Dry-eyed and knowledgeable.
written: 4:23 p.m. on Sunday, Jul. 19, 2009

I talked to Tong on the phone for four hours this morning, despite feeling like I could collapse on the nearest piece of floor the entire day at the Sub Courts (strange thing is, I can be dying the whole day outside, but the minute I get home, I feel immensely better). But then again, the fatigue goes away when I talk to him and only sets in again when it gets really late, like, oh I don't know, 4.40 a.m. or something like that.

The first two paragraphs are related. There is something I want to say in the light of those two entries and the phone conversation, but I can't find the words right now. And I don't want to write some crap half-assed entry. And I'm late for tennis. So: To Be Continued.

Monday, 20 July, 2009, 9.56 p.m.:

What I wanted to say was this:

I knew for a while that there was no point going around looking for something, a relationship, someone to date, and that the thing about life was that you'd never know what was going to happen, who was going to come into your life, who you were going to meet again. I knew that for a while, but I don't think I really believed it. I think I believed in my own cynical prophecy, that relationships were a luxury that other people enjoyed, that I was never going to open up to someone else ever again, and get so comfortable with another person that I put all my hopes and trust in him, in us, thereby leaving myself completely vulnerable and defenceless. I had to have my defences with me; they were what defined me; and I built my self-perception around them. The perception of the modern female: strong and independent, relying on, and needing, no one but herself. Certainly not a guy, for they were base and unimportant, and ultimately useless because they always turned out disappointing and vastly overrated. And besides, no one was ever good enough, because if I started thinking the opposite, then not only would I have compromised on my standards, I would also cease to be discerning, analytical, and defensive.

I don't think it can be overstated just how much the previous relationship left an impact on me, especially in terms of the way I started to see myself when the crap has cleared and I was actually able to see again. The person that emerged from the wreckage, the rotten debris, of those few months was defiant, silently aggressive, and caustic; above all else, she was narcissistic, not because she actually believed that she was god's gift to mankind, but because she refused to ever let someone else degrade her self-esteem to such an extent that she genuinely believed she wasn't good enough for anyone. A lot of that defensive narcissism has stuck, which is why I make comments that represent that I believe, basically, that I'm god's gift to the male population (whether I actually believe that...is debatable. Which is kind of scary, but whatever), that no one is ever too good for me, and that no one is ever good enough for me.

Was I looking for anything when I met Tong again, and subsequently developed feelings for him? Hell to the no. Those few weeks after I realised I liked him and before we got together, I didn't think I'd be able to take him seriously enough to be in a relationship with him; and after I began to take him seriously, I didn't think I was equipped to handle a serious relationship, and I certainly didn't think I was ready to loosen my stranglehold on all these defences and tripwires and protective layers I wrapped around myself, tightly, jealously. It took me a fucking long time to function as a normal human being again, even longer to regain my self-confidence and self-esteem; it was really going to take a hell lot of effort, someone truly amazing, for me to let go of all my hang-ups, my issues, my doubts, my pessimism, and risk putting myself in the same sorry, pathetic position I was when the previous relationship ended. Above all else, when you take away my defensiveness, at the heart of things I was deathly afraid of being put in that shit-assed position again.

I'm still deathly afraid of the same thing. But if you tell me, as recently as three months ago, that a romantic relationship in which I am a party can actually be good, I'd laugh in your face and tell you to fuck off. That was how much I didn't care, how much I fervently and vehemently believed it wasn't meant for me.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I read those two entries, and some older ones, and realised the opposite of what I said back then has happened. I'm in a relationship that is healthy and good, that is promising, with someone who makes me laugh and who laughs at me without making me feel bad about myself. I'm quite alarmed (yes, using your word; happy?) by the volume of retarded things I say when I'm around him, and he definitely picks up on all of them and never lets some of them go; but he never makes me feel stupid, and he never talks down to me.

