Change is the only constant.
written: 4:19 p.m. on Wednesday, May. 20, 2009

PATHETIC. Gizmo crashed after I got in one vote, then took like 15 minutes to log me in. Rinse, lather, repeat. For the whole four hours. I got bored after a while and went to talk to my mom for about 20 minutes, thinking it'd get better towards the end as it always did the previous two, three weeks...but NO. Exactly two minutes before voting ended, my Gizmo crashed - just as I was about to get my total to 95.

Worst voting attempt ever. I swear, I'm not going to put myself through this boring torture ever again. Kris Allen is the last Idol contestant I will ever vote for! In any case, even if I wanted to vote next year, I doubt I'd have the time, so...just as well, I guess.

I'm genuinely okay with whoever wins, though I'd be happier if Kris won. I like the two of them and I adore their adorable and genuine friendship, so if Adam wins tomorrow, I'd be happy for him too, as will Kris, I'm sure. If Kris wins, I'd be over the moon, and I'm sure Adam will be happy for him. This is actually the first time ever since I started watching American Idol that I kind of wish there could be two winners, because they are both so good at what they do, and my preferring Kris over Adam really boils down to my personal preference.

Can't wait to watch the performances tonight! I'm not reading anything about it and what the judges said because I want to keep myself as unspoiled as possible (though I already know what songs the two of them sang - and I'm very happy with both their reprises!). I'm also SUPER excited about the finale/results tomorrow which I will totally watch live. Not only is David Cook going to perform (and he's performing Permanent, a song about his brother, and it's gonna be the first time he's singing that song since Adam passed away), I'm excited to know who won. DialIdol usually has a clear prediction by the end of voting, but today, DialIdol is showing this:

Compare to this from last year:

Totally exciting, right? I know! I can't imagine Kris winning - it'd be such a trip. I can already picture the look on his face if Ryan says "Kris Allen" tomorrow.

Okay, now I kind of want him to win. A little bit. Maybe more than a little bit. I shall get off this train of thought before I get invested in it, lest I get my heart broken tomorrow.

Yesterday morning I woke up to the ear-splitting noise of chainsaws running themselves to death. I was all pissed and looked out of my window to see what was going on, looking far into the distance to try to spot the offender, thinking it was some road works or piping works or whatever again. I saw nothing, and I was tired of craning my neck so I gave up and went back to doing whatever it was I was doing, all the while trying to keep my temper under control while the chainsaw-ing was still going on.

A couple of hours later, my mom came home and informed me that the tree in the adjacent plot of land, visible from my room and my parents' room, had been cut down. The same tree had been there since pretty much the day we moved in. The same tree that had brought a myriad of birds to my, and my parents', window, much to my mom's amusement and she'd point them out to me. Sadly, I never much cared, thinking, if subconsciously, that they'd always come back. The tree was always going to be there.

Yesterday afternoon I looked out of my window and for once, I could see the terraces in the near distance, and a row of flats in the far distance. For once, my view of the sky was unobstructed and clear, and for once, I could see what was ahead of me, not what was in front of me.

But I missed the view of the tree. I missed seeing the tree, slightly stooped from the weight of its branches, but still standing tall and proud amidst a concrete wasteland void of any real, tangible nature. I still miss seeing the tree; I haven't drawn my curtain today because whenever I think of the view from my window without the tree, I get a lump in my throat. Like now.

I don't know what they're doing or planning to develop. I don't care. My tree is gone, and along with it the birds and squirrels, and when it rains I will no longer hear the leaves rustling in the wind, I will no longer see the tree moving with the rhythm of the impending storm. Everything changes, for sure; but for as long as I can remember, that tree - that stupid, stupid tree - was the one thing I'd always taken for granted as a given, a constant.

As I type this they're still at work. The noise is driving me crazy (it woke me up this morning at 9-something and I couldn't get back to sleep), there is a stench of smoke in the air which I can only presume is coming from the construction ground, and I would look out of the window to see what they're doing, but I refuse to dignify their atrocity with a show of interest.

This is about my tree, and it's also not about my tree. I'm still not thinking about June 1. I don't think I can.

My SMS inbox is full. When that happens, I'm always tempted to do a 'delete all messages' and solve my problem with one fell swoop.

This time, though, I kind of can't bear to.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010