Counting on me.
written: 4:16 p.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 03, 2009

Anyway, my sadness over Roger's loss hasn't dissipated. I realised yesterday the danger inherent in placing too much emotional stock in an event I can't control, such as the Australian Open final. I tend to find emotional escapes when I'm bored or dissatisfied or upset with something in my life, or just my life in general, and sometimes focusing nearly all my attention on one event, on one person, is more detrimental than anything. Yesterday in the canteen I genuinely felt as if my world was closing in on me, inch by inch; under normal circumstances, before Roger Federer lost his Grand Slam final, I would hurriedly think about coming home and watching tennis and I'd feel a little bit better.

But yesterday, the whole reason I woke up feeling sad was precisely because of tennis. Then, of course, things got even worse when I saw a couple of people in the canteen whom I didn't want to see - and that was when I felt utterly lonely and sad. I suppose that could have been avoided and it wouldn't have come to that at all if I hadn't seen them in the canteen, but I did. And when my usual emotional escape wasn't available to hold me up, I didn't know what else to turn to.

How 'bout turning to myself for a change, eh? Not that he'd ever know but I'm not begrudging my dear Roger at all when I say that you can only count on you. I can only count on me. Roger can only count on himself out there on the court to be mentally tenacious enough to believe in the supremacy of his tennis and take out his biggest rival. When that fails, maybe you turn to something else, but you can't rely on that something else forever. Roger Federer isn't going to run away from his problem forever; he's not going to play out the last few years of his career hoping other players take out Rafael Nadal before the finals of tournaments. He has to get through it, not around it, and the only way to do that is to rely on himself - to count on himself when it truly matters.

It's easy to say all this and it certainly sounds nice, but I swear, the last person I want to deal with when I'm down and feeling like shit is myself. The last person I want to be alone with is myself.

But I can only count on me, right? Ultimately, when friends have done the comforting, they still have their own lives to live, and there are things I can't talk to my parents about. Ultimately, I can only count on me. It sounds sad, but it doesn't have to be. And hopefully someday I'll come to see that.

***

Baoyue asked an interesting question a couple of weeks ago when she, Simon and I were at West Mall, waiting for my folks to pick me up. She asked: Imagine you're standing in front of a mountain. What would you choose to do?

My immediate response was, "I'd walk around it to the other side."

And that's been my response to pretty much every setback I've encountered in my life. Of course, I can't really think of any legitimate setback I've encountered off the top of my head, apart from that horrendous break up...but then again, it was more an emotional roadblock than a true setback 'cause it didn't set me back on anything, from achieving anything. But that's my response to challenges. I'm lazy, but even more importantly, I'm generally unmotivated.

Then again, on second thought, that's not exactly 100% true. I think the pattern I've exhibited over the past few years is this: When I'm coasting, I'm lazy and unmotivated. See secondary school years - top school, didn't care, got lousy results; then now, law school, didn't care for two years, got lousy results.

But when I'm not coasting, or when I'm in an environment in which I have to fight quite hard to be respected, I step into fifth gear and work my ass off for what I want. See: Junior college. I'd call Jurong a setback, most unfortunately (but also unfortunately, that's the way it is, and I won't pretend to be something I'm not just to make other people feel better), but it was also the only time my whole life I really worked for something I really, really wanted because I wanted it, not because other people told me I had to want it. Another instance - my weight loss. Sure, I was never really super duper fat, but I didn't like how I looked and instead of bitching and whining endlessly about it and feeling insecure about it, I did something about it. Changed my eating habits, started regular exercise, lost sufficient kilos to ease up on the regular exercise now and only exercise because it's fun (i.e. when I want to play tennis). This is also kind of why I find it hard to sympathise with normal people that are just a few kilos heavier than what they'd like, i.e. not obese or born overweight or whatever, but don't do anything about it besides whining about it. If I can do it, so can you. If you really want something bad enough, you'd do whatever it takes to get it - and in these circumstances, laziness is not an excuse.

It makes me wonder if I really want the 2-1 bad enough or not. I don't believe it's out of my reach for reasons relating to my ability to do well in a take-home exam or a research paper. The reason I chose the modules I chose this semester, apart from how I cannot bloody make myself do something corporate-ish or something that involves real law which I can't stand, is because I know these modes of assessment are a good match-up for me.

But maybe it's out of my reach because I don't want it bad enough. I want it, but I don't feel as strongly about it as I felt about wanting 4A's at the A Levels. And I think this attitude has a lot to do with the fact that it's law school, not some generic faculty in NUS. I don't quite know how to explain it except maybe relate it back to Roger again: When he's coasting in a match, when he wins a first set very easily, he gets bored and lapses in concentration and contracts what his fans call 'second setitis' - screws up the second set, plays a tighter second set than he needs to because it's too easy for him and he got bored.

I won't go so far as to say law school is easy for me; it's not. It was never easy, it hasn't really got any easier, and I don't think Year 4 Semester 1 is going to repeat itself. But I am in a very comfortable position. I am in a more comfortable position than many people I know (not including the people in law school 'cause we're all more or less in the same boat), and at one point I felt like I didn't have to work for anything at all. I didn't have to work for passing my exams because a pass is the default grade; I didn't have to work for the good results of last semester and they just kind of happened; and I didn't have to work for the spot in the place I will be going after graduation, because once again, it just kind of happened. Sure, maybe it was what I did during my internship that helped me, but honestly, I didn't even do anything special or different, or worked especially hard. I didn't at all.

Maybe this is my mountain: how to stay awake and stay focused when things are going well, how to put myself in a position where I'm down and out and needing to claw my way up, even if I'm not. It puzzles me, though, that this is more like secondary school than junior college. I would've thought that being stuck in 2-2 hell would be enough to give me the requisite shot of motivation and dish out to me a slap that stings enough for me to get my focus back...but it's not. Because it's a 2-2 LLB. It's a law degree. Even if it's a 2-2 law degree, it's still a law degree.

Oh, fucking hell, I'm such an asshole. Do I really think I'm entitled to all this good luck and good fortune? It'd mean that going through Jurong was for nothing, and that's just too damn sad.

***

My UN Wire told me this: UN official abducted in Pakistan.

I think there is nothing - NOTHING - more despicable and disgusting and repugnant than targeting UN officials and NGO workers and big-hearted people who chose this line of work not because it pays well, not because it gets them on the guest list of fancy parties, but because they believe in the cause, in their ideals, in the goodness of humanity and in peace in the face of everything in this world telling them otherwise. It's one thing to target government officials; it's another thing altogether to take out your aggression and your anger and your wicked agenda on someone who's only trying to help without a hidden agenda of his own. People don't join the United Nations because they want the money; if they wanted the money, they wouldn't join the United Nations. People join the UN because they believe in it, because they believe in a world where peace could co-exist with diversity, where differences don't have to be lethal or divisive.

It makes me so angry to see humanitarian workers being attacked for their bravery to answer to their hearts and not the superficial demands of the rat race. In a world where neutrality is as difficult as Switzerland not having an army, the least you can do is leave the humanitarian workers alone. Seriously.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010