i spilled. confession.
written: 5:14 p.m. on Friday, Sept. 20, 2002

I can't bear to read entries in which I talk about Gen. I don't know why. It's especially true for this entry. And the title. God, what was I thinking? "willing and able to come", indeed.

Well, I did not come, that's for damn sure.

I know that one day, while browsing through this lovely online journal, I'm going to be skipping over this entry and all the entries in which Gen is mentioned. I even skip the ones in my private diary. Especially the June 19 entry. It has details, explicit details, and right now, I just want to forget.

I don't understand it. There is nothing wrong with Gen. He's a lovely person and I like him.

Fuck, I just winced again at another stupid Gen reference. I've avoided talking about this, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately, even during examinations. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe it's the time apart. Maybe I've forgotten how magical being with him is.

Or maybe I'm just lying to myself. Maybe I don't want to be with him anymore. I play all sorts of dramatic bullshit in my head where I go, "I'm sorry, I can't do this, you don't want to be involved with me, you have no idea, I am murk and you're not worth murk."

Basically, I imagine breaking up. I imagine a diary entry in which I describe breaking up. I don't know why. I haven't met anybody else. I don't like anybody else, famous people not include. He hasn't done anything wrong. He isn't cheating on me and he isn't pressuring me for sex. It's all good, and yet I'm not content.

I think the break up speech will be more appropriate like this: "I suck. I really suck. You deserve someone better, someone whom you can make love to, someone who will love you with all her heart and that is not me. I'm sorry I brought you into this whole shit. I was selfish, I didn't think ahead and I didn't know what I was doing. I just wanted to experience the dating game. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me."

I feel like crying all of a sudden.

I really am a horrible person. He is the Innocent and he doesn't deserve this crap from me.

What am I going to do? I don't even know how I feel anymore. This doesn't even feel real. It doesn't feel like me.

This is exactly why my entries have sucked lately and all I talk about is football. Football is not complicated. You either win or lose. You don't limbo in the middle of nowhere and threaten your equilibrium. You are a hero when you score. You are more of a hero when you save. When you're a hero, people love you, and that kind of love, it's simple and straight-forward. Your fans don't wonder if worshipping you is worth it, if spending time watching you play isn't a waste of theirs. Your fans don't dissect your every move, because in the end, you will score or save and they will love you for it.

Great, I don't know where I'm going with this. Football has never been my forte.

Neither has handling relationships. Just what am I going to do? I don't want to hurt him, but if I keep on with it and act like everything is great, I'd hurt him even more in the end.

You know what, I should never have started this. I should've listened to my friends and left sex out of the picture. He's always going to be the first guy outside of my family who's seen and touched me without my clothes (and still like me after). I'm always going to have that hanging over me.

I should have thought before I acted. Man, I was so sure I knew what I was getting myself into, but in fact, I didn't. I had no idea. I just wanted sexual pleasures with a really hot guy who likes me and whom I like. As usual, I didn't think. I never think. All I think about is stupid, useless shit, like how I'm going to track down Iker Casillas in Spain and get his autograph. Like hell that's going to happen. I should just focus on the tangile and block out everything else.

I've ran out of steam so I'll just stop here.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010