gun, for sure.
written: 9:11 p.m. on Monday, Apr. 04, 2005

I saw a Year One JJC girl on the bus today. She got on at the Orchard stop (the one opposite Far East Plaza) and I recognised the uniform the very second I set my eyes upon it. The khaki; the pleats; and for this girl, the tucked-in shirt, the almost knee-length skirt. I got an urge to laugh hysterically to myself as a mental image of how I used to wear my uniform sporadically surfaced, but of course, I kept it down.

God, I miss school. Not necessarily Jurong Junior, but just school. You know, the friends, the hanging out, the cutting classes, the falling asleep in classes, the bitchings, and how nothing is ever really your fault. You're so sheltered in school to the extent that you practically have a protective jacket sewn over you, simply because you're a student. Your only responsibility is yourself - and how difficult could that possibly be? Do your homework, don't be late for school, report for classes on time, don't bitch about teachers to their faces, don't piss off the principal, try not to fail your tests...hell, I want that life back. Seeing that JJC girl brought on a tidal wave of nostalgia for the days that were, days that are irrevocably gone. Don't even try to tell me that university would be the same, because it's not going to be the same. Unlike junior college, my decision is going to affect me for the rest of my life, and it happens to be a decision that I really don't feel like making anytime soon.

How am I supposed to decide now what I want to do in the future? It's absolutely preposterous and insane, especially for someone as indecisive and fickle as me. I wouldn't be able to believe this if I weren't feeling it, but god, I fucking wish so hard that I were still in school, even if it's still gonna be good ol' shitty Jurong Junior, and I don't think I'd even mind doing the A Levels all over again.

Why do I keep getting the sneaking suspicion that I'm going to fuck my life up? After all, hasn't that eternally being the story of my life, in all honesty? I think it has, and the A Levels didn't end the curse (for want of a better word; Jielun is on right now); in fact, the A Levels made everything worse. I can't get what I want; I've never been able to get what I want. And you know what? I don't know why that is. Do I expect too much? I don't think so. What is so wrong with wanting yourself to achieve things that you dream of having?

But that's the paradox isn't it? If it's a dream, it can never be real, and hence you're just wasting your time chasing your dreams. Dreams are, after all, illusory and deceitful, and by definition, they're not supposed to be real. My dream of being a writer - could I really give it up? I don't know. My dream of becoming a millionaire - could that really happen? I don't think so.

I'm disillusioned, directionless and full of angst (as in uncertainty). What am I even doing in this world? I'm burnt - fried - by the relentless glare from the sun shining diabolically in the real world even as we speak. There's no turning back, not anymore, simply because I'm out of junior college. And who ever said that I really wanted to graduate and leave my comfort zone? I want the comforting and reassuring cool of the grey clouds that hang subtlely over good ol' Jurong Junior back. I don't want to have to decide. I don't ever want to have to decide.

I hate working. I hate it so much that I'm tempted to quit or to wish that I'd get fired, but at the same time, I know that if either happened, it's going to hurt my pride a lot. Errors once again, yesterday and today. Fuck it. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I can't do a fucking stupid, braindead and no-brainer job properly when other people can. I hate feeling like a failure, and lo and behold, it happened again today. And you know what the funniest thing was? I've been making that mistake since my first day of work and I never knew, not even once.

Nobody ever told me that when you're scheduling a programme downgrade/upgrade on a future date you have to click 'no' when the prompt asks 'Do you want to close the work order now'. I thought you only did that when you're putting back a cancelled scheduled up/downgrade. And how in the world am I supposed to know that roadshow people are so fucking stupid that they are capable of writing the customer's account number wrongly? For fuck's sake, it doesn't get any more elementary than writing it correctly so that poor sods without a life like myself won't get a damn headache when they're trying to provision the damn form.

But still, it's my fault. And that's the part I hate most, how I can't push the blame away from myself, because it's my fault for not checking, for assuming that it's the right account, blah blah blah, for taking it for granted.

Please forget the words that I've just blurted out.

Radiohead. Ah, I love my rock music. Good rock music, and none of that Blink 182/Hoobastank/Good Charlotte crap.

Even though I might
Even though I tried
I can't
- Radiohead, "I Can't"

Today has been one long, drawn-out and horrible day. Just pull the trigger.

(PS. The Jielun Lookalike wore a flaming purple shirt and disappeared after 12 noon. Was amusing, but only momentarily so.)

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010