a drop of golden sun
written: 8:28 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 07, 2003

It's not an easy decision. For one, we don't talk on the phone. For another, my phone is a piece of shit and it's quite noisy. Not only that, what if I get him into trouble?

And more importantly, what if he's sleeping? He's always sleeping anyway, that pig.

I'm home alone right now, and am really lonely, a bit paranoid, and I was talking to Mel just now on the phone and it was great. Sure took my mind off being home alone.

It's been quite a while since I was last alone at home at night so don't blame me for my lameness, okay? So yeah, I'm a little nervous. Can you blame me though?

Do I really have to state what I'm nervous about? Well, I ain't gonna. I still value my pride and dignity.

My Taiwanese grandparents are here for two weeks, living at my humble adobe and it feels a bit weird. Then again, I'd be in school so much that I wouldn't even notice the difference. And I'm supposed to be studying for my promos right now but I just haven't got the mood.

Oh dammit. Same old story again. I'm so sick of singing the same tune everytime the exam period approaches.

And I'm considering doing Sociology in the university instead of creative writing or Literature or whatever. Can't believe I'm saying this but yes, world, I give in, it's more practical, I think. And sociology sounds pretty interesting. Besides, I'm losing faith in my writing so I don't think my so-called craft can take me far. "I'm a genius" is mere lip-service for "I am a nothing parading as a something so ignore everything that I say", and that is the truth.

So don't believe me when I go off about me being a genius, because I'm obviously not one.

I'm currently reading one of my older diaries, written between February '02 to like, April '02. They are very different from the junk on this site and it's made me realise how bloody much I have changed. I'm so cynical that I've forgotten that I believed in love and longed to be in a relationship. I was 15, I was in a girls' school and I was into American pop culture which glorifies boy-girl relationships and kissing and sex. More importantly, I was bloody idealistic, and even more bloodily inexperienced.

Man, I find it hard to believe now that I was so obsessed over a guy that I never knew and upon knowing him readily entered a so-called 'relationship' where I was blindfolded half the time, clueless most of the time and all the time thinking that I knew what I was doing.

Sometimes I wish that I'd listened to my mom, so that maybe I could've preserved my virginity in its entirety, but other times, I'm glad that I did what I did, 'cause it's made me see what kind of slime bag I don't want and really useful things like that.

And when I start waxing philosophical about the past, you recognise that I have nothing better to say.

Not calling him anymore. His dad is using the phone. MSN would have to do.

Damn, and I was really looking forward to talking...

I'll just say this and forget that I said it: I really miss him.

He induces Chinese poetry in me. I like that.

(Translation: Because of him, I'm writing Chinese poetry, or at least what I hope resembles Chinese poetry.)

Gonna give him my full attention now.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010