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i want to smash
written: 10:22 p.m. on Saturday, Apr. 06, 2002

I'm so so so so so so so amazingly tired. I can't believe I still have tuition tomorrow morning. This entire day has just been wicked, and I mean that in the negative sense. The Sport's Day was actually decent, but that's only because me, Yunnie, and The Athlete spent the entire thing laughing at people. We were up at the roof garden, and we were watching the relays, and the girl from my house (the entire school is divided in four "houses", aka groups: red, green, yellow, blue; I'm in red) was running really slow, so I yelled, "Run faster you idiot!" I had a lot of energy to spare. I was laughing and yelling and screaming and laughing. It was kind of fun. But it wasn't part of the actual programme. So the thing is, if I did sit at the spectator's stand with the rest of the Reds, I think I would be bored and pissed off shitless.

Well, anyway. I saw Gem today. Yay, right? Not really. First, I was so hungry, I actually felt dizzy. The meet ended at 8, and I didn't have anything from 1 p.m. til like, 9 something, when my food arrived. My stomach was already hurting. Not growling or whatever, but hurting. I didn't feel the least bit hungry, but I had to eat, right? The pasta I ordered was strange. It had some kind of garlic oil that looked disgusting. Seriously. Couldn't finish food. Also. My water took FOREVER to arrive. The place was busy and all, but my throat was parched, and I was complaining so loud I bet the family beside me could hear me. They must think I'm some spoilt brat. Sometimes, I'm inclined to think that too.

Anyway. Gem has a definite mole on his neck, and it's so so so so so bloody sexy. The way he wears his pants? God, he leaves it hanging halfway off his arse, like, I don't know, I don't suppose it covers his tummy. I think he got a haircut 'cause his hair looked different from behind, but of course, I can't be sure. Wouldn't it be awfully scary if I knew for sure? I didn't see him a lot, as I was sitting in the air-conditioned part of the restaurant. It has air-coned and non air-con, and for some reason, he's always out at the non air-con area. And like I said, I was dizzy and tired and annoyed, so I rested my head on the table. When I looked up a while later and started looking around, I couldn't find him. It was like, where the fuck are you? More time passed, and then I saw him coming out of this door behind the counter or whatever you call it. He came around to the front, and then he had a backpack slung over his shoulder. He left so early! I don't think I'd eaten even 10 strands of spaghetti when he left!

All I can say is, bloody hell. It pretty much sums everything up. Bloody hell. I saw my ex-classmate Clara. I didn't know she was behind me all the time, as she sat outside, and I sat very close to the glass wall thingy. I don't know what you call it.

But bloody hell. I can't explain it. Just bloody hell. I have it bad for the guy, you know? I went in, saw him, and stopped short, and this silly smile just spread over my face, and I went, "Oh my god." My heart stops beating for a few seconds whenever I see him. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't stop wanting to see him again, I can't stop writing all the stupid poems, and it's really stressing me out. And seeing him made me second guess myself all over again. My decision to do something about this dumb infatuation seems so stupid, because truth be told, I don't have that kind of confidence. It doesn't matter how I look or anything stupid like that. The fact is, I have never approached anyone, male or female, on my own accord. I really want to do it, but I can't trust myself to not make a fool out of me if/when I do it. I'm really at a loss here, and it's back to square one again. What the fuck do I do?

To top it all off, I'm having a slightly sore throat from all that yelling. Add that to the fact that I was already sick, and you get a very very bad throat. It sucks, I tell you. Just sucks.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010