why wouldn't you go away?
written: 9:37 p.m. on Sunday, Jun. 29, 2003

I'm not interested in anything right now.

Still haven't touched the unfinished homework. And I'm suddenly reminded of an unofficial rule I've had with myself since Secondary Two (best known as the year I sat by the sidelines and watched everything flow into the drain with a smile on my face, hands in my pockets): Never hand in homework on the first day of school.

Why? Because... because Yelen isn't bothered to do her homework. Yelen is too lazy to. Yelen is too apathetic to.

It's just her fucking nature. No antidote.

Don't even think about it.

**

I watched you. That day.
I watched you fall into the raging river.
Watched you struggle.
Your arms, flailing about. Your breathing, short desperate gasps.
Your eyes, round and wide, fear personified.

I knew you wanted to live. I knew you wanted your life back.
It was so obvious. So painfully blatant.
You wouldn't have fought so hard if you truly wanted to die.

I was on the bridge. A few hundred metres up from where you were.
Struggling. Choking. Spluttering.
DROWNING.

And I discovered the beauty of life.

The meaning of life.

We have choices, my dear friend. Every single one of us.
Fate doesn't control us. We control fate.
We have free will. Despite Shakespeare, we are in control.

I relish this sense of power. It's thrilling, enthralling, like a sexual rush of blood to the head.
Choices. Fate.

All in my hands.

And I chose to let you drown.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010