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you can only find yourself
written: 8:07 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 24, 2002

Does anyone in this world truly know who they are? Couple of weeks or so back during my ECA, the teacher gave us a set of "deep" questions and we were supposed to answer them in a group. My question was, "Would I rather be someplace else? Why?" I said yes, because I don't like Singapore, next question please. Then the teacher came over and asked us to share our answers with her. When it was my turn, I was off about how unexciting Singapore is (for it is), and how I wish to get out of the country and live somewhere else for a few years to experience a different life. Because I cannot see myself settling into a dull 9 to 5 job that Singaporeans seem to be stuck with...you go to work, you come home, get pissed off by your family, go to bed, wake up, go to work...it's the same thing all the time. I can't do that. I don't know what I want, but what I do know is, it's not that.

But anyway, another question was, "Who am I?" Like, how deep, no? (One was "What is the meaning of life?") My teacher likes to talk a lot, so she was sharing with the entire society, like, nobody really knows their true self, etc. I think it's true. 'Cause...do I know who I am? Yes, I know my name, I can write it, I can spell it, I can spell it in Chinese. But that's simply the surface stuff. If you ask me to give you a detailed description of the person I truly am, I think I'd score a zero. But it's okay, because it doesn't really matter. I think I believe in reincarnation, though I'm mainly undecided (definitely do not believe in the traditional concept of heaven and hell, or of creation, etc). 'Cause if we really enter after lives, then we've got an entire lifetime to discover our true selves.

Just a side note: I like pain. Physical pain. You know when you scratch your arm, like you dig your fingernails into your skin really hard and scratch? I love that tingling feeling on the skin. Perhaps it's fucked up, but I love it. It's strangely comforting, numbing. I wouldn't cut though, I'm scared of knives. But then, I say that now...

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010