i can't sleep; hence this entry.
written: 2:02 a.m. on Friday, Aug. 18, 2006

It's been like this since forever. Since junior college. Possibly since secondary school. Post-junior college. And now. Someone in Jurong told me that the guys there found me scary; I can't remember if he was referring to Arts guys, Science guys, or both. But hey, that's not material, is it? Because the salient point of this piece of information is that people found me scary/cold/unfriendly/whatever. That's the first impression people have of me, and I never quite got it. People who actually bother to get to know me will probably be quick to contradict that assumption, because I can be nice, and for the most part, I am nice. I'm one of those retarded, gullible people that freely give out loose change to any legless/armless/crippled/whatever old person lying in the middle of a crowded night market, begging for money. I would (and will - or rather, have) buy a cheap-looking bracelet with beads made of plastic for an old woman for 10 bucks because she doesn't have 5 bucks on her to return to me. In fact, I think I am quite a softie at heart in many ways.

I don't know if I'm bothered by this common misconception that too many people have of me. Granted, sometimes I do go out of my way to not acknowledge other people, and there are times during which I'm genuinely annoyed and it shows very plainly on my face, body language, muffled words uttered in irritation under my breath. I'm also not the type to say hello to a face I recognise if I've never spoken to the person before; and even if I have exchanged a few polite words with him/her, I won't make the first move to greet him/her. It's just not me - not in my nature, not what I do, not what I'm comfortable with.

But still. Barring the time I spend in law school, in crowded places, on jam-packed MRT trains/buses, walking down Orchard Road trying to get somewhere fast but being hampered by the person in front of me who's walking so damn slowly, most of the time I'm...

Okay, fine. I give. Most of the time I'm unfriendly, cold and unapproachable. I guess I'm not programmed to even try to be Little Miss Sunshine.

Am I bothered, though? I don't know. Sometimes. Depends on who's forming that impression.

I mean, it would suck if a cute, rich, and smart guy wants to get to know me but is afraid to just because he thinks I'm unfriendly, cold and unapproachable. Of course, the probabilitiy of a cute, rich, and smart guy ever wanting to get to know me is dangerously close to zero, but I'm sure you get my point.

Oh well, c'est la vie.

(That's probably the most overused, cliche French phrase ever.)

Defensivenss is a knee-jerk reaction for me. For once, I think I have erected way too many walls around myself.

**

I'm still quite bothered by something that's really nothing and it's really insignificant, or rather it should be insignificant, but I can't stop thinking about it anyway. I need this month to be over so that I can get my sanity back.

If I don't get my sanity back by next month, I really don't know what I'd do. This is bothering me a lot more than I'd thought it would.

**

I'm thinking about how much it'd suck if all my friends went for exchange next year, leaving me all by myself in law school to fend for myself. Yeah, that'd be totally depressing.

So I should try to go for exchange, eh? But I need, like, references and none of the lecturers/tutors know me. I mean, they know me, but they don't know me. Like, they don't know me the way my junior college tutors did - my strengths, my weaknesses, my personality. Nobody really does in law school, to be quite frank.

I'm quite content being a background extra, because I still don't care and I don't think I ever will.

**

It's amazing that a week of school is over already I haven't yet set foot in the library.

On second thoughts, I don't even know where the hell it is. I mean sure my mom drives past it every morning while driving to my drop-off point, but uh, I'm directions-challenged and I have no idea where everything is and that includes the venerable, all-important CJ Koh Library.

Whatev.

I like the campus and I don't like the campus. I like the fact that it's super cold, but I always forget to bring my jacket. And I've never liked bringing an extra, sometimes heavy piece of clothing. But I like the temperature anyway; suits my cold-bloodedness. Ha, ha.

I don't like the cafeteria/canteen/pseudo-food court because it stinks. It stinks because it's air-conditioned. And it's freaking small. And a week of school is over and I haven't eaten anything from the canteen save a dou sha bao (which sucked to high heavens but I've never liked dou sha) and two cups of iced milk tea. I especially hate the fact that the "Starbucks-like cafe" mentioned in the BTC guide thing won't be ready until ten million years later, because sometimes I really need coffee and I don't like vending machines and coffee shop coffee. At least the milk tea tastes good, which is not something I can say with a straight face for the milk tea in the Arts and Business canteens back in Kent Ridge.

I like the location because it's so near Orchard and whatever. But I'm already tired - extremely tired - of taking fucking 171 and going down that same long-ass, seemingly-endless road called Bukit Timah Road. Even before school started I stopped taking the bus home from town and chose the MRT instead because I couldn't stand the thought of being stuck in a bus, going down that same damn road every single time. It's crazy. And the buses I take from school literally don't make ANY turns until after I get off at my stop; for twenty minutes they just go straight straight straight straight straight. The boredom, the stagnation, oh help me. That's how bloody long and straight and monotonous that road is and I'm bloody sick of it. I don't know why I'm complaining about this, but it's been getting on my nerves for quite a while now and I just felt like venting.

I like the newness of the place, despite it being an old-ass campus passed down from colonial times or whatever (not too fussed on the history, evidently), but I hate the on-going construction work. You'd think that they would start work earlier than April this year if they'd known since last year that the faculty is moving. It's annoying to walk to class and have one's ears massively assaulted by the construction noise. And it still stinks everywhere, for some reason. And the mailboxes are on the fourth floor. Who does that? And I just realised that there's no student counter. What the hell? And oh, very glaringly, THERE ARE NO BENCHES. NO. BENCHES. That's probably the worst thing about the new campus.

I'm not sentimental and so I won't wax sentimentality about the old Kent Ridge campus and how I had ten million fond memories there and how I miss it - because I don't. I don't miss it, I don't have ten million fond memories there, in fact on the contrary I have ten million unpleasant memories there, generally I don't care where I go to study as long as I'd get out of there in less than three years' time. Law @ Kent Ridge is not Jurong, will not be Jurong, can never be Jurong. Law will never be Jurong, period, and Jurong is the only place over which I go all sentimental.

Having said that, the benches at Kent Ridge were really quite useful. Back then, when I felt like reading a novel all I had to do was park myself at one of the benches and read. Now? I have to go to the canteen where it stinks of a mish-mash of cooked food which is disgusting, and the air-conditioning doesn't help dissipate the stench. When we had benches my friends and I could eat at the benches, away from the crowd, where we could actually hear ourselves talk. Now? The canteen is only place in which we can consume food. And that sucks.

BTC is in dire need of benches. And I need benches. Because benches are very important.

I'm so sleepy that my head is hurting and I can't think anymore.

I'm glad I don't have class today (Friday). I hope that my Friday tutorial will never start but obviously that won't happen. I'm so gonna do absolutely nothing over my first and possibly last three-day weekend of the semester.

I love decadence.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010