nelsonian blindness amounting to dishonesty.
written: 11:47 p.m. on Saturday, Apr. 14, 2007

Crying helps ease the stress. That is, if you're right about why you suddenly stated crying out of nowhere while staring despondently at your Equity textbook and your crazy 31-page and counting liability of strangers notes on your laptop. You're probably right in pegging it as stress though.

Worst exam period ever.

Things would be much easier - I would be less inclined to care - I would not care, period - if only I'd bombed my assignments.

God, I'm such an idiot. In every sense of the word.

**

LCS is a fucking bitch and it was the reason I missed the Sylv!a L. Public Law lecture yesterday. We were stuck in the computer clusters for one whole hour formatting the stupid retarded Shareholder Agreement. What the fuck and irrelevant much? I'm just glad I'll never have to deal with LLT ever again.

I had dinner with Clarence last night. It was nice catching up with him after a year and a half of zero contact. I'm glad we talk easily and we should totally keep in touch and all.

Affirmation: I've really let go of everything. Even though 'everything' isn't much, the way I reacted back then blew it out of proportion and so it became more than it really was. And it's good to know, too, that I have really, really let go. It's good to know, most importantly, that I'm capable of letting go.

And yet, some things I just can't get past. I think I'm generally understanding and forgiving; at times I lay myself out on the floor at the door for people to walk all over. It's all well and good but there's a breaking point and once that breaking point is reached...it takes effort to smile as if I mean it. It takes effort to tell myself it's okay. Because sometimes things have ceased to be okay a long time ago and all it takes is one triggering event to release the dam and let it all rip.

I had a bad dream last night and I woke up groggy and disoriented, the distinct bitterness of the dream a lingering aftertaste at the back of my throat, and a feeling of despondency spreading all over me, slowly and surely, like letting yourself drown in a deep pool of water.

The same way I respond to law school, really.

**

I don't think I want the things I wanted anymore. It's time to leave it all behind.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010