take me back to the start.
written: 11:23 p.m. on Friday, Mar. 23, 2007

L-R, clockwise:
The SN friends; Pearlyn and I; I was really testing my camera's exposure level (the flash is blindingly bright); the SN gang, once more; Shuting and I; that is Yun's hand in front of Pearlyn's peace sign.

No pictures with the birthday girl in my camera because there were a lot of people and we were the only ones from SN Sec 3/4 Justice 2001/2002, so yeah.

It strikes me suddenly that we're all turning 21. It's only March and already I've been to more birthday get-togethers than I ever have throughout my entire life. It's humbling, in a sense, a reluctant admittance that you're really growing up and leaving your prerogative to be irresponsible behind, as well as your blanket excuse for all the mistakes you've ever made and will go on to make. No more covering your ass with the flippant, "Oh, you know, I'm just a kid." Because you're not. Not anymore. Actions have consequences, you know? And one plus one doesn't always make two.

I don't want to grow up, still. Despite everything, despite my desire to be independent and to do my own thing, I don't want to grow up. It scares me, the choices I'd have to make after law school, the path I would take, the ones I would give up. I still want to hold on desperately and perhaps in futility to the dreams I once had because they were what defined me, all these years. Without them, I don't know who I am; I'm stranded, I really am, my anchor lost at sea. Waking up finally to a dream you've been having for the past twenty years and facing reality. It's scary - it's scary for everyone. It's especially for me and more than ever I wish I had my rock, my rationality, my reality check, my guidance and my guide.

I have to start relying on myself, for real. We all have all these grandiose impressions of who we are; we dress up our imperfections in our imaginations and present a glorified version of ourselves to the world. And this glorified self is the person we want to be; but it's not necessarily the person that we are.

I've said this before but it doesn't hurt to repeat it. I want to finally live up to the glorified version of myself I have in my head. Most of the time I'm falling short and I don't want that, not anymore.

Once and for all. It's do or die.

On the bright side, I still know that in true do or die situations, I somehow always manage not to die.

**

Last night was fun. Laughing with Yun and Pearlyn, and Celine and Shuting, was fun. It's walking down memory lane all over again, smiling contentedly and remembering all the crazy things we used to do. We went through it together and it's been...five years? It's been five years and we're still together, as if nothing has changed at all.

Of course, it's not true that nothing has changed. Some of us have changed, even fundamentally. We're going different places, growing in different directions. And yet, despite all our differences, somehow I just know that we'll meet up again after a long period of time and everything will simply fall back into place, making up for lost time, fitting into each other with ease, forming that perfect picture once more.

I don't say this enough, so I'll say this now: I love my friends. All of you. I'm nothing without you.

**

Sorry, feeling rather soppy tonight. I watched three episodes of Grey's Anatomy back-to-back and yeah, it's soapy and thus sentimental and yeah, it got me all weepy and stuff when George's father died.

I know everyone hates Izzie but I see a lot of myself in her. The way she gets emotionally involved with her patients - assuming I do the lawyer thing, assuming I do the criminal law thing, I can see myself doing the same: getting emotionally involved. How do you stay detached? I'm only this human, and so is she.

I met this guy last night at Limei's bash. He's her JC schoolmate and she introduced him to me 'cause he's coming in to law the next academic year. And you know what really struck me about him? His enthusiasm. His go-getter spirit, looking at the whole law school thing with such a clean, pure, unfettered view, being so totally on the up and up about everything.

Was I once like that too? Because he came and talked to me and one of my very first sentences to him was, "Why did you apply to law?" I said it in my usual "you must be fucking insane to want to put yourself through this abominable and torturous bullshit" sort of way, which he immediately picked up on. I don't know if I was too much of a downer for I certainly hope not, but all the same, I felt like such an asshole raining on his parade with my cynical and jaded comments about how shit LAWR is and whatever else.

