i'm shit with titles.
written: 9:25 p.m. on Monday, Jul. 25, 2005

I'm falling asleep. Got home an hour ago from NUS then Jurong Point. My matriculation card is hideous. Horrible, horrible photo. I don't even look like myself. My eyes look like they're on the verge of being glued together; I look like I'm wearing a freaking wig, and there's this weird shine on my upper lip that makes me look like I have something on my mouth. GROSS, in other words. I was with Ruishan during matriculation and the both of us were going nuts over how we hated our own photos, like really funny stuff. I personally don't think hers is as bad as she thinks it is; it's actually pretty nice, if you want my honest opinion. Definitely does not look like an obituary photo.

I have weird friends, I know. Which is precisely why I'm friends with them. Wow, I just received a reply from Claire, my Liverpool mate (who is totally weird and freaking crazy and we used to write 14-page emails to each other; we still do, as a matter of fact), which is damn fast considering I wrote my reply yesterday. Fun times. I'm incoherent because I am sleepy.

I should just junk this stupid entry but I insist on polluting the Internet [insert equivalent of 'radio airwaves' here 'cause my sluggish brains can't think of what it is] with my badly-written crap because I am narcissistic and obdurate like that. So anyway, matriculation was surprisingly fuss-free and short. I was wondering why I needed an hour to get a student card and submit a few forms, two activities which were over in like, 5 minutes. The rest of the time was spent with Ruishan, and Magdelene too, for a bit, both of whom got spankin' new laptops from the laptop fair. (Brother is ANNOYING. Keeps knocking on my door even after I locked it 'cause he kept coming in and throwing my beloved Small Cow around, dammit. I hate it when people disturb me when I'm trying to write.)

I love Acer because it is Taiwanese, because my laptop is Acer and it totally rocks - save for the part where it's infected with screwed up viruses but that's my fault 'cause I'm too lazy to do virus scans. HA, HA, HA. But seriously, I have this retarded Microsoft Anti-Spyware useless shit that always detects the same damn virus without fail, that stupid EliteBar nonsense that I've deleted like ten trillion times to date. Microsoft is pretty shit, to be honest. I should stop using Internet Explorer but I can't live without coloured scrollbars. They're just so pretty! I hate destroying and wrecking a layout with the plain, fugly default ones.

Side note: If the insipid "bling bling" can make it into the dictionary, then the word 'fugly' deserves an entry too. The former is so stupid that I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but then again, I am allergic to American hip-hop because most of it demeans women; because they all sound the same and are hence pointless and formulaic; because the best rapper out there is probably Eminem and he's not even black; and because it's crap. But 'fugly' came into existence for me when Pei started using it last year, and it was way before Mel, Pei and I watched Mean Girls together. That was fun. Fun times at JJC. I hated JJC but I had great fun with my friends. I love my friends. I'm so gonna miss them when school starts.

ARGH BROTHER IS DOING IT AGAIN!!! Grr I'm so gonna go disturb him back when I'm done with this. Okay so it may sound like we're always at loggerheads, which is true, but that's how we communicate. My relationship with my bro is pretty dysfunctional too but hell, I like it this way so whatever.

ANYWAY, I was trying to get out of NUS 'cause I had to be somewhere at a certain time, but getting out proved to be quite a cumbersome affair. First, I had to wait like 8 minutes before I could go up to the second level - which wasn't even what I wanted to do, but since that was where people exited, and since the entrance was supposedly blocked, what the hell. Found Ruishan after a while (she was settling some laptop problem and disappeared for a few) and we went up together, hoping to split ASAP but we were ushered into this dimmed portion of the second-level sports hall that was partitioned (off?) from the rest of the hall where they were screening a video. After sitting down and watching like ten seconds of the vid (they emulated the Jennifer Aniston beer ad with that Happy Together song by The Turtles if memory serves which I heard first on "Adaptation" and loved so imagine my fury when I found out that people were jumping on the bandwagon when that Jen A. ad came to Singapore and I'm talking shit pardon me) Ruishan suddenly realised that she forgot to submit her medical records. So we quickly got up, told the senior students our predicament and finally persuaded them to let us go.

Had to race through the CCA fair. Shit, I wanted to spend more time there but was in a hurry so took some random flyers and left really quickly. It meandered all over the place, was hot and stuffy, smelled funny, and I signed up for Law orientation week. I think I should make more effort to be more sociable...or rather, to be sociable, period, because 'more' implies that I am already sociable which isn't true. Uh, the word 'misrepresentation' is floating around in my brain but I'm too sluggish to attempt to string it into a proper sentence so I will leave it at that.

I signed up for orientation week. Beach Bash. Should I go? What is it about anyway? Ah, crap. Must make new friends! Must not be anti-social! Must have vibrant uni life!

Oh yeah I must ask Mel to join the NUS Literary Society with me. Wahoo. I'm so gonna miss Lit you know. As pointless as it was in secondary school, as disillusioned as I became in JC (all thanks to the Bulldog and her fucked up Paper 8 non-lessons, no offence to fans of hers), it's still pretty much the only thing that still manages to diminish my cynical outlook on life once in a while, that snaps me out of my Life Is Freaking Pointless lethargy. Reason to live and breathe.

