a picture of academic suicide.
written: 12:15 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005

Oh help me. I think I'll just give up on SLS altogether. Screw it; I'd be happy to get a C, considering how I never listen during lectures and only half-heartedly browse through the reading materials.

And of course, I don't remember 90% of what went on in SLS Part One, all that historical jazz about Singapore's (very boring) constitutional/legal past, the road to our own legal system, yadayada.

I can never get excited about Singapore history; it's an impossibility. Nothing happened, and I mean nothing happened. That's extremely non-academic of me but you know what, I don't care the slightest bit, because no matter how hard they try to shove it down my throat I'd never remember anything significant about SG's history anyway. Sometimes I even forget which year the stupid merger took place and hell, fucked if I gave a shit.

A few things to say about the Cambridge interview:

The guy that was after me was totally hot. I took a peek at the attendance list in the holding area and he applied for architecture. And he was Caucasian. Oh major hotness, if only I didn't have to zip really quickly down to NUS for a Tort lecture I hardly paid any attention to.

The guy is really hot.

And the guy is really hot.

That's about it.

Apart from that, I don't really want to talk about it right now.

**

Some of my LAWR TG mates (more specifically Weihan) seem to find it amusing that I spend our research binder meetings slouched at the back of class, pretending to pay attention while my mind is actually wandering far, far away from the classroom and the things that are apparently going on in said classroom, doing very sloppy and insignificant "presentations" only because I don't want to be the only person in class who didn't present anything, and not asking any questions when others are firing questions at the presenting group, precisely because my mind is a total blank, I am disengaged from the material and basically, I don't really care.

All this spells Trouble with a capital T, but inherent in my potential demise is some sliver of humour as well. For yesterday's class I didn't even bother to do a pseudo-presentation anymore; I sat at the back with a pen in my hand and my foolscap pad on the mini table just to occupy myself and make it look like I was doing something, and class ended (super early too, twenty minutes before time) and I hadn't said a single word, and to my right Weihan went, "And [Yelen]?" in a manner that said this much in only two words, "Yelen didn't say anything again?"

Hahahahahaha. He was like, "You got away with it again!" He was telling me on MSN how I always get away with not contributing in LAWR classes and how I make it so obvious that I'm really not there (well, this just shows I can't act/fake), my spaciness, and apparently he finds it amusing.

Well, I am glad that my perpetual and persistent academic suicide is able to provide comic relief to my classmates, and I can't decide if I'm being sarcastic or not.

I am so disengaged from all these things I'm doing, I can barely muster up pretend enthusiasm for it let alone real passion, against my will and despite me telling myself not to a part of me is banking on Cambridge, I have to snap out of it because more likely than not I'm stuck here for the next three and a half years.

A bit more on the interview: Halfway through it something that could possibly be described as a gut feeling told me that I wasn't going to get it. The realisation wasn't a wham or a bam, just a gentle nudge and a light prod in the sides, and I hardly get these moments in which I can suddenly see things so clearly, when I know things for sure, so I'm going to listen to that and...just...forget it.

Ah, yes. Long-ass case on some airport thing awaits my attention.

I really want to keep reading Musashi as I got through Chapter Two last night before I slept and he's on his way back to his village after being dumped by his friend for a widow and her daughter whom they'd been staying with, and apparently he commits some heinous crimes which makes him a wanted man, yadayada, really cool stuff; but the book is 900 pages long which means it's freaking heavy which also means I'm not going to carry it around.

Thus, I'm wanting to start on Oscar Wilde's A Picture of Dorian Gray. It's a lot lighter anyway, and yes, the writing is more sophisticated and coherent. The thing about translated texts is that you don't know for sure if the original text was as mediocre (in terms of writing style) as what you're reading, or if it's simply a fault on the translator's part, i.e. he can't write a novel for nuts. Because, you know, I'm reading Musashi for the plot, because the language is infantile and it resembles the shit I wrote back in lower secondary school.

If I knew Japanese I wouldn't even bother with the translation. As much as my Chinese sucks this is one reason why I refuse to succumb and read English translations of Chinese novels.

Having said that, I don't see how it's "better" that I don't read Chinese novels at all, but there you go.

You know what, I can't read the long-ass case on some airport thing. My mind is halfway under my comfortable blankets and my head hurts and the mere thought of forcing myself through that convoluted and not-making-sense...thing is making me very depressed.

Why oh why did I do this to myself.

Full stop.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010