"tell me, good Brutus, can you see your face?"
written: 5:41 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 24, 2002
Chinese and Mathematics paper one today. Slept for 15 minutes during Chinese, after finishing the thing, of course. Was falling asleep during Maths. I was so tired today. I took two Panadols, one menstrual one regular, and neither of them worked. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fare badly for the prelims but it don't matter any as I don't care. I'm not at all worried and I have enough confidence in my amazing memory and my capabilites to know that I will survive the O Levels. I just need to start working my arse off from October. Yep, taking the rest of the month off. Hell, I deserve a break, nevermind that I treated the prelims period as a break. Just pretend that never happened and that I really worked hard, okay?
I'm going to hunt for a decent dress thing that costs below a hundred bucks really soon. It's for graduation. (Like I said, I won't lump the words 'graduation' and 'dress' in the same sentence.) I'm also going to get contacts. I'm also going to buy a lot of useless stuff...or maybe not. I shouldn't spend money on junk as my family isn't exactly the Rockefellers.
It's better to type senseless rubbish because I came to a realisation last night while I tried to sleep and I'm trying to brush it off because it's confusing me again and yes it's related to the Gen issue but I won't talk about it or think about it and I'll just go with the flow on Thursday I mean I don't know what I'm going to do exactly I've never been good at the talking thing but I gotta do what I gotta do I can't pretend everything's all right when I've written that entry and thought these thoughts and written those poems because if I pretend it's all one big lie and I don't want Gen to be one big lie.
Now that's out of my system. Turns out The Athlete read the 'to break up or not' entries. I don't know what to say. She doesn't either, I don't think. I haven't actually told anyone verbally about it, and I don't plan to because I don't care for their reaction, or their questions because I won't know how to answer any of them. I also won't know how to deal after that. It would be like this:
Friends: Why, Yelen, WHY???
Me: Umm...because...yeah...I don't know...
And then I'd feel obliged to act all tortured and tormented when I don't feel that way. It's a natural instinct. Kind of like how Merrill Hess "felt wrong not to swing". (See Signs and you'll understand.) It just feels wrong not to pretend.
The last week my mood has changed from annoyingly happy, or something like that, to pathetically low in the dumps with tears flowing out from nowhere every other night. The tears have stopped, but the experience, for lack of a better word as my brains are fried, has made me wonder which side is the real me. I put on a facade for everyone. For my friends, I'm the quiet person silently listening. For my family, I'm the childish daughter/sister cracking lame jokes and laughing at absolutely nothing. For my relatives, I'm the teenager who is totally carefree, except for when it comes to school.
For Gen, I am the girlfriend. I am the girlfriend who is sweet and supposedly clever, as I go to a top school. I am the girlfriend that talks differently from other Singaporeans. I don't know why I keep Singlish out of my speech when I talk to Gen. Just feels wrong to say 'lah' and 'wah lau' to a foreigner, I suppose.
Sad as it is, I don't think anyone that knows me truly knows me. They perceive me as who I choose to present to them. They are mistaken. They are all mistaken. You may think you know me, some of you may even think you know me really well, but you don't.
I don't even know. Who really does, anyway? Even Joaquin Phoenix doesn't know what he wants in a relationship.
And I've just lost my case. Ah well.
short description from Julius Caesar, Act One Scene Two, by the Bard.
PS. If anyone's interested in my pond weed. My maid threw it away, thinking that it was one of the dead plants floating around in my mom's fish tank. My poor, poor pond weed. Rest in peace.
PPS. Yes, I'm crazy. I'm menstrual. Think about it.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010