i'd confront the stars tonight.
written: 2:44 p.m. on Saturday, Apr. 22, 2006

It's funny, too, how quickly times flies by you, so that it catches you off guard and you're only aware of how much time you've wasted until you realise that it's been three-hundred-and-sixty-five days and you're still stuck in the same place, facing the same brick wall, still thinking the same thoughts. To any other person it'd be a sign that you have to make some changes to your life; but to the indecisive and the afraid, it seems better to just stand idly by and continue to pretend to live like this.

It's scary how little control we really have. I reject religion because I believe (believed?) that we are masters of our own fate; but the truth is, more often than not the masters that we are supposed to be wear a leash around their necks and let external factors yank them around. So much for free will. Most of us are resigned to our fates, a few of us have the will and tenacity to fight back, and then there are some who are simply bogged down by other obligations, because selflessness begins when adolescence ends and there's still filial piety which will never go out of fashion. I suppose it's about weighing all these different factors, making a pros-and-cons list, prioritising; but I'm the same person who spends hours on a meaningless website days before her exams when she still has 70% of her work left untouched.

I never thought I'd still be here, like this, right now. I used to say, "When I'm 18 I'd be in New York City." I was 16 and full of anticipation for the awesome things the future would have in store for me. I was 16 and already I was sick of everything around me, convinced that there had to be a world outside this insulated cocoon that doesn't let anyone else in. I'm just so tired of being clean, of trying to fight back the tears and suppress the Self that is dying to break free inside.

When the shit finally hits the fan you really do not want to be left with nothing but the bitter taste of regret, perpetually staining the back of your throat.

But it isn't about what you want, is it?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010