Still scared about going back to school but after today, not as much anymore. Ruishan seemed to know quite a number of people - definitely more than me, for damn sure. I know like a grand total of three people, plus about three others from St. Nicks whom I'm not very closed to. I felt so out of place, weird, totally naked, when I first got there. I escaped by hitting the toilet (okay I needed to pee as well), then by messaging Clarence, then by calling Ruishan, followed by Mel. Was so glad to see her in the Sports hall. We hugged and screamed and received a dirty look from the guard but who cares about the guard! Have to hang out with her before school starts.

God, what the hell, I'm back-tracking! Okay where was I? Right, was trying to get out of NUS. Uh, so we got out, got on the bus, got a seat, bus was freaking crowded so luckily we got a seat or else I would've been super pissed off, reached Buona Vista, Ruishan and I parted ways, and I headed to Boon Lay.

Why was I going to Boon Lay? Ah, Jurong Point! Oh, the memories, the nostalgia! The khaki, the PLEATS! God I miss the khaki and the pleats...yeah right. Whatever.

Anyway, yeah I met Clarence there, was freaking cool, I had to leave damn early 'cause any later and my dad will never speak to me again. Or rather, he'd yell at me first, then Cold War me for the rest of my life, hence making it an unbearable living hell. I fervently dislike how he thinks I'm too young to go out with guys, that I should "keep my options open" yadayadafuckblah I can't be the least bit bothered with his truthfully-silly prejudice and fan gan (Chinese for noun form of 'averse' can't think of it right now too lazy to check) towards certain types of guys. WHATEVER DAD HONESTLY. I love him and everything, I only left JP at 7.30 because I didn't want to get into a huge confrontation with him, but a line has to be drawn somewhere. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, why he doesn't trust my judgement, why he still thinks that I'm six years old. It's frustrating. I don't want to sneak around and be all, "Oh I'm hanging out with Mel/[insert name of female friend]!" when I go out with Clarence, 'cause that's just totally Sec 4-ish and I'm supposed to have left that behind three years ago. GOD why are dads so frustrating and stubborn and so full of themselves? What's the big deal with guys with pierced ears anyway, apart from the obvious fact that it's fucking hot? Mom was like, Guys shouldn't pierce their ears since I (Mom, and me too) don't pierce, but that is just so sexist and since when did MY action dictate what another person can or cannot do? At least Mom is being more understanding about this, unlike DAD who's all, "No you can't see him, why are you hanging out with him all the time, you're NOT to date him blah blah fuck blah WHATEVER." I would attempt to have a mature conversation with him but I think it will only backfire heavily because 1) My Chinese is so bad that there's no way in hell I can effectively communicate what I want to say to him; and 2) even if my Chinese is of Ma Ying-jeou's standard my dad will be so caught up in his conviction that He Is Always Right that whatever I say will only translate to Rebellion in his insular, traditionally Chinese mind that refuses to see things from a point of view other than his when it comes to his precious daughter and his precious daughter dating guys.

I just want to tear my hair out right now, thinking about this. I was genuinely hoping that my dad could accept it because it's important to me that he does...but I guess I was too stupid and naive to think that. It's certainly not the first time knowing him. He's been like that since time immemorial; I shouldn't be too surprised.

I'm only mildly surprised, to be honest; I'm more disappointed than anything else. Before, it was, You can only date when you're in uni. Of course, I didn't listen; nobody sane and normal would listen to that kind of dribble. But now I'm a week away from uni and he's all, you're still too young to date. It's insane, I swear, it's totally insane. I don't get it. Parents are so contradictory. They want you to get married before 30 and freak out when you're not married at 30 but they don't let you date? Huh? What the hell is 'too young'? It's not like I'm going around sleeping with guys, and it's definitely not like it's going to affect my school work or anything like that. I'm not 16 anymore and this is not the O Levels and its dreary, numbing banality and obvious pointlessness. I got this far and like hell I'm gonna screw up. They should at least trust that, you know? My belief in nothing else but my own strength, how I go psycho trying to top everyone else and get nothing but the best grades, hello they saw it in action during the A Levels!

God this is so stupid. I'm trying to be patient about this by reminding myself of how much I genuinely love my dad...but it gets a bit out of hand at times. He's difficult to talk sense to; even my mom can't do it.

Oh well, anyway. Back to what I was saying before I went off on that huge rant. I met Clarence at Jurong Point.

And that's all I'm gonna say. Details will go into my diary. Bwahahahahaha.

Some things are too private for public consumption. Especially when his friends have access to this. Especially when one of those friends is Ben. Haha!

Okay just a bit: he got his ears pierced, I freaked out and looked away, I marvelled over how he didn't flinch (told me later he was acting cool), we had dinner at Mos Burger, saw his cousin Nicholas whom I relief-taught in JJC, I didn't recognise him 'cause his hair changed and he was a bit darker, then I left. Hell I didn't even want to leave. That's my price for being honest; if I'd said that I was hanging with Ruishan I could've gone home at 11 and my dad wouldn't even say anything. Annoying annoying annoying.

Felt damn good writing this entry and it's getting late and I need to pee and to shower so I think this shall be it.

Was there something which I wanted to say?

Oh yeah. Clarence is hot. (Just to make him happy. And because he really is.)

Okay, I'm done.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010