daylight burns my sleepy eyes
written: 4:38 p.m. on Friday, Jan. 18, 2002

Okay, so today really sucked. It was so hot and humid, I was in a complete daze as I went home. I wondered about how it would feel like to jump in front of a speeding car, and how people would react. To be completely honest though, I have wondered time and time again about whether people at school would actually notice if I jumped off from the 5th floor. Not recently, of course, but I've wondered about that before...and the answer is always no.

Anyhow. I wrote a story called Crush. My mom read it, said it was good, that I can write (yeah, we've established that a long time ago, about time you're catching on...), and she was dismayed that I killed off the girl. I realise I just wrote a spoiler, but heck, it's not like anyone's so interested in reading a stupid and lousily-written story anyway. But yeah. My mom said that girl sounded a lot like myself, so here's my confession: she's partly correct. There is this boy, Derek or something, younger than me, who lives on the 8th floor. He talked to me some few years back, when we bumped into each other while walking up that tedious, piece-of-shite slope. I still see him sometimes, when I take the bus back, but he hasn't spoken to me lately, and I'm not the type to go up to somebody I don't care for to initiate a conversation. So my imagination kicked in, and I started to think, "What if he's got a crush on me?". That's how the story was born.

Of course, talk about unlikely, or even impossible, but what the hell. It's fun to speculate. I didn't want to kill off Lani actually (girl in Crush), but I couldn't end the story so I just wrote whatever, and yeah. She jumped off her condo, which is based on my condo. I think my mom suspected something...perhaps that I'm suicidal...I'm not. I'm way past that. But even if I do kill myself, I wouldn't do it by jumping off my living room. Pills maybe, but I wouldn't jump, that's for sure.

Christ, what kind of person talk about suicide like they're gonna do it?

It's been really bright the past few days, hence the short description, and it's almost like I can't open my eyes against the harsh glare of the day. I shudder to think of what happens to vampires when they're exposed to sunlight. I wish they existed though, and that I was one. Vampires are so...graceful. Mysterious. Dark. Elegant.

And fake.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010