Without you, I am nothing.
written: 10:16 p.m. on Tuesday, May. 13, 2008

It was more or less the first - and only - time I laughed and meant it the entire day.

I woke up in a really foul mood that didn't really go away, and now I'm just disgustingly and numbingly tired. My stupid heels are killing my feet and I refuse to wear them tomorrow, but I don't have any other shoes to wear. I hate court attire. The only thing that kept me awake was Cookie's TWoP thread.

I'm really tired right now and I suspect I might be falling sick. Ugh.

I have to find local cases on this legal issue (duh) that I don't think I'm supposed to divulge by like, tomorrow, 11.30 a.m. Ohmygad. I spent the last hour and a half (after I got the assignment) Lawneting and I kind of found nothing, and I wanted to Lawnet when I got home but I've been way too tired to do anything, so...uh-oh. Saying 'uh-oh' reminds me of the way David said it when he went back home and was interviewed during a Kansas City Royals game. The opposing team caught up with the Royals and brought the game to 2-2, and Cookie, who was totally watching the match, went, "Uh-oh." It was SO ADORABLE, I can just die.

But anyway, as I was saying...uh-oh. As in, oh my fuck I think I'm like totally dead.

Speaking of totally dead, my partner mentor had his chat with me today in which he tried to ascertain my interests and the areas of law that I can maybe enter. He asked me what I hoped to achieve from the current internship and I said that I wanted to see if I could do commercial/civil work. He also asked me who I shadowed at my previous internships and based on my answer, asked if I had an interest in criminal law.

Of course I said that I wanted to do criminal work, because I guess that's what I want to do. Then he asked me why I wanted to do it and when I realised that I wanted to do it, and me being honest to a fault, I said, "You know, I have no idea." I thought for a while and said rather sheepishly, "I kind of feel sorry for criminals I guess. I know, it's stupid."

To cut a long (and painful) story short, he ended up asking me if I knew if there was anything that would make me happy. His initial diagnosis of my career was that I didn't seem to have anything that really got me, that would really drive me, hence the question.

And what did I say? I told him the truth, of course.

"Law or non-law?" That in itself was already implying my answer. Anything, he said.

And so I opened my mouth and these words came out: I've always wanted to write.

And then, eureka. "That explains a lot," he said.

I can't say it doesn't. And I got a teensy bit choked up. I've been extremely weepy and emotional the past few days (I really suspect it's PMS) so the fact that I didn't completely start bawling? I'd say it was an achievement. Before he talked to me he talked to his other intern, and I was in the room because he intended to talk to us both, but he had to postpone my chat 'cause there was a firm lunch. Anyway, while he was talking to the other dude I was totally thinking to myself, "Shit, I bet I'm gonna cry. Fuck. I don't want to talk to him anymore."

But how could I say that I didn't want to talk to him without it coming across as rude, worthy (thanks, Simon Cowell; I'm sure you've realised by now, though, that David Cook is anything BUT worthy. Apparently it's a British slang meaning arrogant or something along those lines), stand-offish, etc. So I basically had no choice. I also had no choice but to blurt out the truth, because it was either that, or solidify the impression that I didn't care about anything in life, that I had no passion and no goals and no dreams - which is obviously not true. I also personally don't hold in too high regards people who have no passion and no goals, etc, so I refuse to think that I'm one of those people.

I wasn't too keen on sharing my ambiguity about legal profession with someone who's in the profession, and could make or break my shot at joining the firm (assuming I choose to do so); but he caught me in a weak moment. And I'm a notoriously bad liar. And it was really either announce that I want to be a writer so damn badly that I could die if it never happens, or let him think that I'm an aimless, direction-less 22-year-old which, in my humble opinion, sucks more than being a starving writer. And truth be told? The lack of enthusiasm when I talk about my impending legal career is obvious to anyone who's human. Seriously. I still remember my chat with Haojun last year when he was back in Singapore and how he commented that I didn't seem very interested in the profession - and at that time I was on a post-internship high and truly (at that time, anyway) thought that I could do this thing for a living. When Partner Mentor was asking me about litigation, it was all I could do not to blurt out, "Actually, it's really a process of elimination. I can't do corporate work, so I guess the only thing left is litigation."

That is despite my complete and utter inability to speak to talk to think on my feet to be eloquent in speech etc. That is also despite my complete and utter abhorrence for public speaking and just speaking in general. I think it's quite obvious that I have no passion for litigation; I'm only gearing towards it because it's either this or that, and I don't want that no matter what, so it's definitely this. Even so, I don't really want this either; it's just the lesser of two evils. For fuck's sake, I am so non-confrontational that I hate arguments and arguing with people, and the only exception to that is when the argument takes place non-verbally.

Mentor Partner exclaimed, "What are you doing in law?"

