Tired of being sorry, again.
written: 2:05 a.m. on Saturday, Nov. 14, 2009

Getting my period today means that my weird-ass meltdown in my car on Wednesday was me PMSing. It means that all of Thursday was me PMSing. Maybe my PMS lasts a week, I don't even know. But I do get it. And when I'm overly emotional, I tend to suspect I'm PMSing, but I don't know for sure because my period is so irregular that I've never bothered keeping track of when it'll come, and thus I only know for sure when it comes.

As you can see, Wei Chuen and I have been fighting like a thunderstorm the past few days. It's our biggest fight ever. I think it's an accumulation of smaller things from previous times (drowsy from cough medicine; English fail at the mo), my failure at explaining what it is that I was upset about, and resultingly, his misunderstanding me.

It's a long story. Actually, it's not. I just don't want to go into the details.

And I'm really tired. And I miss the way things were. Maybe I just need to learn that guys are all obtuse, no matter how great a boyfriend they are. Mag and Chloe are right. My dad proved it last night anyway, when I asked him if he'd do something which Wei Chuen didn't do which I got upset over and my dad was all, "It wouldn't even cross my mind."

See? Men are just like that. And I'm obsessive and nitpicky, and because I'm obsessive I think about things a lot more. I'm also an inherently negative person, so I think about the negative things, probably the wrong things. And these things just add up, until the smallest thing gets blown out of proportion. And when my needs are not addressed in a swift and timely fashion, because I also happen to be an impatient person, it gets even worse.

I'm not good at waiting. When I want something, I want it now. I'm an instant gratification kind of person. And so when something I want takes forever to be given to me, I start wondering if you're sincere, then I start wondering if I mean that much to you.

And of course, the flip side of the coin is, maybe this is just who you are. You're a turtle. You're slow. You do things at your own time and you don't like to be hurried. I get it - or at least, I want to get it. Truth is, I don't. And so my conclusion is this: We just don't know each other enough yet. And there's nothing wrong with that because it's been four months and then some, not four years.

My mom said that my dad is super dense and oblivious; never gets her flowers no matter how many times she hinted that she likes flowers. But my dad is also loyal and faithful and honest and kind.

That pretty much describes Wei Chuen. Maybe I'm not as reasonable as I thought I was. I definitely am exactly as self-centred as I knew I was.

But still, you don't just take back a "let's break up" without an apology. The wounds from those SMSes aren't going to heal just because I'm saying that I'm sorry. It makes me scared to tell you negative things, in case you want to break up with me again. And throughout all our fights I've never once suggested we broke up, because I'd make sure I mean it first before I said it.

And then this stress thing. Truth is, I've failed completey at understanding because I really honestly don't get it. I don't get stressed out very much, if at all. I'm not stressed at all that I haven't studied for the bar exams. I wasn't stressed out over the 2-1 even though I wanted it. I wasn't stressed much in my first month of pupillage. The last I really felt stress or pressure was the A Levels, due to how much of myself I invested in my results, how I pegged my self-worth to the number of A's I got. Did I panic when it was two, three days before a deadline and I hadn't started on a paper? Sure I did. But I didn't get stressed out because I knew I'd finish it, and I knew that my first draft would at least be decent. Didn't get stressed out much before Year 1 and 2 exams, mostly because I didn't care. Good things just happen to me and I take them, but I don't get stressed out in the process because I don't care that much, and because I know they will happen. Just like I know I will pass my exams, nevermind that I currently don't know how.

Perhaps it's true that I'm overly-confident, that I over-estimate my own abilities; but whatever the case, I don't get stressed out. Therefore, I haven't been understanding at all.

Okay I seriously need to sleep and I don't really know why I just typed all that, let alone who I'm really talking to, so let's just move on.

*

Parents left for Beijing for the week and I'm actually sad that they're not around. This is very much unexpected.

Wei Chuen said the other day that I wouldn't be able to just pack up my life here and leave for good, just like that, because I wouldn't be able to leave my family behind.

I suppose he was right. At that time I still wondered if it was true; but now, I think he was right.

Oh wait, who am I kidding? I know he was right.

*

In tennis news, bleeding Jo-Wilfried Tsonga totally did NOT take out Rafael Nadal. I AM VERY DISPLEASED. He better not reach the final. The gap between him and Roger CANNOT close please, thanks.

UGH WHY DID ROGER LOSE TO FREAKING STUPID JULIEN BENNETEAU WHO WENT ON TO LOSE IN THE NEXT ROUND. SERIOUSLY.

Okay, I was touched when I saw how hard Benneteau cried after he beat Roger. I saw the last bit of the match (didn't watch it obviously; never watch matches he lost unless I'm watching it live, which is why I prefer to watch matches live. Gives me more Roger. Roger Losing is better than No Roger) when they played it before Benneteau/Monfils, and the dude was SOBBING. He'd never taken a set off Roger prior to this match, and he won, and he was SOBBING. So yeah I was touched. Whatever, HE STILL SUCKS. If you're gonna take out the GOAT himself you better make sure you win the tournament, but did he? Noooooo. Lost to MONFILS. Ugh.

Okay gonna play tennis in the morning and have to wake up even earlier to make own breakfast so have to post this now.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010