Contaminated.
written: 5:24 p.m. on Sunday, Aug. 11, 2002

My brother talks in this excessively loud voice that totally blisters my poor eardrums. He is a total scaredy-cat. Like, that day when we went to see Signs, he had his hands over his eyes half the time and begged me to sleep in his room at night because he was scared. He claimed that The Sixth Sense was so boring, he fell asleep, but the fact is, he was so scared that he fell asleep, and he fell asleep because he had his eyes covered the entire time. Isn't that absolutely tragic?

Of course, The Sixth Sense scared the living bejesus out of me, but I am man enough to admit it. And I'm not even a man. Whereas my brother, obviously, is of the male sex, but that doesn't have any influence on his manhood, or lack thereof, and sometimes, I do suspect very much that he's gay, but let's not go into that, okay?

When one looks back on one's past, one tends to regret some things. It's inevitable. I have been thinking about the past few months with Genie, particularly the parts where we're intimate, and to a certain extent, I regret doing what I did, and yet, I don't. On the one hand, I knew what I was doing and complied because I wanted it, not because I was forced, and I had a great time. On the other hand, I was barely 16. I was way too young to throw my innocence away to someone I wasn't in love with.

I don't really completely understand the big deal, but the reality is, I'm still Chinese. It does not matter that I speak fluent English and that I buy very much into Western philosophy; my skin colour is that of a Chinese's, my roots are Chinese, and I am Chinese ultimately.

And when I look at things from that perspective, I have wronged not only myself, but my parents, and this is a thought I really, really don't want to hold anymore because I cannot bear it.

All my life I have been honest. I can tell little white lies that mean nothing, but in general, I am a bad liar and I feel better when I tell the truth. My relationship with Gen has been a lie from day one to the very persons who gave me life.

What can be right about that?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010