the endgame.
written: 10:19 a.m. on Thursday, Nov. 09, 2006

Time to start trawling the 'net for help forums.

After ten million years, I still love Dakota a lot a lot a lot. I have no idea why; I usually find my love for a single song waning after a few days. But whenever I think about the song, I get all happy. Hence, it really sucks that I've been getting Drops of Jupiter stuck in my head for the past few days (more specifically, the part that goes 'something something five-hour phone conversation, best soy latte you ever had and...me').

I should be studying now but I don't study in the morning, especially not after just waking up, hence this entry. And because I reached home too late to update yesterday.

Yesterday was awesome. I'm bummed more than ever now that Siming is in Business 'cause that means I don't get to see him and disturb him, ever. That's like SO sad, because he's so fun to disturb and talk to! The three of us (plus Agatha) were sitting in Food Republic, eating and drinking, and laughing a lot, and laughing very loudly, and talking, just like old times. Post-LAWR research binder crappy shit rubbish, Crystal Jade lunch then Coffee Bean at Holland Village, and that was really fun. And last night was like that, but better. Siming is such a hilarious dude; he was entertaining us with his embarrassing stories, of which he probably has more than ten million, including stories about his (past? Haha) love life. He's so...completely funny. And he made a shocking confession to which I was totally appalled and grossed out, but I think my reaction was stronger than it would have been if I weren't so high on caffeine last night.

Yes, I was high on caffeine last night, I realise that now. I had this medium-sized iced latte from Starbucks at around 4.30 in the afternoon, accompanied by the last chapter of Glenn's comparative legal traditions textbook (which was a great read). That lasted me a couple of hours, after which I happily walked into Esprit and bought a new top. Yayness. But anyway, the caffeine in the latte was pretty strong as it massively messed with my head, made me all oozy (don't ask; it just happens), but despite that, I bought an iced yuan yang (coffee + tea) after dinner. Hence, caffeine overdose. I haven't felt that high in a quite a while. You should've seen me in Siming's car; I think he was traumatised. I was all crazy and rambling non-stop and laughing like some crazy-ass psycho. I even told him a deep dark secret of mine that only, like, five (or six, kinda) people knew about, only because I told them about it. Lesson to be learnt? Too much caffeine is a really, really bad thing.

Actually, not really. Siming is trustworthy so all is good, and he gave me his take on that deep dark secret of mine, and I was quite surprised when it turned out he shared other people's opinions (is 'opinions' a word? Gosh my grammar sucks) on that deep dark secret, too. Quite interesting, it was.

Anyway, Siming drove me home which saved me the trouble of getting pissed off on public transport so all is good. And Mag also came to join us at 9-something, after her super long business at Cineleisure. I'm sure she was sufficiently entertained. Haha!

So, yesterday was a good day, despite everything else. I also had a nice chat with Simon when I got home, 'cause I needed to whine and bitch and moan about something quite retarded. I like talking to Simon; he's a very good listener and problem-solver. And sometimes, you really need a male perspective on things, so it's always good to have a good guy friend who's willing to put up with your childish, girly nonsense. I can count on one hand the number of people I'd whine to the way I whined to Simon last night, and obviously he's one of them. Here's to more great years of friendship, and don't hesitate to whine to me! I think I'm quite a good listener too. Well, kinda. I hope. Um, I don't know.

I still haven't started studying - like, at all. I'm still more interested in finishing my readings for the Chinese law thingy, which was covered in yesterday's lecture. This is so wrong. And it really pisses me off to no end that I'm reading about my own fucking tradition in English, from an ang moh point of view. Like, wha? And it pisses me off, too, that people don't use hanyu pinyin more, 'cause I don't know what the Chinese terms are when spelled in something that isn't pinyin. It's so irritating. I was trying to figure out what the hell 'chien jen' or whatever it was is in Chinese, but to no freaking avail. Damn, I can't stand this. But it's also the only excuse I have for bailing on studying and reading something I'm a lot more interested in instead, since it's technically "for school". Suffice it to say that everything I've read so far is completely new to me. I'm so ashamed of myself.

I consider myself Chinese first, a human being second, and Singaporean last. It gets me, every single time, when I realise how little I know about my own tradition and culture, and how brainwashed I've been by Western concepts. It's this eternal tug-of-war between the East and the West that's always going to exist within me, how I subscribe to certain values and beliefs without really making a conscious choice, because I've been indoctrinated by the media and the government and the education system to think that it's right, that anything that doesn't conform to these values are wrong or outdated, but that's too simple and life is never so simple, it's so much more complex than that, it's a question of who you are and why you are who you are, and right now I can honestly say that I'm what I am because I haven't thought about it at all. Why do I automatically, even instinctively, reject Society Above Self when it's a concept so deeply-rooted in my own culture? Why do I not question the validity of the universalism of human rights when it's essentially a Western concept? KW and I talked about this before and he was so right about everything, and I'm beginning to see that now. The more I know, the more I'm going to question, and I will gladly suffer an identity crisis all over again if it means knowing for sure that the values I hold on to for dear life are truly mine, and not the product of a schizophrenic country without an identity of its own.

I need to be more than just Singaporean. I need to be Chinese, once and for all.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010