i look in your direction, but you pay me no attention
written: 4:43 p.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 20, 2002

Jesus fucking christ! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Are you? Last chance to involve a special person in my bloody plans? I don't read horoscopes or take them seriously, but this one is a tad worrying. It's not supposed to happen until a month later! I'm supposed to get this horoscope the week I decide to do it! Why now? Why this week? I haven't got my prophetic dream yet. I haven't decided upon anything either. I still don't know what the hell to do!

Self, you need to calm down. Take a deep breath. *inhales* Now let it out, slowly. *exhales* How do you feel now?

FUCKING FRANTIC, THAT'S HOW!

Anyway. Took a disastrous Geography test on wet rice cultivation. For a 7-mark question on the process of wet rice cultivation, I wrote, "Rice seeds are planted by broadcasting. It is harvested by flooding the fields." I scribbled that at the very last minute, and when my mind caught up with my hand, I started to laugh, and not in a jovial way either. It was like, "Huh. Huh huh. Huh huh huh."

I sat beside Cheryl, and I'd occasionally flit my gaze to her paper to see what kind of shit she's writing. And she wrote so much! I was completely panicking inside. I thought she studied, but it turned out she had a goddamned cheat sheet. I knew the question beforehand too, but I was too lazy to actually do anything about it. Cheryl copied out the answers during recess, but I was so hungry.

Talk about this being so unfair! Truth be told, however, I could really care less, because my Elementary Maths test went all right. This is the first test in years that I completed, i.e. I answered every question and every sub-question, and I had time leftover to stare out of the window. That does not mean, however, that I'd licked it, 'cause hello, it's ma-the-ma-tics! Enough said, you know?

This is what I think I'm going to say to him: Hi. I think you're cute. I'd like to get to know you.

This was suggested by Jeff, the guy who emailed me about my Rebel review and offered to send me his James Dean cloth. I think it's a great idea. I mean, honest and direct. What could be better than that?

Truth be told, amidst my crazy day-dreamings, I have found myself thinking up things to say that would impress him, until I remembered I have to be myself. I have heard of stories of girls who change themselves in order to get close to the guy that they like, and I have seriously laughed at them and their stupidity, until now. It's easy to laugh when you are on the sidelines looking in, and not actually feeling any of this crazy crush crap, but when it's happen to you, laughing wouldn't even cross your mind. I used to think it's easy to be yourself around a member of the opposite sex that you like, but it's not. I don't know if what I say or do is going to embarrass me, or if he'd take to the person that I am. I know they say he ain't worth it if doesn't like who you are, but I don't suppose they have actually experienced this kind of insane and kooky infatuation that completely dominates your mind when you have nothing better to think about. I don't suppose so, because I used to be one of "them".

Now that I have Gem to go crazy over, all my insecurities are starting to come back. I was a total geek when I was 12 and 13. Not that the caterpillar has turned into a butterfly, but she's almost there. I have learned to not give a shit about the fact that I wear glasses, because it's not even all that important anymore. I have learned to forget that I'm really not the most drop-dead gorgeous girl in this place (though I can certainly enter the Miss Singapore Universe contest thingy, if I were a bit taller and older, judging by how plain the contestants are), and my looks and the way I carry myself have stopped bothering me. You could even say I walk with a lot more confidence than I used to, that I actually feel.

Because I have attended an all-girls school for ten years, I don't know how to deal with members of the opposite sex. My first date, if you could call it that, was in December 1999, and that was it. I realise it's dismal, which is why it's beginning to bug me. I'm almost 16, and I am still so 12-year-old around boys. I mean, what the hell, okay? It has finally hit me how incredibly sheltered and without a life I have been for the past few years. I don't know if it's fair to blame it on my parents, because after all, the paternal figure is the one that gets all testy and freaked out and stupid shit like that when I happen to receive a call from a male.

But I don't know. Seriously. I like Gem. I like him a lot, and it's not my problem if you decide to be an arse and counter that I only like his face, because I'd rather hold on to my delusions, thank you very much. I want to talk to him and get to know him, and all that shit, but I really...I really can't go up to a totally drop-dead gorgeous guy and say, "Hi, you're cute, can we be friends?" And of course, let's not forget the point that I am shy, awkward and insecure. If I act like a complete doofus in front of him, why would he say, "Okay, let's do it"? Forget about being intelligent, or smart, or whatever, because it's a shallow world, and I am perfect proof of it. I'm the one who's all ga-ga and obsessive (somewhat) over some guy, simply because he's good-looking. If that's not being superficial, I don't know what is.

But if he turned out to be a complete asshole, I'd forget him in a nanosecond.

Which is why I need to find out. Do you understand? I have never in my entire life seen anyone as good-looking as he is (in Singapore, that is, because I love Joaquin), and I can't stop thinking about him, so I need to do something about it, right? They say 'trust your instincts', but I can't differentiate instincts from reasoning anymore. I'm indecisive and am constantly second-guessing myself, and since it's quite apparent that I'm never going to get that prophetic dream that is supposed to be one of those love-like ones with him as the guy, help me make up my mind. Please? I hardly ask for favours, now do I?

Sign guestbook, leave note, email, whatever, just tell me what to do.

"I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention. You know how much I need ya, but you don't even see me." - "Shiver" by Coldplay.

(When I told my mom that song is my favourite song of the moment and recited the lines as written in the short description box, she told me I was insane.)

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010