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Definitely not the best continuation to a crappy start to the week.
written: 1:43 p.m. on Tuesday, Aug. 25, 2009

1. Am much amused by the general Murray hate in the tennis fandom. Some of the comments are pretty generous though: "I don't deny Murray is talented and deserves #2, but his attitude is objectionable." Actually, that's not quite agreeable. He's not talented. He works hard, but hard work and talent are not the same thing. Does he deserve #2? No retrievers deserve to be in the top 10. His attitude sucks, that's for sure, and he needs to stop wailing to himself on court when he's losing a point, and he seriously needs to stop saying "come on!" in that squawky voice of his at his opponent's unforced errors and double faults. But then again, I guess the last point is slightly understandable, as his game is about waiting for his opponent to make the error. No wonder he cheers at UFEs; he hardly ever hits any winners himself.

2. Roger's Cincy victory is incredible in light of the shit hard court season he had earlier this year. In fact, the three titles he won consecutively, from Madrid to Wimbledon, are pretty incredible. Cincy tops it all though, because he defeated Murray and Djoke on the way to the title. That is important because he had such inexplicable meltdowns in his matches against them in Indian Wells and Miami respectively, and he didn't have to face them in Paris and London. For me, Cincy has cleared all doubts, and proved all the naysayers wrong.

3. Looking forward to the US Open like never before. In fact, if it could start right about now, it'd really be doing me a huge favour.

4. Funny how things come full circle. Last year, the US Open was an escape for me from many things. This year, maybe it'd serve the same purpose too.

5. Still not in a good mood. On the bright side, it's nothing I can't get through and work out; on the down side, it's affecting me a lot more than it should.

6. I am affected by words the same way I use words to affect others. It is me to harp on every word that's being said to me, every word that appears in my SMS inbox, and it is also me to be affected by words that are not picked with due care and diligence. After everything's been said and done, the things that I remember most are the words that have been used against me, for me, in my favour, to my detriment. Once the present becomes sepia-tinged old photographs, I remember the words above all else, even above meaningful actions and gestures. I remember the words - those that meant something in the moment (though, clearly, not anymore), those that were grammatically flawed, and those that hurt to the core. Especially those that hurt to the core.

7. I think I am still a predominantly negative person. I dwell on negative things. Even when I haven't changed at the core of things, this tendency that I have of dwelling on negative emotions and events doesn't help either of us. It certainly doesn't help me. At times like now, I wish fervently that I were a different person; but because I am what I am, my mood isn't too fantastic right now. And that's putting it mildly.

8. I finally watched my Chuck Season 1 DVDs last night. 3 AM. It was preferable to emo-ing around for sure. But the downside was, I started falling asleep towards the end of the pilot, which was quite sad. But the ridiculous set-up and the hilarious Zachary Levi did make me feel better, even if it was only for a bit.

9. I love Chuck. It's an utterly brilliant show.

10. No mood to go for yet another inconsequential drafting class. The bright side, though, is that at least I like the tutor. That is, assuming we're not changing tutors.

*

Blah. Tired. Sian. Moody. Weepy.

I suck at dealing with problems, and so whenever I find myself having to deal with something, my first urge is to escape from it.

Thus, right now, there is nothing in the world I want more than getting the hell away from this country, every single person that knows me, everything I've built up in my life here, and going to somewhere completely new and starting all over again. And making it permanent.

If life had do-over button, I'd sure as hell take it. Without the slightest doubt.

At the end of the day, I am really just a girl. With all the negative connotations attached to that word.

And you know what? I can't begin to express how much I hate that, how much it repulses me.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010