That is a very, very good question. It's been three years and I still haven't figured out the answer. Beyond the "Like, omg, I like, totally had straight A's, and so I totally had to enter law school!" nonsense that has ceased to be funny a long time ago, there is really no explanation that I can conjure up, nothing that I can spin to form a halfway cogent and coherent reason. Because...I have no good reason. The only reason I have is the one that stopped being funny the minute I realised that law school wasn't just an educational choice; it was a career decision.

And to be honest? I really can't see myself doing this at all. At all. I could stick it out in criminal law and defend murderers and rapists for a few years, if only for the amazing wealth of inspiration that I can draw upon in my writing. Everything really comes back to the writing. When Mentor Partner was talking to the other dude, he said something about needing to ask ourselves two questions: first, what do you want to do?; and second, what are you willing to give up to make that happen?

The immediate answer I had in my head (that of course I kept to myself)? A law career. Because I am willing to give all this up for ambiguity (thanks, David, though I think you used the word wrongly) and uncertainty and not knowing if I'm going to get my next meal, because writing is the only thing that I've consistently wanted, consistently needed, and always felt like I had to do.

It's not just a whimsy flight of fancy, or that thing I think I have to try just to say that I can live without it and then rejoin society a a productive member and enter the profession (re-enter?). It is something that I feel like I absolutely have to do, or else my entire life is a waste. I don't think anyone realises how important and crucial writing is to me. It is not just a hobby, and it's more than a passion; it is who I am. I am nothing without it, and I am something because of it.

So what am I doing in law, right? I really can't do this. I realised this during the second week of law school and I honestly wish now that I had the courage and conviction in my own talent back then to bravely drop out, admit that I made a mistake, and go off to England to pursue English. But what do I do now with this regret? Do I perpetuate the mistake, continue to drag my feet down this path and regret it even more ten years later? Or do I nip it in the bud and take charge of my own life and my own future?

To be honest, I am quite miserable right now, and I honestly do feel extremely alone in this because no one else seems to be going through the same thing. It's also kind of why David Cook makes me so happy. Irrational as it is, knowing that someone else went through the same thing makes me feel less alone. Of course, from an objective standpoint, I know that I'm not the only person struggling with something like this in the entire world, but as it stands, none (seemingly) of my friends have the same problem, and David is honestly the only person that I know of right now that took the courageous road less travelled and fought for his dreams. This is also kind of why he's so important to me, why I'm so invested in his Idol journey, why I'm so invested in him as a musician and as a person. It's therefore why I'm willing to sit in front of my laptop and vote for him for two hours even though it bores me to death, why I take the time to spread the good word of Gizmo on Facebook and Livejournal and take the time to help people with Gizmo, why I am completely unashamed of my serial obsession with him.

And so I suppose, along the same vein, it's also partly why I feel a bit alienated from the people in my life. I don't like talking about this because it doesn't get anywhere and quite frankly, I don't think people really, truly understand. How many of us have this burning passion/desire/need to do something that it's enough to make us forgo the stupid Peugeot 307cc (I saw two today and I was like, Whatever), the paycheck, the swanky apartment in the middle of town? Of course, for those of us for whom those material things are the incidental consequences of our passion, all I can say is, I wish I were in that position. I wish I were half as passionate about the law as I am about writing - but I'm not. And I've tried - we all know I've tried - but there's just nothing I can do to change that. I've done three years of law school, and I'm still talking about the same things I talked about two years ago. I think there's something to be said about that, don't you?

Needless to say I haven't even breathed a word about any of this to my parents. They've noted the glumness, but don't really know why. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of chaos that would ensue if I told them why I've been so down lately, and all the things I've thought about over the past couple of months. I just...I don't even know what to say, how to start, how to tell my dad that the only child of his who was capable of being someone and actually having a stable career is probably going to give it all up one day and try to pursue this writing thing.

Have I mentioned the part about me being miserable? I still don't know what to do.

But, on a much happier note, can I just say that I'm stoked about this week's show? I can guarantee that the thought of watching THREE Cookie performances at night will be the only thing that will get me through tomorrow.

Simultaneously, I'm freaked, as usual. Am I more freaked this week than before? I don't know. I'm too tired to process anything, but god, I hope he does well. I HOPE SO BAD that he does well. He deserves to win the entire thing because no one has worked harder, no one wants it more, and no one deserves it more.

I can't wait to hear what he's gonna do with that gorgeous Collective Soul song, and how he's gonna sing that uber boring First Time I Saw Your Face song. Apparently American Woman is just a rumour so I don't know what the producers' pick is. Hopefully it's something good.

I'm really bummed that I won't be able to vote though. And from this week on the contestants will be personally thanking the voters, instead of an automated message, so double boo! I hope someone records the message and uploads it cos I freaking want to hear it!

Okay I'm falling asleep and it's only 11.32. I'm going to watch a Cookie video I loaded of his performance at his high school which I've seen 238546254281945 versions of, and you know what? The more the fucking merrier, thank you very much.

Have I mentioned that David Cook makes me happy? I really don't know what I'm gonna do when the show is over.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010