transgression
written: 12:34 a.m. on Monday, Oct. 27, 2003

(Fuck.)

I'm reading Cody's OD. He's the guy I mentioned a while ago, the one I dubbed... well, I forgot. Since he's linked here I don't care anymore, don't even care that he may read those couple of entries and get scared or something. Oh well, I'm emotionally-handicapped which means I'm fickle which means all notions mentioned in those two entries are more or less expelled.

He's not like me. Unlike me, he feels. He misses. He yearns.

Me? I break up with boyfriends and I forget about them.

I think I'm weird, and this time I mean that in the negative aspect. I don't even miss Shawn (yes, that's his name, woo hoo). I don't even seem to care that we haven't said a single word, or even sounded a single grunt, to each other since the day I told him I wanted to break up.

Why am I so cynical? Take me back a few years and I won't even recognise myself. I've changed so much that it's scary, if I pause to think about it, and I'm pausing to think about it now. Reading my older diaries (private ones, not the crap here) really reveals the TRANSGRESSION that I have made.

I think this is the epiphany in "The Catcher in the Rye". Holden Caufield didn't want to be jaded and cynical, but growing up brought the curse upon him.

I don't know. It's a good thing I keep a diary... otherwise, I would have been completely blinded to the insidious changes that are inevitably taking place inside of me.

I just wish, sometimes, that I could... feel. A few days of tears, and that's it. I don't get it. He seems to feel so much more, for me.

Or maybe I should've used the past tense.

How can anyone possibly be so engulfed and comsumed by beautiful but transient thoughts of another person until he is completely smothered? How can you call it "love" when it doesn't even last? Love is the affection a parent has for his child, the connection between two friends.

Love is not the temporary lust that draws two people together to watch the sunrise, and leaving before seizing the chance to watch the sunset.

Like I said before: "There's no true love; only true lust."

Oh well.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010