brand new version of the same old story.
written: 12:33 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005
There's nothing like a good and healthy and heavy dose of Nostalgia - yes, even for something as hateful as Microeconomics and market failure which was a topic I hated for I could never get beyond a 13/25 for my rubbish essays - to make you wish you were dead.
I gave up even looking at the questions after a while. I'm zonked and disillusioned.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Brainstorm session for the research binder LAWR assignment. Other people threw out ideas while I sat back and let Bewilderment attack me and fuck me senseless from behind, and I was lost and confused and I wasn't thinking, I had no idea what the fucked up fact pattern was even hinting at, and then they were going off about AWS which I thought was Annual Wage Scheme and Contract Law and I was like, fuck I don't even know jack shit about Contract law, Employment Act and I was like, I never knew such a thing existed, Unfair Contract Terms Act and I was like, huh I thought it only applied to consumers.
What am I doing?
More than ever I'm convinced - seriously, tongue-taken-out-of-cheek convinced - that I'm in the wrong course. A thought struck me yesterday with such immense clarity that I just wanted to break down and cry and be dead and stop merely existing, and it was I don't want to be a lawyer, then what am I doing and why am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?
If this is the rest of my life I'd appreciate it if someone could pull the plug on my life support right this moment. And it doesn't help that my conviction that the ultimate Point to Life is that There Is No Point still governs my mind and my heart, and I see it so clearly, how there is nothing at the end of the tunnel but a blocked exit, and even if you see the faintest glimmer of lights they're that of an oncoming train; and I realise all these things and I can't do anything to un-realise them, change my perspective, I don't know. My cynicism and pessimism are so deeply entrenched in my sensibilities and my consciousness that all attempts at making me view things in a more positive light only feel like self-delusion and naivete to me, and I just want to laugh at these people and tell them, "Wake up and smell the shit for that's all we've got when you strip everything down to its bare essentials and see Life for what it really is."
People like Simon, the stereotypical teacher, a guidance counsellor, rah-rah orientation group leaders, the average Christian. And I want to let it all out, find a victim to whom I could spill all of these pent-up frustrations and angst, I'm so tired of holding everything in and hoping as each day goes by that I could finally adjust and stop feeling like such a useless failure, but whatever reprieve I thought I'd finally attained were only transient at best. You inhabit this shell for a few days and you feel good for a few days because it shields you from the relentless glare of the sun, but this shell is made of ice and so it melts after a while and you're back to square one, naked and vulnerable, walking past crowds in which no one takes a second look.
When I'm feeling like this I don't even want to write. I can't articulate my thoughts.
And so I'll put it in a plain, obvious and un-nuanced manner, an apt testament to my non-existent writing "ability", and simply say this: I am fucking miserable.
The end.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010