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I've figured out why I do so. I do so because if I didn't, I'd become the person that I really am - and that person is grotesque, selfish, and plain awful.
It's true. And I know it. It's okay. You don't have to try and make me feel better.
And I'd understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore.
You know how I'm always dismissive of guys who express an interest in me based solely on my looks? Here's the truth of the matter: The truth of the matter is that it's really a defence mechanism I have put in place to defend myself against the eventuality that these guys who think I'm girlfriend material simply because of the way I look will cease to think so once they get to know me - really get to know me. When the shit hits the fan, that's when a person's true colours is revealed. My true colours are the seven colours that form the rainbow of Selfish.
Who can really love a selfish person? Who can love a person who can't love anyone more than she loves herself? In fact, who can love a person who can't even truly love herself? I'm not just selfish the way a normal person is; I'm exceptionally selfish. My mom can attest to this, and she'd know best, having known me for over 23 years. That's my entire life. She's seen every side of me, and therefore she is correct.
And the most painful part is that I've done so much to try to change, but when it comes to the crucial moments, I instantly revert back to the shit person that I am. These crucial moments are the most telling. It doesn't matter how much time I spend looking for a birthday present, how many times I bring food over to him, how long I spent trying to perfect his birthday card; these things are insignificant when I fail to really listen to him, to understand where he's coming from, because I'm too busy listening to the cacophonous rebuttals in my head.
Selfish and self-absorbed and stubborn and spoiled. I'm such a catch. I'm such a catch.
Clearly, I can't do relationships if my boyfriend and I can't be happy for more than a week at a time.
Clearly, I suck at relationships.
Clearly, I don't deserve to be happy because I have done nothing that even vaguely demonstrates that I deserve it.
I'm just so tired right now that I can't even continue with this crap entry; and yet I can't sleep because I'm upset.
I don't even know.
At least Nadal lost to Soderling. In straight sets.