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written: 1:56 a.m. on Thursday, Sept. 24, 2009

We watched the new Quentin Tarantino film at The Cathay. I buried my face in his arm at the gory scenes. We held hands throughout the film.

At Ben and Jerry's post-movie, he held on to a $10 note the whole time we were there. I asked him why he was holding the note, and he said, "I was going to pay for you just now."

A while later, when I'd lapsed into staring into space, he turned to me and said, "I might be going to the US next year."

Love is as much about growing with a person as it is about letting him live his own life. But if I didn't love him, I wouldn't have hurt at the prospect of him being away for months on end - even if he was coming back.

When he saw that I had tears in my eyes, he pulled me to him and put his arms around me. He said, "I was thinking I might stay for you, but that's not right."

He also said, "Don't worry. If I leave with you, I'm coming back with you."

When we were outside, talking, just before we got into a cab headed for home, he repeated what he said at Ben and Jerry's, then added, "I should be worried that you wouldn't want to wait for me."

All of a sudden I feel like I can't breathe without him. How could I possibly not wait for him?

*

Feel sad about a lot of things.

The perennial issue of The Future.

The truth is, there's only been one thing in the world I've always wanted to do. That hasn't changed. I thought maybe it has, that maybe I really want to do this other thing I've said I want to do, but ultimately, there's only one thing that makes me happy.

A while back Thx U asked me what my dream was. I told him the truth, then asked him what his was. He said his dream was to make enough money to get him out of the country; specifically, to Hong Kong.

Nice dream, no doubt. And certainly, and infinitely, more attainable than mine.

Makes you wonder what the fucking point is of having passion, interests, ambitions, of wanting things, if the likelihood of success is next to slim. Makes you wonder why we bother with anything at all.

I told Wei Chuen I didn't like talking about this. And I don't. The physical reaction says it all - the throat closes up, tears spring to the eyes, and all of a sudden the world is a shade darker, more bleak, less bright, less optimistic, less hopeful.

I think, if I don't try it, I'm always going to wonder at the back of my mind if it would've worked out.

And yet, the opportunity cost of trying...in pure economic terms, it's not worth it.

But then again, if I were a person that functioned to the drum of pure economics, of pragmatism, then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this, now would I?

Bottom line, though, is still this:

Then again, I don't feel like articulating that either.

*

Felt fucking irritated tonight when I opened that Further Statement thing from the wonderful Board.

Felt fucking irritated, and all I wanted to do was to leave this stupid country and its claustrophobic four walls, leave everyone behind, and take Wei Chuen with me.

Oh, and my cow.

Yup.

*

The Tarantino film was my first ever and I hated the gore, but it was strangely captivating even though there wasn't much of a plot. Good fun. The French girl was gorgeous.

And watching a film that was 75% French/German made me miss watching European films. Maybe I'm secretly a Europhile. I know for sure I'm an Anglophile, so the former wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

I love listening to French even though I understand maybe 5 words in total. I love listening to Roger speak French, and because of him, I can differentiate French from German (I've watched some snippets of news broadcasts in Swiss German about Roger). Even then, Swiss German sounds quite different from normal German.

There is no point to what I'm writing, except maybe this: I love Europe. I love the idea of Europe, the romance inherent in Europe, its languages, its history, culture.

I still wanna learn French. Yet another interest that isn't gonna take shape.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010