tuning out, continued
written: 2:30 p.m. on Saturday, May. 11, 2002

She went into my room at about 8.10 last night and addressed the issue, after the confrontation at dinner, which ended in her replying, "Go by yourself" to "I'm going there on my birthday, right?" and me dropping my fork into my plate with a loud 'plop' when I heard it. She thinks her bringing me there would lead me to the conclusion that she "likes" my boyfriend. Since when have I given her any indication that I remotely give a rat's arse what she thinks of him? Since when have I even MENTIONED that I want her goddamned approval? Me opening my stupid mouth was an effort to ease my conscience, my annoying conscience that cannot stop feeling bad just about everything.

I regret telling her about Gen so much that I wish time would reverse itself to that night and I could take everything back. I knew from the moment I said, "Maybe" to her "is it the guy from the restaurant" that I was making a big mistake. But I didn't change the course of the conversation, because I still held on to some faith that she would make it better for me. I should have known better. I am a total idiot when it comes to my mom. Why did I begin to think this time, things would be different? Why did I even entertain myself with the idea that she may accept it and not totally freak out?

God, I am a total idiot. I hate what I did, and I hate how she's reacting to it. She's doing it totally wrong. She never listens to me, and most of the time, she talks at me, not to or with me. She assumes things without asking me about them, and just because she's my bloody mother, she thinks she knows every nook and cranny (or whatever) of my head and has the puzzles to my life completely solved, and knows everything about me without having to consult me. She preaches at me, she thinks she knows everything, she thinks she knows me but she doesn't really, she doesn't really have a clue.

How am I supposed to learn anything if she doesn't let me?

Parents should be sent to parenting school before they are allowed to breed.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010