Because he's my brother.
written: 9:32 p.m. on Sunday, Mar. 08, 2009
He's been quite the trooper through all this, but then, I'm not sure if that's got anything to do with how I've been saying he'd definitely get a place in NUS FASS. It seems obvious, right? But who knows? The worst part is trying to strike that balance between not giving him false hopes and not completely shattering whatever remaining shred of hope he's still got left. And then there's the parents, trying to calm them down, trying to get them to stop thinking the worst. How the hell am I supposed to do this? They ask me what I think of his chances so I just tell them what I think but what do I know? How am I supposed to know anything? And is it really only about getting a place in uni, or doing something vaguely useful in uni? What's the point of getting a uni degree if you're just going to come out and get a job that a poly graduate can get?
People who have been sheltered their whole lives, who have spent their whole lives in the so-called "elite" system, they can't possibly understand. I got a sense of this unfairness when I was in Jurong, but even then I was too wrapped up in myself and my oh my god amazing! achievements to realise it. But now, it hasn't just hit too close to home; it's hit home. Literally. My two years in Jurong didn't help me understand what it's like not to have choices, to have put in the effort but not see the results, so I guess I can't blame some of my friends for not understanding either. It's always easier to make the appropriate sympathetic noises without actually caring when the people facing the predicament were not the people that you live with; more importantly, they were not the people that you truly, truly care about - the people that you love.
I don't know else to say this, but...it's killing me, seeing my brother choose between non-existent choices, hoping he'd end up in a relatively better course, this disappointment that I feel, which I'm sure he feels even more, that he can't have the same choices that I had. I don't even know if I should even encourage him to apply to courses that he has the slimmest of slim chances of getting in to. What's the point of applying, just to get rejected, as if he needs another slam of the door in his face telling him he's not good enough?
And of course, because things can't get any worse for him, our cousin who's his age scored 4 A's. And a D for GP, but it's still 4 A's.
All of a sudden, all my complaints about how law isn't what I like and how it's not really what I want to do and how I'm not doing well in a really good course and how I got a B+ instead of an A- or an A- instead of an A or whatever stupid fucking shit that all of us trivially complain about when we have our fucking futures set, as if ONE failure is able to take that away? It all seems so. fucking. trivial. I just don't see how anyone can complain about law school, about already having a tangible promise of a job, when other people are struggling to even enter university. Seriously. I am so damn annoyed and pissed off at all of us privileged fuckers who complain day and night about their oh-so-difficult lives when they don't fucking know how damn good they have it. They just don't. I just don't.
And really - please don't even say anything. Don't even try to make me feel better. Don't waste your time, don't waste mine, don't pretend you care, just don't. Don't. This is my problem, not anyone else's, and don't even say a word about my brother. The only reason I'm writing this here is to let off some steam or I swear I will go crazy. At this moment I don't even care that I haven't started on the paper I have due next Monday. I mean, really. Crying over a fucking second lower in laws? Seriously? People like that ought to be shot.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010