It's the person.
written: 4:08 p.m. on Sunday, Aug. 02, 2009
Okay, seeing it on imdb.com's Top 250 has effectively derailed my train of thought, and now all I can think about is...what the hell? I was going to say it was funny but pointless, and therefore a waste of money; renting it on DVD would've been infinitely cheaper. Even with the hotness that is Bradley Cooper, it was still a waste of money. That is, the movie per se, without taking into consideration the person with whom I watched it.
I definitely appreciated the distinctive lack of crude, sexual humour though. I suppose I'm a prude in more ways than one, but I definitely do not find sexual/toilet humour funny (hence my dislike for The 40-Year-Old Virgin). Hangover had some weird Chinese guy whom Tong said is a doctor in real life delivering typical, borderline-racist Chinese humour, but I don't really care very much about these things anymore so I just laughed along. Much better than jokes about breasts and dicks, methinks.
(Along a similar vein, the baby masturbating thing wasn't funny. At all. It was like the stupid dog in Meet the Parents that kept humping the stuffed duck - bloody retarded. Oh, and the sex with the tiger thing wasn't funny either. Okay, I'm weird.)
We sat in the second row which wasn't fun at all, so thank goodness it was just a dumb, brainless movie. I was also very glad it wasn't a horror movie, for once. And actually, the seat didn't really matter, because it was comfortable anyway.
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I am so fucking tired right now, despite having slept 9 hours. Maybe it's not the hours that you sleep, but the time at which you go to bed. I slept at 5-ish, because, duh, I was on the phone with, duh, Tong. Duh.
I realise I don't have a lot of expectations in regards to the relationship. I also don't have a lot of expectations of the person. I don't know if I'm subconsciously expecting nothing in order to save myself from feeling disappointment, or if I genuinely don't expect anything. But isn't that weird? How the hell is it humanly possible not to expect anything from the person with whom you're in a relationship? To be sure, I expect the basic things - faithfulness, commitment, loyalty - but anything beyond that is quite debatable.
At the same time, what else is there to expect beyond the basic things? The material things don't matter to me, and I tend to insist that he doesn't pay for everything (but I must say, with some degree of shame, that he ends up paying for a lot of things because I'm surviving on $500 a month, and um, we're quite high maintenance. Fuck, $500 a month isn't money lah dammit), and I definitely don't expect him to pay for everything. At this juncture, a lot of things don't matter to me. Perhaps this will change; perhaps I can only say this with confidence right now because, right now, things are good the way they are, I'm still happy, and thus, a lot of things don't matter. Would that change when some of the gloss wears off and gravity works its evil magic again? I don't know.
The thing is, he was quite right when he said I was relatively inexperienced in the relationship department. That has to be true if my most meaningful relationship before him lasted three months - and those three months didn't even run consecutively. And the last two months...aren't really worth talking about in terms of the manner in which it allowed me to operate in a normal relationship (the truth is, it didn't allow me to do so at all). I must admit that, when I take away the happy feeling and the fact that I adore him very much, when it's just me alone with the fact of a relationship stripped of any qualifying and mitigating factors, I am rather scared to death. One reason I was happy single was because I didn't have to deal with these things - I didn't have to throw myself into the deep end and flounder as I learn how to swim. Of course, the bright side is, I'm actually a damn good swimmer; but all the same, even with the things that I know, I don't swim beyond 6.30 p.m. because I'm irrationally afraid of the swimming pool lights - and I sure as hell don't swim at night.
The bright side, too, is that my decision to get together with Tong was made both emotionally and rationally. Of course, the fact that I'm who I am means that the emotional will always outweigh the rational; but at least the rational existed. At least it wasn't just me diving head-first into something I was clueless about, based solely on how I felt at a particular point in time. I did that all the time in the past, but the two years in which I was happily single put me on my guard in many, many ways; they also made me wary of giving it up too thoughtlessly, too readily, too easily.
But like I've always said - it's not the thing. It's the person. If the thing came without the person, I sure as hell wouldn't want it. It wasn't a relationship I wanted; it was him. And it still is.
And of course, needless to say, I hope it stays that way.
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I'm supposed to think about where to go for dinner but I ended up writing this. Yup, I'm brilliant.
Advocacy ended yesterday. That's all that matters. YES.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010