I don't think I can adequately put into words how much I appreciate this, how much I appreciate him. He's the first person I've dated who accepts me for who I am and doesn't seek to change me at all, and at the same time he doesn't put me on a pedestal, and he sees me for who I really am. That, to me, is absolutely incredible. I've gone through both extremes: Boyfriends #1 and #2 thought I was some kind of goddess or whatever, and Boyfriend #3...well, simply put, he thought there were many areas I could improve on, character-wise (if I had a backbone back then, I think I would've told him to fuck off). I've never felt so appreciated in a relationship before, and I absolutely LOVE that he's unimpressed with the whole law school/lawyer thing (just so I don't get caught up in my own hype. Because I'm also not that impressed with the whole thing). That's an amazing change from non-law people that I meet who seem to think I'm some celestial being for making it to law school. If not, then they'd make some retarded not-funny joke about how they shouldn't do anything illegal in front of me (please lah, give me a fucking break. I can't prosecute you; I work in the freaking private sector. At least have the decency to brush up on basic facts before you try to make some retarded joke right?). Such comments, both positive and negative ones, annoy me so damn much, it's quite illogical. But then again, I have no interest in someone who thinks it appropriate to constantly harp on the fact that my degree and apparent profession set me apart from everyone else - because I don't think it should, and because I wish it didn't.

Tong doesn't give a shit and I really appreciate that. I can't stand it when people think I'm smart because I'm in law school (oh wait, I've graduated; I forgot); to me, having a law degree proves absolutely jack shit. If I'm being honest, my arrogance does not allow me to respect people simply because they have a law degree or whatever, and if I were to put it plainly, there are some people in law school whom I genuinely don't think are particularly sharp or clever. This whole law thing is an extremely masturbatory and self-perpetuating myth, and I cannot stand it when I get caught up in it myself. There is no basis for me to feel smarter than the average person by virtue of my degree. If I'm going to feel smarter than everyone else, then I'm going to have to make damn sure it's because I actually have a legitimate basis for it, one that wouldn't be reduced to ashes when I set it on fire.

Tong doesn't give a shit about the law thing, and Mel was right when she said he's good for me. In this respect, he keeps me grounded and chips away at some of the unjustified arrogance I've amassed over the past four years. And I think it's quite obvious that I need that.

More importantly, things are pretty amazing, and comfortably so. It's a real relationship and at times when I stop to think about it, I'm blown away by the fact that it's happening to me. To me, he's an amazing boyfriend, one who doesn't place restrictions on my activities, and I appreciate it all, even something seemingly simple like writing about him on my blog or talking about him to my friends. I can't begin to say how important those two things are to me; the line between doing something for your boyfriend and compromising on who you are is so thin, it's altogether too easy to cross it. He makes it easy for me to be myself, with him, around him, and it's small things like that that make me feel extremely lucky to have him.

I've kind of lost the plot. But yeah, I think that's basically what I wanted to say.

Moving on now: Yesterday I played tennis with Ben 'cause Baoyue couldn't play, and two hours later my polo t-shirt was SOAKED. Like, to the MAX. Ben was super cruel and made me run up and down, left and right, like some fucking rabbit. The worst part, though, was this: I consciously made several attempts at volleying, and whenever I was in the area between the net and the service line, the only thing that happened was Ben completely passing me. Fucking pathetic, it was.

Okay, I did make ONE successful volley, but I forgot what it was. But it was completely lame 'cause Ben just hit the ball back, and when I reached out to volley it back, the ball just completely flew by me. And that was after the first few failed attempts. By then I was quite annoyed at myself, and therefore, I had no choice but to say, "Oh FUCK."

Yay! My ball sense, volley-wise, is non-existent. Well, that's to be expected I guess, considering it's not something I'm used to. I gave up yesterday after those failed attempts but I shall try again. Because...I don't know why. Because I want to. Whatever.

Totally whacked one awesome x-court backhand though. And a few decent topspin forehands. Yay.

Skipped all the PLC classes today. HAHAHA. The only reason I'm going for conveyancing tomorrow is because my mom has something at Raffles City, which means free ride and free lunch. And because I need to pick up my Mango jeans from Suntec. Yay!

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010