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adrenaline keeps me up inside
written: 3:39 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002

My wrist is still sore from 2 hours and 50 minutes of non-stop, furious writing from the Literature exam today, and I'm dismayed to announce that I am a total idiot. "To Kill A Mockingbird" sucked. The passage-based part was so hard. It was an extract of the lynch mob (until "You have 15 seconds to get them out of here" or something like that), and they asked me to narrate the events that happened earlier on which led to the event in the extract. I read the question, and the mind was a total blank. I vaguely recalled something about a group of men, including Heck Tate, going by Atticus's and talking to him about Tom Robinson. I remember Atticus saying, "Do you really think so?" to a comment one of the men made. I remember Scout's analysis of that comment.

I didn't remember what they talked about. So I penned my own novel, and wrote that they were there to dissuade Atticus from defending Tom, which is wrong. They were there to voice their concerns about the possibility of a lynch mob, but of course I have to forget. Of all the things I screw up, I screw up Lit! Thankfully, it was only that part that was glaringly wrong, but then, it wasn't like I totally shone and glimmered for Julius Caesar or prose or the TKAM essay anyway. I had an entire essay in my mind when it came to the unseen prose, but I ran out of time so I ended it abruptly.

School is a vicious cycle, it is, and I'm trapped in it, but strangely, I don't care all that much. I realised my mistake on the MRT while reading that chapter again, and in my mind, I went, "Oh shit", but that was it. Ordinarily I would've started cursing at myself and at my stupidity, but not today. I was at peace with myself enough to sleep.

I had another disjointed dream last night and Gen appeared in it. My dad had to go to Taiwan for a week, and my family went to the airport to send him off. Before he left we sat at a bar-restaurant type place and ordered stuff to eat. The lights were dim, making the place almost pitch-black, and it was illuminated with a bluish glow, like a dance club (though I don't know how a club looks like). We sat at the bar top and chatted a bit. Now, the thing is, I knew that Gen was there. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe I simply knew where he earned a living, but I just knew anyway. And then he was walking past me, not looking at me but I knew that he knew that I was there, and that was enough.

But the most amazing part is the sheer amount of pure electricity that was in the air between us, almost enough to set the place on fire. I had probably a million butterflies in my stomach, all fighting to escape. And that was it, that was the only part he was in. We didn't talk to each other and we didn't look at each other, but it was still as if we were close, physically and otherwise, as if the electricity between us would never be conducted away, no matter what.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010