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i'm just a kid, okay?
written: 4:47 p.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 06, 2002

I got sent out of Chinese today because I haven't done my Chinese essay. Everyone else got back their Chinese test, but the teacher refused to give it to me until I've handed in the blasted essay. It's not like I wouldn't do it anyway, I would. I always hand up my Chinese stuff, it's just this one time that I've taken so long to write, because I've thought of something introspective to write about based on one of my childhood photographs, but since it's in Chinese, obviously I need time. But that's not what I wanted to complain about. Standing outside wasn't all that bad, because there were two other classmates with me. At first it was okay, even kind of swell. I was there, laughing and talking with them, while everyone else was IN the freaking classroom, boring their butts off with Chinese. After a while though I began to get bored. And when I get bored, the mind starts wandering and working twice as hard, and hence starts to torture me with its bullshit. I began to think about all the horrible things that have happened, is happening and/or will happen to me, and I found myself on the verge of sinking and drowning in them. It happens a lot, and sometimes I struggle to stay afloat, sometimes I simply couldn't give a toss. But even as I struggle, I swallow huge gulps of water that inevitably fill my lungs til I begin to choke. And as much as I'd like to, I can't get myself back.

And as if that's not bad enough. The teacher made me wipe the freaking windows. Again. It's always me, and I'm sick of it. Fucking classroom. Like I care whether it's clean or not.

I feel bad for my brother sometimes. He's 12 this year, and 12-year-olds (or actually, Primary Six-ers) take this fucked-up examination in October that would, in a way, determine their futures. My brother was quite good in Maths before, but for his test he got a 57%. Not good. Dad was very mad that other day, and amidst his angry yelling, he made this comment that went something like, "Your sister [me] wasn't half as shit as you when she was in Primary school!"

He said it in Mandarin of course, and he didn't say the Mandarin word for "shit" (which, in my opinion, sounds so much funnier than "shit"). But the meaning is somewhat there. And the thing is, he's right. I scored 70-ish for Maths in primary school, and already it was bad. I remember this one time in Primary Two when I got like, 70 or whatever for a Maths test. My mom was so, so, so mad that she pinched me on my thigh. It was so hard that, you know, it left an ugly blue-black imprint there for weeks. As shit as I was, and still am, at Mathematics, I never really made a habit of getting below 70. Same went for Chinese and English, though I can't remember Science. My English really sucked when I was in lower Primary. I came to Singapore when I was about 7 and officially started learning English then. And you know how kids always get 90% or better for English in Primary One and Two? I got 88% or lousier.

But obviously, it's becoming better. But I digress. I really digress. I realise I'm kind of overshadowing my little bro when it comes to academic shit, but honestly, it's not like I want to do it. I think he feels it too, because he said one fine day that he wants to get a 249/300 for his PSLE (the fucked-up exam). 249, because I got 248. You know, if this want to do better than me for his studies could actually propel him to study, I really wouldn't mind. Truth be told, his English sucks. I typed out his composition yesterday and I couldn't stop laughing. I know it's mean, but he doesn't even care. His starting was actually pretty good, but as he progessed, the compo turned to shit. And the reader could so tell. He isn't detailed, his use of languauge is awful, and his punctuation makes me wonder how he managed to pass English all these years. The point is, he doesn't work towards whatever it is he's wanting to achieve. Like, to score better than me or whatever.

It should be really easy, because come on, my grades suck. And I found out a few days ago that instead of the usual end-of-term report card that would contain all the test marks, I'll be getting a damn result slip this time. The twist here is, it would not only state the marks you receive out of a total marks (or whatever), it would show where you rank among the entire level. Not good. So not good. Especially since I only got a 105/150 for English. My stupid diagnostic test, which I failed for, pulled my entire grade down. It SUCKS, okay? I'm only good at English, and because of one miserable, lousy test, I'm getting a mere 70%. It's not even a fucking A1. And since the rest of my subjects would be ranked middle or lower, I was really counting on English to be one of the tops.

To resort to a common and stupid cliche: Life sucks.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010