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This is a diary, not a blog, for to call it the latter would be attributing a rather gross misnomer to the real purpose of this diary. It's not exactly a good paper diary surrogate; the fact of readership makes me subconsciously/consciously censor some of my thoughts which defeats the purpose of keeping a diary in the first place. But since I've taken to this as my primary form of daylogging/catharsis, I guess I'll just make do. This is not a blog because I don't typically talk about current affairs and the things that blogs (and I mean real blogs) talk about. I may give my two cents' worth on certain issues that intrigue me, but nowadays, more often than not the only issue that intrigues me is my life in all its myriad pointlessness. I only write about what interests me, and thus I only write about my life.
Life revolves around two things: school and non-school.
School is in the form of NUS Law. School was previously in many other forms, namely CHIJ St. Nicholas Girls' School (Primary and Secondary) and Jurong Junior College. I hated SNGS, tolerated JJC, and now I oscillate between abhorring NUS Law and begrudingly liking it and sometimes forcing myself to like it so that I won't be so miserable most of the time. Suffice to say, though, that I still don't know what I want; sometimes I wish I hadn't sold out and had chosen the Arts/Literature route instead; other times I know that if I'd done that I'd be regretting it just as much right now; and most importantly, I wish I were still in JC.
Non-school. Where do I begin. My friends - Mel, Khai, Ruishan, just to name the main ones that keep me sane. I don't know what I'd do without them.
My love life is non-existent and I'm still waiting for someone mind-blowing to sweep me off my feet and make me fall in love. In the mean time I'd make myself settle for two-month long flights of fancy that end up not meaning anything when they're all over. It still gets to me, though, how you were once so close and then total strangers like nothing ever happened, such that it's almost like you've erased memories of each other. There is nothing more tragic in the world than that.
I am obsessed with the notion of erasing memories. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was an amazing film. The paradox is clear: the only way to forget someone is to remember him. It's as simple as that. So, the more you remember, the quicker you forget, the less chances of you making the same mistake, because you never get a clean slate, and even if you do you'd still be the same person and you'd still go down that same disastrous path and the only way to stop yourself is to know.
Now, I know.
Despite its less-than-innocent impurities, I don't regret my past, at least not in a way one would imagine. The only thing I regret is not staying in touch, more so for the first boyfriend (refer to April 2002 to December 2002 entries). The last time I saw him was the day I broke up with him and I was 16 and young and naive but I know now those aren't real reasons to bolster the burn of my stupidity. If only I'm not left with a million "if only"s; I'd learn from my mistakes but it's hard to sometimes, when you're not sure if it's worth it.
And I'm just being vague and not making sense.
Random things I love: Literature, poetry, writing, reading, film, good music, buying books, Chinese, Taipei.
Random things I like: Caffeine; shopping; basketball; staying up late at night; the Internet; cakes; pasta; NYDC; Mos Burger; Slam Dunk; Samurai Champloo; MitRu fanfics (Mitsui Hisashi + Rukawa Kaede); hot guys; guy-on-guy action; swear words; the Taipei-Taiwanese accent a la MTV VJs; and so on.
Random things I dislike: Pop-up ads; pop music; computer virus; Hollywood movies; popular fiction; Harry Potter; religion; the poor state of local journalism and how most journalists can't write in proper, complete sentences to save their lives; the local blogging scene and how trivial and mundane it is; the local blogging scene and how non-literary the bloggers are (I can't even bring myself to call them 'writers'); the local blogging scene and how some people seem to think that writing for Today makes you credible, because it doesn't and in fact it only adds to your already-vast lack of credibility in my eyes; Singaporeans and their apathy towards quality; Singaporeans and their political apathy; the native Taiwanese Mandarin accent a la Chen Shui-bian; and so on.
Random things I abhor: Homophobia; Singlish; ordinary guys who mistakenly think that they're either good enough for me or too good for me (to which I only have one thing to say: Fuck you); the death penalty; a cold and inhuman form of utilitarianism that trumps everything else especially the human heart; Singapore society; English-speaking Chinese who look down on the language and the people who speak it; English-speaking Chinese who are under the misconception that their English is so formidable when I find myself mentally correcting their grammatical/pronounciation mistakes when talking to them or grammatical/spelling errors when reading their crap; people with bad English; people with bad Chinese (especially Singaporeans); and above all else, life.
People I admire: Julian Barnes, Jay Chou, Wong Kar Wai, Chuck Palahniuk, Charles Dickens, Takehiko Inoue.
I like to write.