on hindsight
written: 8:44 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003

[After a while]

"Okay.."

"You see, I suppose it'll be really awkward in school... And I think I was happier when we were just friends... I mean we can still be friends... I think... Dunno... Or you can avoid me for a couple more weeks till the holidays. Yeah that's about it... Up to you."

"Yeah I was gonna talk to you about that in school but kinda chickened out. Yeah we can still be friends but I think it would be awhile before things are back to the way they were before everything. Just wondering do you hate me?"

"No lah I don't hate [you]... For what? Waste my energy only. Take care."

[thinking: obviously, that is just a fucking half-truth, or a total, complete lie.]"Okay, you too."

**

I hate it when he tells me to relax when I'm not even worked up.

I hate it when he assumes he's bothering me whenever he SMSes me, because most of the time, I was waiting for him to do so.

I hate how utterly he's lacking in self-confidence. He turns the most beautiful poetry into contrived and silly bullshit. And the worst part? He wrote those words himself.

I hate it when he makes me decide, just to turn around later on and implicate me for making him go through whatever mental suffering for making whatever decision it is that I have made.

Most of all, I hate it that he's trying to make me think that he doesn't hate me when it's so obvious that he harbours at least a little ill-feeling towards me.

Why can't we just be fucking honest for once?

**

I spent the entire afternoon cleaning my room just to get my dad off my back about the mess that plagues the tiny space I sometimes sleep in and always study in. I have very low tolerance for dust so I was wary, because all my things -- notes from school, diaries, books that contain the 'poems' that I've written over the years, stuff that my mates gave me, etc -- just kinda lie aimlessly around my room, collecting dust. And what do you know, my fingers were coated with a disgusting layer of dust after it was all finished. I started at around 2 finished at like, 7.30.

I was quite annoyed. But at least my notes are pretty much all filed up now.

I think I need to grow up a little. And stop caring about myself so much, so that I neglect the people around me. If The New Kid taught me anything, it's the obscure -- to me, anyway -- fact that I am a terribly self-absorbed person that inevitably and unintentionally hurt others with my sardonic, blunt and sometimes harsh remarks. Yes, it's true. But I guess we all know, at one point or another. (Or is it 'at one point or other'? It escapes me now.)

I mean, I can't help saying the things that I say because I don't take them seriously. I guess I never considered that others may not take my words as lightly as I do, at least those that I verbalise.

For instance, this one time, before the promos, after project work, The New Kid and I were at the concourse. I was waiting for my mom and I told him to go home and study and not wait with me, wasting his time in the process. He told me that he was waiting for his dad. I believed him.

When my mom arrived he got up to leave as well. And that was when I realised that I have been played.

I said, "You should've went home earlier! Why are you so stupid?"

I didn't mean 'stupid' literally, of course. But he took it differently. He merely said, "Okay", somewhat dejectedly, and walked in the other direction. It was obvious that my comment hurt.

And I think that was what he was referring to, among many other things, when he told me a few weeks ago, when I broke up with him, that some of the things I say really hurt.

Damn. Looks like there's more self-improvement to be done than I'd originally thought.

**

Two weeks to the fucking Chinese A Level exam. Fucking hell. I need to get an A or else I'll... I'll just bloody die.

I mean there's no way in hell I can let my result sheet or whatever to be marred by a C for Chinese (eh, that was pretty cool, C for Chinese... hahaha). Or even a B. I want straight As and nothing less.

But I'm just too lazy to go and improve on my Chinese. Argh. Too lazy to do the ten-year series. I'm already in a holiday mood and the thought of studying is honestly, really repulsive.

I'm putting pressure on myself to perform now because after ten years of schooling, I've never ever performed as well as I know I can, except for always acing/aceing three subjects -- English, Literature and Chinese -- in secondary school and failing all the others. But that's not performing. My idea of 'performing' is getting straight As, nothing more (well, obviously), nothing less.

It's a bit crazy and I over-estimate myself a bit but yes, I'm stuck in JJC, bottom five in Singapore and I gotta make up for it. Prove my relatives wrong. Just because I'm stuck in a crappy school doesn't mean that I can't get good results.

I know that I can. It's just that... I'm too lazy to do anything about it.

Sigh.

**

Would it be insensitive of me to ask the boy I was talking about yesterday out if 1) The New Kid and I have just broken up; and 2) a classmate/friend of mine likes/liked him?

I mean, if Mel had a crush on him (she doesn't, I think) I wouldn't do anything.

But I'm not that close to the classmate/friend who likes/liked him. But she's still a pretty cool friend of mine. One of the better ones in class.

Damn, I don't know.

We shall call the boy Franz or Mr. Hunger Artist, whichever I prefer at the moment. There's a reason behind it but if I reveal it, I will also reveal his identity to those who would know what I'm talking about.

His real name is a lot less complicated though. And he's nothing like Franz Kafka, I think.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010