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Lost/Found.
written: 12:17 a.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 09, 2009

One of the many reasons I identify my JC days as some of the best years of my life is probably the most important: those two years, especially the second year, were perhaps the only times in my whole life that I really, really felt driven, purposeful, like I knew what I wanted, like I really wanted it, and really wanted to work for it. Those two years were the only times I really, really cared with all my heart and soul, my entire being.

I haven't felt that same passion and determination ever since.

We had a nice welcome tea for the pupils today, and one of the partners came and sat down with myself and a couple of my friends to talk to us. Everything he said was true; what was especially true was this: the things that you really want are the things that you have to work hard for.

The problem lies in identifying that thing that you really want. But I think a part of the problem is solved when you know for sure what you don't want.

I think, generally, life is too short to be lived in misery and obligations, to wake up every day not knowing why you're up at 7 a.m., to go home when the sun has long set and not knowing why you just spent the past 12 hours doing something that you don't exactly want to do. This applies to everything, everyone, and not just to me. Maybe I'm fortunate because I have the luxury of choice, and I know I have options; but when push comes to shove, there's no reason why anyone should settle just because someone else isn't in the same position. Everything is relative, happiness and satisfaction included. There is no objective standard when it comes to what you want out of life, precisely because you don't live twice. If you did, I might rethink this; but you don't. I don't. We don't.

I think I've come to some sort of a decision, albeit a tentative one, albeit an uncertain one. We'll see how this works out. And then we'll take it from there.

*

On a lighter note, it was awesome meeting Mag for first-day-of-work post-work waffles, a continuation of our on/off first-day-of-school movie tradition. Haha. We went to Gelare at Orchard Central or whatever for half-priced waffles. Great food, fabulous company, great conversation, many laughter - definitely a great end to an okay-ish day.

I was also very happy to discover that OLIVIA IS NOW SITTING BEHIND ME. YESSSSS!

And the secretary that sits in front of me is totally made of Awesome. I'm very glad that I have my old place back 'cause she totally brings the lulz every day and that, itself, makes work somewhat more bearable.

*

I'm attached to a trial which starts in January, which more or less means my December is fucked.

I just want tomorrow evening for tennis with my boyfriend at his dad's country club. That is all. After that, I won't complain about staying late and whatever. In fact, I think I'd be quite prepared for it.

*

Speaking of my boyfriend, I love him very much. Very, VERY much. I think I need him especially now, because he's probably one of the few people in my life that keeps me grounded. It's easy to get swept away by this whole thing, though right now I'm not sure what it is that's so capable of sweeping an individual away (was about to say glamour but truth is, it's not glam at all), but anyway. It's easy to get complacent, to get caught up in the convenience of the whole enterprise, the comfort of the structured programme and career path; but I need to live a life worth living. He reminds me of that all the time without even trying, because he pretty much embodies that.

There's only so much of growing up you can do before you grow into someone else. And I don't - desperately don't - want to lose myself again.

*

Gonna sleep! Tired to the core.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010