued to the flag the entire time and it was the most nervous I'd ever seen him look. He looked scared shitless. HILARIOUS!) and Star Sports was broadcasting the Wimbledon matches, so we watched a few. Since I don't live in a cave though, I've always known of Roger (now we're totally on first-name basis) but I never gave a shit because...tennis? Who cares?

But now I totally do because he's so pretty. I'd love to say that I care also because he's a great tennis player, which I'm sure he is, but I know like, nothing about tennis except the fact that it's a racket ball game and that the racket is damn heavy, so I'm not going to pretend to know what makes a good tennis player. My interest in Roger is purely superficial, thanks. Is tennis part of the Olympics? Oh my god I want to watch him again!

It was definitely true at that time. I never watched a tennis match in full, never appreciated the sport, never gave a shit about it. Roger Federer only happened to be devastatingly gorgeous; hence the start of the obsession. But even then, it wasn't so much an obsession as it was a very strong interest. David Cook was an obsession. Joaquin Phoenix was an obsession. Even Jay Chou was an obsession.

Roger wasn't. I know I couldn't stop talking about him and writing about his matches, but I do that with every famous person that I like. I did it a lot more with David Cook, with more frequency and intensity. Writing about the people that I like is just what I do, because writing is what I do, and liking famous people is also what I do. Roger wasn't special; he was just another famous person that I happen to like at a particular point in time. Unlike David Cook, Jay Chou, Joaquin Phoenix and Silverchair, I never once wanted to write a fan letter to Roger; the only time I fleetingly thought about doing so was after the Tennis Masters Cup match against Andy Murray, because I was so moved and inspired by the courage and tenacity and determination and fight he displayed in that match. Still, I forgot all about it seconds later, and haven't felt like writing him anything since.

Roger Federer, therefore, isn't an obsession. I admired him a lot, yes, and I really liked him, enough to spend serious money and drive to KL a week before my exams that I haven't prepared for, just to watch him play in an exhibition match. But it was about the tennis: I wanted to watch him play tennis live because his tennis remains the most beautiful thing I've seen in the context of sports, and one of the most beautiful things I've seen in the context of life. I knew that experiencing it in person, in the same arena as him, was something I had to do before I die, and the KL exhibition match was the best shot I had. So I took it and I was excited about the tennis. I thought it'd be nice if I could get close to him and get him to sign my Feder-Bear, but I knew that I wouldn't be too torn up if that didn't happen - and I wasn't. I didn't need my existence to register in his mind for three seconds, I didn't need to shake his hand, and I didn't even need to stand next to him, look at him and have him look at me, and listen to me as I tried to tell him that I thought he was totally amazing. All I needed, in all honesty, was to watch him play tennis.

And yet, after seeing for myself a whole other aspect to him that I don't see on TV during tournaments, which I only hear about, he's somehow become a real person to me, not just My Favourite Tennis Player and Favourite Athlete Ever. Focusing so much on the tennis and not caring about his personal life helped me gloss over the fact that he's an actual person, that he's more than a tennis player, and that when he's got nothing to lose, he's as normal as the rest of us. His silent resilience on court makes him appear invincible, almost not-human, and his extraterrestrial tennis only reinforces that impression.

But in KL that night, he wasn't the steely, impenetrable fortress of calm and focus that I was used to seeing. Instead, he was this big, goofy kid, dorking around on court, kicking tennis balls as if they were footballs, leaping into the air to attempt a smash when James Blake's shot got nowhere near him, joking around with the audience and the other players on court...I've never seen him have so much fun before. Even when he's enjoying himself playing tough matches, he never lets go so completely before the match is over, and even when he loosens up after the match, he never does so to such an extent. In a way, the exhibition match felt like it was Roger playing, not Roger Federer; just Roger.

He can easily be one of us. His sense of humour is tragically lame, and he doesn't strike me as an overly complicated sort of guy. I don't even think he has many issues at all. He strikes me as quite simple in his needs, seeing as how seemingly all he needs is his family and his girlfriend to stay grounded. He also seems incredibly grounded and has no airs about him despite his staggering fame and fortune. The fact that he's been with the same woman for 8 years, from his early years as an unknown tennis player to his reign at the top, shows a lot. To me, it shows that he's unassuming, uncomplicated, down-to-earth, and that he's someone who doesn't buy into the hype, who doesn't need a luxurious lifestyle of fame and fortune. These two things are, in fact, incidental to his good fortune of being able to do something he loves - tennis - for a living.

The only thing that makes him untouchable is his innate talent as a tennis player, and the easy grace and elegance he brings to the sport - that is all. Everything else about him is refreshingly normal, and the only thing about my perception of him that has changed since KL is that I now understand, truly understand, just how normal he is when he's not competing.

And that is exactly it. That, and how I still think he's the most beautiful man in the world with the most perfect physique. Before KL, he was a bit of the embodiment of the perfect man for me; after KL, he is a hundred percent the embodiment of my perfect man. Not just in terms of looks, though to be sure, my perfect man certainly looks like him; but also in terms of his personality. His loyalty, his goofiness, his lame sense of humour, his kindness, his big heart, his principles, and above all else, his simplicity. Watching him on Tuesday somehow reinforced and confirmed my impression that he's quite a simple guy for reasons I cannot explain, but perhaps because his easy-going approach to the exhibition match and how he was just there having a ball of a good time made him real to me. He's no longer an unattainable god; he's now an actual human being, a real person.

That is the problem in a nutshell. All of a sudden I want him because I can't think of anyone else who would make a better boyfriend, because all the guys in my life have issues and fundamental clashes with me that no one can resolve. His fidelity and commitment to Mirka deeply touches me, but simultaneously leaves me cold because I've never experienced anything like that before in my life. Love through thick and thin, ups and downs, love even when I can ditch you for someone younger, hotter, because I have all these girls lined up for me to pick from; but I still choose you. I will always choose you.

I want him. He is the most beautiful man in the world. For the first time since I started following him, I genuinely and legitimately feel like I actually want to date him - which is all kinds of wrong, because the reason why I never went down this route was mostly because he's practically married, and it's just weird, even if it's purely in my imagination. Besides, like I said before, the ATP player I wanted to date was Gilles Simon, not Roger Federer.

But now I do. Now, he's the high school English teacher I have a crush on which I can never do anything about, not the famous tennis player whom I think is gorgeous. There's now an inexplicable sense of immediacy when I think about him which wasn't present before, and there is nothing rational or logical about this at all. But it's just the way it is, and knowing that, obviously, I can never have him makes me kind of sad.

Maybe it's not about Roger Federer per se, but the kind of man he represents - the rare kind, the almost extinct kind, the kind of man who is heart-stoppingly beautiful and has all the money and fame in the world to buy him a defective personality, but yet remains unfailingly down-to-earth and loyal to the people that he loves. The kind of man that makes a choice and stands by it because he is convicted of his choice every single day - the kind of man that never leaves you, the kind of man that never breaks your heart.

He's the perfect man. There's just no one else. And it makes me sad that I can never have him, or anyone like him.

I think I'm just tired of the exams, my lack of direction in life, my lack of a direction in life that I actually want, and my string of failed relationships and how the string isn't likely going to be cut anytime soon, if ever.

I'm tired of being me.

So I will drool over pictures of Roger because he's my soma and it's easier this way.

This picture, though, is why I love him beyond the realm of tennis:

Absolutely picture-perfect. He looks suave, she looks beautiful, they look perfect. They are both so, so lucky to have each other.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010