And you know what the clincher is? I honestly do think that, in some vague, hazy sort of way, I was kind of like him too. Fresh A Level graduate, armed with straight A's, enthusiastic about my (seemingly) bright future. The acceptance letter from law and how I was all excited and proud, and happy, feeling like I achieved something for once in my life, something special and pretty great. And then starting school wanting to make it count, wanting to take my spirit from Jurong Junior with me, and then crashing and burning after the first week. What happened to me? The disillusionment set in so quickly, crashed head-first into me and I didn't even know what the hell hit me until the mild depression set in. What happened to me?

I'm done pointing fingers and shirking responsibility. I said before that the choices I make are my own, for better or for worse; and so this is my choice, for better or for worse, and it's going to be my choice for another two years. I used to do the whole bitch and moan and whine and wallow in misery thing, but I think I should start doing the whole bitch and moan and whine, then suck it up and move on thing. Be tough, you know? Be Veronica Mars. She doesn't sit around feeling sorry for herself; Logan does that. And he's like some emo ass now, which I so don't want to be. I still find it hard to muster up any enthusiasm for anything I do but I guess the cheery side is, I'm not actively disliking anymore, Public Law not included (as for LCS, it's been indifference since Day One).

What I'm really saying is, I like Equity. It's fun and THW rocks even though his lecture was long and confusing today and I had a migraine throughout and I almost died. I don't know what it is about THW actually, why he's kind of inspired (for want of a less sentimental word) me, in a very, very vague, hazy sort of way. He just...makes sense. And it helps that the course convenor is my tutor 'cause you kind of know what he's going to set for the exam. HAHAHA. So, yeah, I think he kicks ass.

**

Despite my 'don't give a damn' facade, I think I still seek approval from people. Feelings of inadequacy hit me every now and then when I feel like I don't measure up, in whatever ways, for whatever rhymes and reasons. It's obvious, isn't it? The irreducible core of who I am, of my existence, is still tainted with insecurity.

Gad, it's disgusting. I thought I was above this, but I guess I was wrong.

Maybe that explains the insane weight loss. I honestly don't know. I know why I embarked on it, to be sure, but I don't know why I'm so paranoid and afraid of gaining weight. And to be honest, I'd be lying if I said I don't like being able to fit into a size 0, and to be honest again, the only reason I've been bitching about my weight is because of the shrinking breasts. I think a girl without boobs is utterly unattractive and who doesn't want to be attractive? And yet, despite everything, I'm slightly freaked out when I eat something sugary, fattening, when I eat more than my usual two meals and a slice of bread for breakfast a day. (Disclaimer regarding the breakfast: Ever since forever, I've been eating like a slice of bread for breakfast. It's way too bloody early in the morning for food when I wake up to go to school. Seriously.)

I suppose there's something larger at work here, some deeply-hidden insecurity I'm not aware of. But the fucked up shit is, now I have a new insecurity: my increasingly non-existent boobs. Ugh. Talk about trading one evil for another. Why do girls covet fashion models? It's so incredibly silly. Unless you're a Victoria's Secret/whatever lingerie model, you're just...unattractive. So skinny, so breasts-less. What's hot about that? I think Kate Winslet is hot. Katherine Heigl is hot. Ellen Pompeo is pretty in an anorexic way, but she's not hot. Jennifer Garner is also hot.

Anyway, it's late and I've lost my plot and I'm tired, but before I conclude, here's a poem I came across recently and really bloody liked.

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

The forced nonchalance, casual and feigned indifference, speak to me a bit too personally for comfort.

Seriously, when I read poems like that, I'm just so awed by how amazing language is. Not just English, but language. I've been convinced since forever that it's not about the language with which I express myself; it's the fact that I'm able to express myself that matters. Even if I'd not come to Singapore and had stayed in Taipei I would still be writing - in Chinese. Language is a tool, and it's a fucking powerful, life-altering one. And this language I've acquired - the things some people do with it is mind-blowing. I'm honestly amazed every single time I read a poem that blows my mind and it's really things like that that make life worth it. It's not just a hobby, you know? It's a passion, a definitive one. And I'm sorry, Real World, but I just can't abandon it, no matter what.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010