don't stand so close to me.
written: 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday, Mar. 20, 2007

Cristina: [voiceover] In some ways, betrayal is inevitable. When our bodies betray us, surgery is often the key to recovery. When we betray each other, the path to recovery is less clear. We do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that was lost. And then there are some wounds, some betrayals, that are so deep, so profound that there is no way to repair what was lost. And when that happens, there's nothing left to do but wait.

Truer words have not been said.

I so totally heart Cristina Yang.

**

While we're on the subject of quotes from TV shows, this exchange between Weevil and Beaver is just so funny, although half the humour comes from the delivery. Still, this was one of the highlights of Season 2 for me, so yeah.

Veronica Mars 2-21, "Happy Go Lucky":

[Beaver is attempting to teach Weevil algebra. In exchange, Weevil will fix Beaver's car.]
Weevil: This is pointless.
Beaver: [sighs] Okay, look, so you know quadratic equations, right?
Weevil: Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?
Beaver: I'm just trying to see what you already know.
Weevil: Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.
Beaver: Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?
Weevil: Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.
Beaver: Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -
Weevil: If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.
Beaver: No, look... but what about my car?
Weevil: You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -
Mac: [from next table over] F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.
Weevil: Now can you teach me that?
Mac: You'll still fix his car?
Weevil: That's the deal.
Mac: Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... [Weevil glares] I'm just kidding.

**

This day has been pretty terrible. You know that feeling? Waking up against your will in the morning to the sound of your mom's impatient voice nagging at you to get up, then rising to a sharp crescendo yelling at you to hurry and spending the ride to school in stony silence; arriving early in school and visiting the toilet even though it was too early to pee just to pass the time; falling asleep in Trusts lecture even though you really wanted to pay attention and take down every single word that the lecturer utters because it's preferable to reading the textbook but you zonk out half an hour later and start surfing the net because if you don't you'll fall asleep; and leaving the seminar room feeling like the loser you perhaps are for being so utterly unable to keep awake.

And then there's Public Law which pisses you off, another tutorial in which nothing went on, the first tutorial in which you have your laptop and therefore the first tutorial spent on reading poetry online. Poetry is what you love but poetry doesn't help you pass your law school exams so yes, irrelevant much?

And then there's the whole trying to smile thing. There's also this trying not to cry thing. And once again you do the crying to yourself while trudging home thing, the crying on the bus thing. You don't cry in front of anyone anymore because what is the point? Besides, you don't even know why you're crying in the first place.

You'd chalk it down to PMS, except it'd be PMS that's two weeks early. So maybe not.

Exams are coming and you're still you. You thought you had a break through, and I guess to some extent you kind of did, I guess it's all relative and a matter of degree, but at the same time you know a part of you is still running away. Extraneous, external issues bogging you down, the loneliness you feel sometimes, how you really, really want a guy who's thoughtful and sweet, who'd surprise you with flowers and (non-fat) chocolates just because, who'd make the effort to scour through the Poetry section in the library/Borders/Kinokuniya even though he hates poetry looking for a poem like e. e. cummings' 'I Carry Your Heart' to give to you. You put on this tough, 'I don't give a damn' facade when deep down inside you're just like any other girl, wanting attention and love and a list of the things the guy likes about you.

But this is just empty talk. When push comes to shove, you're still too tired to get past your inertia, weariness, new-found phobia against undue, unwanted expectations.

Just - whatever.

You know, I really wish I were like Veronica Mars.

**

Anyway, ignore me. I'm just really moody today. And it doesn't help that I have Equity EVERY DAY this week, culminating in a horrid make-up lecture at 2 on Friday. I want to go out on Friday evening, dammit, but no one to go out with. Slit my wrists and bleed to death. Ugh.

I still want to be 18, you know. The promise and the potential and the drive, the unfettered heart, the undying confidence. Standing at the top of a mountain and looking down at everything beneath you, not afraid at all to fall.

18 was the only year since I started dating that I wasn't attached, or nearly attached. I nursed a huge, year-long crush on a teacher, yes, but that was about as far as it went. I don't even think I casually dated anyone then...or if I did, I'm sorry but I can't remember. I miss that, you know, I really do, sometimes. Simultaneously I don't know exactly what it is I miss, just some vague concept of being secure by yourself and not needing anyone and enjoying your own company without any need for reference to a third party to validate your purpose trust.

Growing up and complications come with the territory. People tell me to face up to reality but I'm so tired of fighting sometimes that there are times, more often than not, when all I want to do is to snuggle up in bed for the entire day and not think about anything. Just let go of everything, all my problems and worries and anxieties and internal conflicts, everything, and just have that one day where things are perfect and the sun is suitably bright and it rains a while later and I'm under the sheets, the air-conditioning switched on, listening to the soft patter of the rain against my window and smiling to myself and feeling at peace with the world.

I feel like I'm on the brink of a precipice. I want my life to leave me alone.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010