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Attention Deficit Disorder.
TOWARDS THE END MY FOREHAND WAS ON FIRE. I HIT AN AMAZING CROSS-COURT FOREHAND WINNER THAT LANDED JUST IN THE CORNER AND I WAS SO ABSOLUTELY AND TOTALLY PLEASED WITH MYSELF THAT I DID AN ACTUAL FIST PUMP. THE FIRST ONE EVER. AND I'VE HIT SOME SHOTS THAT PLEASED ME JUST AS MUCH IN THE PAST.
I THINK TODAY'S ONE WAS SPECIAL BECAUSE IT WAS FROM MY FOREHAND, AND IT LANDED RIGHT IN THE CORNER. AND IT WAS CALCULATED. IT WASN'T ONE OF MY GRATUITOUS WINNERS; I ACTUALLY WANTED IT TO GO CROSS-COURT. I AIMED FOR THE OPEN COURT (NUS WALL GUY WAS PARKED AT DOWN THE LINE) AND NOT ONLY WAS IT IN, IT WAS PERFECTLY IN.
SERIOUSLY. THAT ONE SHOT MADE ME SO HAPPY. IT'S RIDICULOUS HOW HAPPY THIS SPORT MAKES ME.
I played out of my mind for about fifteen to twenty minutes more after that shot, with the forehand on fire, and when NUS Wall Guy suggested we played a tie-break, everything went to shit. I served all the balls, and served two double faults in a row. Gave him game points at 2-6. Then hit a backhand into the net, and it was game over for me. 2-7. Was it better or worse than losing 1-6 the last time I played a set with him?
I play freely when there's nothing at stake. But when we're keeping score, I get all nervy, and scared, and tight. ESPECIALLY when I have to serve. It's nerve-wrecking to step up to the baseline to serve because it's completely within your control (it's the only shot that's 100% within your control) and therefore in your head you're telling yourself not to screw up, which means you end up screwing up.
Okay, I do, at the very least. It's sad. If I were a pro player, I wouldn't make it past the first round of qualifying.
In other, less chipper news:
I genuinely think my attention span has run its course. I genuinely think I am mentally checked out. This relationship is currently on VERY shaky grounds. I'm bored, I'm disinterested, I don't feel like I have a stake in this, I can't see a future for us.
And I'm not talking about my boyfriend.
This entire week has been pretty bad. In terms of workload, it was heaven; but I've lost my focus. I mean, I never really had it, but I had SOME, and this week it was just nowhere to be found. I genuinely don't seem to care anymore.
And I genuinely don't know why.
The worst part about all this is that all I've done these past five years is this one thing. I have not experienced anything else. Much as I like to say that my law degree can get me anything I want, the scary part comes when I realise I don't know what I want to do in lieu of this profession. I don't know what I can do.
I don't know why I feel this way. Life would be easier for me if I felt differently; but the truth is, I've been dispassionate for quite a while now. I feel disconnected, detached. I feel like crawling out of my own skin.
Nowadays the only times I feel at peace, relatively at least, is when I'm on a fucking tennis court. What a travesty, what a disaster. It really shouldn't be this way. But I can't help but STILL think back to the choice I made in 2005, and I can't help but STILL wish that I'd chosen differently.